Dream of Life, Dream of Friendship, Dream of Love

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Dream of Life, Dream of Friendship, Dream of Love


Tell me the difference between the dream and the day,
When both have gone away?
Dreams, we say, only seem.
Days have reality, we deem.
But when a dream that seemed real, is over;
And when a day that we say was real, is over;
Both gone like a long-ago lost lover--
What is the difference?
If a reality lasts only a minute,
And a dream lasts more than an hour,
Which one had the most reality in it?
Which one, in your life and over your time, had the most power?
Dreams rise and move and end.
Realities, like so many clouds, are in the clutches of impermanence.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If a friend dies, if your very best friend is killed,
And all your memories become burning thirst and futile hunger,
And someone says, "Well, this must be what God willed";
Or someone says, "Time heals all wounds.  Now let's eat."
If such words leave your blood chilled,
And you feel yourself half-dead and incomplete,
Because your very best friend had long been like a part of you--
The best and happiest and most loved half of your life--
Now cut out of you, without anesthetic, by death's blood-dripping knife--
As the saying goes, you know you're not getting any younger--
But how much older will you get, when grief grips your heart, and all that you do;
And you've got cancer, too, inside of you.
-- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
When you have illusions, and then become disillusioned,
Is that like having life, and then dying?
You breathe.  But where is all your breathing, after your last breath?
Where is your life, when you fall into death?
I saw my friend's eyes looking at me.  I probably was his very last sight.
His eyes were dark with fear and pain and sorrow. 
He feared his today was slipping away from him, and there would be no tomorrow.
I was helpless.  Always before I could help him.  Always before I protected him. 
Always before I took good care of him. 
For example: When, for different reasons, he needed doctors, I got them for him.
Our situation, they always quickly assessed: that I was Brian's best friend,
And I was taking care of him.  They always co-operated with me in helping Brian,
Right away.  And all the way, once he told them that was what he wanted.
I never had met one like the hospital doctor who killed Brian. 
He refused even to drain Brain of his dangerous fluid build-up, ascites.
For twelve days, he let it build up, causing Brain pain, and endangering his life.
The first three days, Brian was on NPO; nothing by mouth;
No food, and no intravenous feeding;
Then again, for six days Brian starved--awaiting a long-delayed test--totally unneeded--
For something we already knew all about--either Brian or I could have explained all that--
If he had respected Brian's instructions to talk with me, or even cared to speak with Brian.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
He starved Brian for no good reason, despite his obviously malnourished body,
For his first three days in the hospital, when being stuck with needles nearly every hour.
Then again, for the final six days of Brian's precious life. 
On the fifth day, Brian told visitors:
"I haven't eaten for a week.  I'm hungry.  Can you get me some food?"  Too late.
Brian had arrived to the hospital malnourished, but eating well again, thanks to Marinol.
But despite his good appetite, he was kept hungry, and not allowed a bite,
By order of the doctor, for a total of nine of Brian's twelve imprisoned days.
He ignored Brian's instructions to talk with me about Brian's medical history
And his current treatments.  He told me my relationship with Brian meant zero.
And, despite all my efforts, he made sure it meant zero.  My memory is haunted,
Knowing from this doctor's deeds and words,
What a deadly poison ignorant, arrogant spite is.
I know that the doctor starving Brian was the main cause of his death.
Probably also the uncared-for ascites, which by itself can cause congestive heart failure.
But even if the doctor might want to pretend his starving Brian did not help end his life,
He cannot pretend in God's light,
That he did not torture Brian in his last days of life,
Keeping Brian hungry, though Brian so badly, so painfully wanted to eat--
Finally hungry, but only to suffer--because the Marinol had given him back his appetite.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Brian was so intelligent in so many ways; and he had a great deal of knowledge.
He knew all about movies--directors, producers, actors, histories--and comic books,
And many diverse subjects, such as the works of art and words of R. Crumb,
And cartoons--like Rocky and Bullwinkle, and Popeye--and old TV shows.
He could drive a stick-shift car so well.  He had many other skills.
But he suffered anxiety attacks, depression, and break-downs.
He knew a great deal.  He was a great conversationalist and a wonderful friend and
Companion.
But there were things he could not do.  He couldn't balance a checkbook.
He couldn't remember any of his bills or when to pay them. 
When he had his last break-down, he had not made a car payment in many months. 
His car was on the verge of being repossessed.  I paid off the car out of my savings,
And I took him in.  I took care of all his affairs.  And I nursed him back to health.
As he himself said, he was like a babe in the woods, in so many ways, and needed help,
Which I gladly gave.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
After some months of his staying with me, he had an anxiety attack, and he told me,
"I've always been this way.  I need help.  Promise me you'll stay by my side."
And I promised him.  I said, "I promise, Brian, I'll stay be your side." 
I had to say it over and over again, to calm his anxiety. 
"Brain, I promise you.  I promise you, I'll stay by your side." 
I meant what I said.  I loved and cared about my friend that much.
To commit myself to him, to take care of him, and stay by his side.
And I did.  We became closer in mutual caring friendship.  I was always able to help him.
And it turned out that he, on several sudden occasions, was able to help me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
But in this hospital, I felt helpless.  The doctor took him under his cold-blooded control,
And now he is gone.  Some say: "He is in a better place." 
I know for sure only that his eyes that looked at me are now in a grave.
Is he, himself, his precious person, his wonderful spirit, somehow in a better place?
His precious head--and his forehead which, when he was anxious or depressed,
I sometimes smoothed with my fingers, speaking soothing words,
And sometimes gently kissed--
Is in the ground.  Brian will be sorely missed.
Somewhere, somehow, perhaps there is the life of some nebulous soul;
Or perhaps a future resurrection, cob-webbed with future time I cannot see.
Will he still be him?  Will I still be me?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I only know: I am not in a better place.  I am in a bitter place of grief and crying.
I need my other friends now.  My cancer is active again.  I, too, may quickly be dying.
But then I hear the other saying: "Everybody dies.  Get over it."  And so,
I'm left by myself to face my coming death, and deal with grief--to grieve
For the death of my best friend, who before me had to leave.
I need my friends now, more than ever before, more than I ever will again.
But no one can take Brian's place.  My troubled, tormented reality is in a tail-spin.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Is there any life left in the dead?  Is there any hope of life left?
My role now is to be the bereaved.  Labeled that, as if that tells my pain.
Pain that cannot be relieved.  Grief for all that I'm bereft.
Every tear I shed bleeds from my heart and soul, and leaves behind an indelible stain.
Oh, my friend Brian, my whole life's very best friend, I miss you!  I love you!
I lift up my hands, grieving and crying, to the sky's vast cold empty space,
Still hoping and praying there will some day be for me--
And for all my fellow and sister people--God's gloried, storied grace.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Tell me, what is the difference between the dream and the day,
When both have gone away?  And what will I be, when there is no more of me?
I'll be wherever, if anywhere, my friend Brian is;
And I'll be whatever my precious best friend is, if anything--that's what I think;
That is enough for me.  Brian, my very best friend, I miss you.  I love you.
My cancer is active again, it seems.  But whatever happens, I'll be coming to you.
I still like your company.  You were never a burden to me. 
I carried you like my most valued treasure.  Because that is what you were.
You were my friend.  A true friend.  My best friend. 
The best of all my best friends.   My very best friend.  My bestest friend. 
You once told me: "Michael, you're the best friend I ever had."
I was glad to hear, and now sad to recall.  For you, Brian, were truly the best of all.
But everything that begins must sooner or later end.
My cancer tells me deeply that my life only seems.
That all my days and nights, and moments of magic life, are only dreams.
Both days and dreams only seem.  I'm still grateful to God, whatever God may be,
For the life I've lived, the love I've had, and my six-year friendship with precious Brian.
Thanks for the dream.


