fawndesno10 commented on Fly Away, And Escape

07-03-2009

You say to escape but how can you escape when there is no escpe route. Once in evils hands ou will never escape. Hopefully one day i will be able to escape.

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RHPeat commented on Fly Away, And Escape

06-28-2009

In this poem L5 and L7 are saying just about the same thing. I suggest you cut one or the other out of poem for stronger intent in the complete poem. (cause) which you use in L3 means causation. To cause something to happen. To mean (because) it needs to be written ('cause) as a contraction. But you could say (because) and it wouldn't hurt the flow, music in the poem. And I have to tell you, you have written a great anaphora. I might suggest something that might make your poem a bit longer but change the cadence to a more musical presentation. Let this (/) represent line breaks: Fly Away/ Escape the pain in your life./ Fly Away/ Escape and you won't have to fight/ Fly Away/ Escape because you're tired of crap/ .... what this would do is cause a heavier accent to fall on the word (Escape), making the intent and the music of the poem stronger. It would cut all the (and)s that are doing nothing musically to the anaphora. The reader skips over them when they read the lines now. So why have them? By breaking the all the lines you empower both the fly away and the escape. it makes the poem even stronger with intent of get out of here, get away, I need to be alive, stop bringing me down BS. You also have the word (pain) in the first line as well. Get out the Thesaurus girl. look up some other words for pain so you don't sound like you're repeating yourself. It will make a stronger poem in the end. In L3 you have (your) instead of (you're) meaning (you are), when I type fast, I do this all the time. I always appreciate it when someone lets me know about it. To make more direct language in the line L7 you could say: (Escape and throw away all your memories) In L4 what does (that) refer to? I guess (crap) but I'm not sure. You could use the space for a word that adds something to the depth of your intent in the poem: hate, anger, bruises, etc. if you understand what I'm saying. Something that offers more intent to the action or desire to get away. //A poet friend/ RH Peat

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Jp commented on Fly Away, And Escape

06-26-2009

I can feel the hurt of this poem. I find myself in the same place at times, wishing I could fly away and escape. Well put!!

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