ASLEEP

6 Comments

Poem Commentary

I've taken your suggies to heart and reworked the ending. Now ...
it seems to make a whole lot more sense.
It's probably the way the muse was telling me to do it in the first place.

ASLEEP

  
           ASLEEP



            An Island girl just painfully rose
            The cycle boy moves ...the pram mummy too
            And with uncanny girth,
           for all that she’s worth  
             she has managed to work her way through it
            Then the chimmy-chime sings,
             the pram baby clings
            as the mother consoles her beloved


            Again subway cars roar  near a rattling door
            Stands a pungent  ol’ man in suspenders
            Stealing more than a glance,
            from the girl in tight pants
           We again play the sleeping pretenders
            In here...
            the i-pods abound with their internal sound
            and with colors to rival a rainbow
            And the brain flow?


            We’ve got; puzzlers with pens and two trips
             through the lense
            of two women ensconced in their novel
             It’s a patchwork of thoughts
            With no bridges to cross,
             Then we gather our goods  for the ending
              -‘been a slice
              So  the speakers advise, as the screeches reprise
             “THIS TRAIN WILL BE GOING OUT OF SERVICE”
              But as sure as it’s night, we depart within sight
              Of a sleeper who isn’t pretending.  

    
    
    
    



     

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Paolo commented on ASLEEP

07-10-2009

As I read this edited version of Asleep my hopes were that the nature of it hadn't changed. I am happy to say that the visuals and sense of motion has changed; it has changed, it has gotten better. The new sense is that the speed has picked up pace even so we have not lost the colorful images. At times an author will perform some compassionate surgery on their work; here the surgery works. I will read this one yet again. P.S. I will be forever grateful for taking the TTC and riding the street cars in Toronto. You may have seen me dozing there.

NevillePark

07/23/2009

Thanks Paolo. When something's off you can usually sense it. For me it's like getting a last second triple letter score in Scrabble. The title is verified three times over with the sleeping man at the end of the rail. Usually that guy, (and I've seen him a couple of times) should be left to sleep it off.

RHPeat commented on ASLEEP

07-10-2009

Oh my, Nevelle; it's changed a lot. It appears a lot shorter. You've been chopping at the wood. it's still a strong poem. I still see the window flashing and the people shifting in the car. I feel the train. Good poem. A poet friend//RH Peat

NevillePark

07/22/2009

They should have an emocon for a thumbs up. Maybe a graphic of a thumb and a hand?

Grito commented on ASLEEP

07-08-2009

A ride on rails remenicent of a realist painting by Estes or Goings, alive and vivid, captured as an essence.

RHPeat commented on ASLEEP

07-04-2009

Neville/ I don't think you need the parenthetical phrases, just cut the brackets off them. They really don't look look like interjections to this reader. The ellipsis means something is left out, So I'm not sure they work either. It could be in the sense of the horse: maybe part of a huge list is left out. But it really doesn't need to suggest that to have the reader feel the movement of the train in the poem. The (=) equal you got me there. A (:) colon means one phase is equal to another. I suggest that if that is your intent. What I really love about the form of the poem is the stanzas that act like light flashing by windows as you sit in a moving train. The subject matter does this a bit to. I just find that fascinating that the form and the content are creating pictures in your head as you read to make you feel the train in motion. Nice writing. One word lines? I can't say they offer me much in flow. They are somewhat halting at times. So I question it a bit in the closure of the poem. Good write nonetheless. I enjoyed the experience. The mystery in the opening pulled me right in. The turning is mellow the sounds of ipods to the puzzlers and book readers is fantastic. But because of my feelings about windows I almost think you should break that last stanza again to make it feel like another window. And I love the way some of the windows shift in content as well as the stanza form. later/ A poet friend/ RH Peat

NevillePark

07/04/2009

I think what I'm doing is inventing my own use of those bracket thingies. (Heh heh)I somehow see them as a way to let a reader drop the output; soften the delivery if you will, as I'd imagine in a live reading. I used to love english comp. and putting brackets around clauses was one of my favorite things to do. Good advice though ... I'll edit it when I get my internet back. I'm downtown at an internet cafe now.

wheelsal commented on ASLEEP

06-28-2009

I felt like I was on this train. There were a couple places where it was lost but that might be on purpose. (The screech) For some reason I kept reading it without the and in the beginning. It was also a great visual. I read it for twice for content and then meter. You have a great write.

NevillePark

07/04/2009

Over the years Toronto's subway trains have begun to develope noises that approach but not yet rival the wailing sounds of NYC or Chicago. Montreal has trains which run on rubber tires if you can believe it. Now there's a quiet ride! I'm beginning to learn the process of laying a puzzle out for the reader I think. There's more to learn for sure but it's starting to get exciting for me to write these days. I'm so encouraged by you and all my new friends.Thanx sal

When power leads man towards arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the area of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.

John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) Thirty-fifth President of the USA

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FORGOTTEN SOLDIERS 2
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Reflection 6
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Love Fish 6
THE ALLEY 3
UNREQUITED DEATH 6
Sudden Death 2
The Poet and The Sea 5
Dawn 4
The Journey 5
Rappin It Up 3
Poems in Love ~ Edited sayings of Mother Teresa 8
ON TIME 10
W- Five 9
Painter Eleven 3
Yellow Red and Grey 2
Nam 4
FAME 6
High Rollers 3
Gimmy The Beat 2
A KILLER PASSION 2
Here Fishy 4
Alive In The Spirit 2
Bitterness 3
88 in the Shade 3
ASLEEP 6
THE MINUTE MAN 1
BATS 0
The River 4
The Meaning of Easter 3
Selma 0
Hells Bells 5
Fields of Change 3
In A Yellow Sky 3
Love Is 17