Written by Michael LP, aka MLP
aka PoetWithCancer, aka PWC, aka Mr. Poet
Written on Saturday, February 5, 2011  7:10 pm PST
Temperature: 63 degrees F.  Humidity: 27%  Forecast: overcast
Copyright 2011 by Michael L.P.  All rights reserved

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stigbohnolsen commented on Dream of Life, Dream of Friendship, Dream of Love

03-23-2011

Thanks for the dream indeed. I'm so glad i stumbled across you

abuelita1 commented on Dream of Life, Dream of Friendship, Dream of Love

02-10-2011

Yes, Michael I understand the many emotions you are feeling. The abandonment, the fear, the confusion were also part of my life for way too long. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but in my heart the peace and joy sing.

abuelita1 commented on Dream of Life, Dream of Friendship, Dream of Love

02-07-2011

John 20:29 "Because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." Hebrews 11:1 (New International Version) Hebrews 11 By Faith 1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

abuelita1 commented on Dream of Life, Dream of Friendship, Dream of Love

02-07-2011

Although death is a loss we all face it is never easy to go through. I still cry for my mom and my dad. I still miss them. I will never "get over it" I just have learned to live with the pain. That pain that changed my life forever. But, it was not easy for me. The pain has lessened, but it is still here in my heart. But, it is not as painful as before. I can live through my grief now. But it took a long time to do so. Partly because I see things different now. I was totally dependent on my parents. I know my mom and dad would not want me to grieve for long. Yes, I needed to grieve, but I needed to want to live more. I'm not saying you don't want to live, my dear one, I am just saying what I needed to do myself. I had to get so low I had to get faith. Faith in afterlife. Faith that God would carry me, because my load was to heavy for me or anybody else to carry. I gave it to the only One that could help me through this. I gave my pained heart to God.

