DJ 575 Haiku - The Knife
575 Haiku
by Doug Jackson
The Knife
Red oozing quickly
Crimson contrast upon flesh
This knife is too sharp
DJ 575 Haiku - The Knife
13 Comments
Poem Commentary
One day a few years ago, I bumbled onto some site which had a haiku feature... I don't remember the site's name, but while I was there looking around at the odd and really lame haiku posts, I became humored and wrote this; my first ever haiku... It just seemed funny at the time... lol... Hope you think so too....575 Haiku
by Doug Jackson
The Knife
Red oozing quickly
Crimson contrast upon flesh
This knife is too sharp
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Poem Comments
(13)
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danmartyjake1 commented on DJ 575 Haiku - The Knife
01-04-2010
- Good haiku. I have never been very good at these. I should read more of them and practice it.
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Qualin commented on DJ 575 Haiku - The Knife
12-04-2009
- A hands on lesson...not soon forgot..................Qualin
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12/05/2009
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Tempestlady commented on DJ 575 Haiku - The Knife
08-10-2009
- Simple and a subject many can relate to personally. Well done. Write on..
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08/11/2009
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dahlusion commented on DJ 575 Haiku - The Knife
07-07-2009
- A perfectly composed haiku shimmering with the sweet disease of flawless imagery and metering. Bravo!
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07/07/2009
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RHPeat commented on DJ 575 Haiku - The Knife
07-06-2009
- I like the intent here a lot; But the poem has some problems for me. The adverb appears out of place; (quickly) modifies oozing. Then there appears to be a redundancy with (red & crimson) both speaking of the same blood. Then there is the presentation of contrast that is never given. The reader needs the color of the flesh to form a real picture in the mind between blood and flesh. That is if the poem is going to stand without the invitation of the photo. Maybe (pinkish, pallid, rosy, tinted, palish, blushed, pasty, ashen, or many other possibilities) might work for a contrast of the skin to form an image of contrast that would fit your syllable count, replacing (crimson) the redundancy. I love the last line: a swift painful reality by stating the obvious. True Haiku doesn't connect with personal images for the most part and there is also a word that suggest seasonal change in the haiku form. but other than that it looks like you fit into the 5/7/5 syllable count for the form. You also have the snap-shot image that is required for a haiku. Above and beyond all this. I like the intent in the poem, but I think the reader needs the real contrast so the poem doesn't need the picture. Then the poem can work with or without the picture. Just my take on it. A poet friend// RH Peat
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07/07/2009
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