PoetWithCancer

02/08/2011

Dear Abuelita1, my Super Angel-- // Thank you so much for these kind and loving words. I can see that you understand, not just by sympathy, but by your own life experience, what I am going through now. Thank you for caring about me. It means so much, not to be alone always, even though so often I feel alone--but it is such a great blessing to me to have moments when I can recall that I am cared about. Cared about, by my good true friends, like you. // Just as you were one of my main supports when I found out I have cancer, you have also been a main support for me during this time that I am grieving for my best friend Brian. I love you and appreciate you and am grateful for you and to you, more than this poet's presently grief-choked pen can tell. Just know, as I want the world to know, that you are one of my dearest loved ones--not just on OP.com or on Shine--but in the world, period. // Bye now, Super Angel. --Love, Michael LP, Mr. Poet

Poetry comes nearer to vital truth than history.

Plato (BC 427-BC 347) Greek philosopher.

PoetWithCancer’s Poems (224)

Title Comments
Title Comments
Happy Winter Solstice 1
Seasonal Ring 1
My Thanksgiving 0
God's Word 1
Under the Date Tree 1
A Few More Times 1
Divine and Diabolical World 0
Summer-Brief 2
Seasonal Ring 0
Shakespeare's Birthday and Death 0
Special Brian 0
I Remember Brian 0
Light of Life 0
Pain Has Defeated Me Today 1
The Old, Old Words 0
Home Is Where the Heart Is 0
A Sad Contemplative Christmas Today 0
Moments of Memory; In Memory of Moments 0
Sun and Rain, Joy and Pain: I Miss My Friend Brian 0
Dehumanized and Clinicized--N
OT
1
Not Full 0
Love, Loss, and Lennon 0
Dying Dream 0
Brian's Pure Love for His Lady 0
Two Loved Ladies Undergoing Surgery Now 0
The Masks Fall Off at Midnight 1
Prime of Life 1
Low Energy and Less Time: And Too Many Things to Do 1
Happy Veterans Day, Brian 0
Happy Veterans Day, Brian 0
Thanksgiving 0
Autumn of Year; Autumn of Life 0
Brian's Birthday and New Year's Eve 0
Under a Constant Star (9/11) 0
Deep Time 0
Is There Anything Out There 2
Classics in the Closet 0
Nobody 0
Feeling the Wind 0
The Wild Doe and the Hunter 0
Happy Birthday, Brian 0
The End of the World: Saturday, May 21, 2011, 6 pm PDT 1
Brian's Special Smile 0
Broken Birth 0
Missing Brian 0
Focus: Today, Happy 0
I Love You, Brian 0
The Ways and the Words of You 1
Stone Cry 0
Amore Immortale 0
Reality and Unreality 1
Lyrical Life 1
Easter 0
Shakespeare's Birthday 0
Friends During Need 1
Death--A Play--or the Final Act 0
Moods 0
I Was Worried About You 0
Song of Life 2
Me 1
Oh Mother of My Life, My Mind, My Heart--Happy Birthday (Sunday, April 3, 2011) 0
Your Money or Your Life 1
Poesis 0
A Last Look at the Moon 0
Tears for Brian: My Tears Spring Suddenly 0
Seventeen in the Past 1
Clusters 1
Suffering and Dying Where Love Is Least 1
Looking at People in a Restaurant, Talking to Brian 1
Brian Cannot Come Back to Me 3
Seven for Heaven: Human Haiku/Senryu, On Two Straight Guys Who Loved Each Other 3
Five Human Haiku (Senryu): Faithful to the Perfect Form 0
The Scream 3
Life Is 8
Following My Friend 3
Small Moments (Written by Patricia, for Brian) 1
For Precious Michael (Written by Patricia, for me) 4
Dream of Life, Dream of Friendship, Dream of Love 4
The Power to Create 4
A Single Fortune Cookie 6
The Meaning of Life 2
Dreamless 3
Prayers 3
Lost Love 2
I Thank My Mother for My Birthday and for Her Wonderful Mother Love 3
Lennon Lost His Life: And Now, So Has Teena Marie 2
All the Way with Part Way 2
Loving, Living, and Dying 6
Dreaming and Seeming 3
Poem Prayer 2
Science, Poetry, Philosophy, and More 2
Super A, Abuelita1--Th
ank You for Your Support, Caring Love, and Understanding
2
Wonderful Connie 1
Someday-Dying 2
Between Yes and No 3
Love of Life 1
Zappa the Magnificent 1
In the Midst of Life 2
Only One Death 1
Real Illusion 1
The Unknown 1
My Apparently Known Possible Fates in This World 1
No More Me 2
Someone 2
Leaving Life 1
Precious Jade 2
Fear and Grief and Going: Unguilty of the Grave 1
Using and Losing Time 1
Loveless Life 2
Good Life, Good Grief 1
Dreamless 1
Ontology versus Oncology 1
Now Time 2
No Present, No Future: All Past 3
Hippocratic Hell 1
First Light 2
Almost At the Limit [--A Sonnet] 1
Death-Trap 0
Broken 1
Birthday Termination 1
Moments 1
First and Last Cry 1
Love 2
Final Fragility 1
End of the World 1
Tripping 1
Seasonal Ring 1
Gifts that Go and Still Stay 1
Sidney Says: Advice to Poets and All Writers 3
Enthusiasm: God Within 3
Send Me Your Good Will, or Pray For Me--Please 1
Feeling Each Other's Pain 1
Snow Man for a Low Man 0
Explanation of My Poem "As If the Last" 2
New Year, No Love 2
Poetic Form 0
Guilty Pleasures: Not Guilty 2
About Me 1
Live, Laugh, and Love 4
Nothing Special 2
Why a Writer Writes 2
To Sarah Y and Her Beloved Little Boy Who Cries Out: Again! 1
I and You: Unique and the Same 1
Where's the Compasssion in Our Health Care System? 0
Lonely Girl, I'm Feeling the Way You're Feeling: But We Can Both Make It Through 3
Health-Care Reform and Hell on Earth 3
Psyche 3
My Bucket List (For Now) 4
My Most SCARED Moments 2
Children of the Stars 2
Passing Life's Test 1
Why More Now? 1
Remembering My Grandma on Thanksgiving Eve 3
Another Thursday, Another Hammer 4
Thursday's Hammer 1
New Birthday 2
Let Love of Life Light Up the Psyche of Fawn 1
To Angel Eyes: The Wonders of Your Life 1
Regarding the Lack of Fall in Texas 2
Light for the Fight 2
All That I Have 3
Shine 2
As If the Last 2
Here Now 1
All in Time 2
The Exile 2
Incurable and Terminal 4
Tripping 2
One More Tomorrow 1
My Dash 4
One of Two Is Stronger 1
No More Romeo; No More Juliet 1
Friendship and Life 1
Snow and Life 3
Live Spelled Backwards 1
Sarah Y 2
To Fly 2
My Cry 1
Moment of Madness 2
Fall From a Great Height 1
A Memory 1
Less Life; No Loving 2
A Loser, True 2
Time Stop 1
Final Sleep 1
Entre Enfer 1
Flying Life 1
One Would Have Been Enough to Make Life Worth Living 5
Once 3
The Haiku Form 2
Bridge to a Comet--Your Visits and Comments to Me 4
Get Well Soon, Luna Marie 2
Winging It (a human haiku, or senryu) 3
Light Locomotive 2
Skite, Where Were You Today? Where Are You Tonight? 2
Angel's Wings, Angel's Voice 4
Shy, but Not Too Shy 2
High Coo 4
From Night to Night 3
Life's Journey's End--Cut Short by Cancer 4
Love, Light, Life, and Night 2
Fear and Courage 1
Death in Life 3
Unknown Final Fate 3
To Right a Poem 4
Crab-Like Concealed 4
Soon 2
All in the Mind 3
Ebony Shine 3
On My Nephew Naming His First-Born Son After Me 5
Love, Loss, and Lennon 3
Eqinox 4
Feeling My Heart 5
The Best Person I Ever Knew: My Best Friend--Brian 2
In Memoriam, George Difficult 3
Lovers 7
Art 5
Things to Do 4
Plane on Fire 3
Ameliorator 5
Thanksgiving 7
Worlds of Light 24
Failure's Fortress 13
Song of Life (Original Version) 13