|
|
RE: Aria's Student Critiques
RE: Similes ... by Springsize
Poem 1:
Write a poem of 16 to 20 lines in 2 parts creating a comparison (2 stanzas). Make use of two different anaphoras. Anaphora: = The repetition of a word or phrase at the beginning of successive clauses. Focus on the three parts of a poem when writing the poem.
20 lines, comparing in 2 stanzas, using 2 different anaphoras.
Love 'n You
_________
Love, I would imagine
you walk into the room --
Where'd you get that smile ?
like my desert lagoon.
Love, in our Death Valley
'neath a lonely night moon,
You're the last chance cafe ...
You dessert on a spoon.
*
Loving and You, I feel
my heart, my joy, my tune.
Loving makes me happy
to think one day mmm hmmmm ...
Loving, ever playing
like ocean waves to sea,
perhaps we shall draw light
shadows in Saturn's rings.
Loving, we'll go swirling
like gold crystalline things,
and blow colored Venus
Love, to other Godlings
****************************************************
Poem 2:
Write a poem of 15 to 18 lines using tercets (3 line stanzas). Make use of a refrain within the poem. Realize when you construct the refrain that it will be used within the three parts of the poem: opening, turning point and closure. So be aware that the refrain has to be constructed in a manner that will offer intent within all three literary parts of the poem. Understand also that a refrain doesn't have to be on every stanza or evenly spaced within the poem.
19 lines, 8 meter, 6 stanzas, each w/3 tercets, with 6 and 1/2 refrain used
1st and 3rd lines rhyme
middle line rhymes itself
3 part: introduction, turning point, ending and blending
1 errant anomaly
the Suicide of Phoebe Prince and the 2 fallen angels
_________________________________________
Laughing, she came from Ireland
teen Princess with new girl essence
and how pretty her hair was hung
cascading softly 'round her face.
Laughing defiled her country smile
her curls twisted, she left this place.
I love you Mommy, she whispered...
Laughing girls with their jealous bleats
bully boys with those racing toys
who drove her down to obsolete.
Laughing at the 15 year old
so cru~el and not just at school.
Laughing, even as she lay cold.
Laughing, why.... after her defeat
-- is that a skill ? ... but who did kill
their joy? ... and what hell did they meet?
Two more angels, burned 'neath the street.
Chechnya's black widows billow
"Hail hate." ... laugh, cry, "...come death, to eat."
****************************************************
Poem-3:
Write a poem of 16 to 24 lines that is a conceit. That means the complete poem will be based one metaphor. The opening should set up the premise for the poem. But the title does not have to state the premise but at least it should be present in the first stanza. Write the poem in quatrains. The closure should relate to both sides of the metaphor in some way without revealing the deeper meaning of the poem. The closure needs to tie the opening and turning point together in some way to form a new concept.
20 lines, 5 quatrains, each stanza in joint rhyme, 10-10-10-8 meter, Conceit
My Love makes me Glow
___________________
She came upon me like a pirate crew
excited, my heart, as I watched her move
thousands of tingles, from my eye-core view
"I'm calling... I'm calling to you..."
*
Oh the flowers she wore, like day, I found
were singing to waves of visual sound
but the nose never shared a rose like this
my eyes, first aromic see mist.
*
She begged me to breathe her sweet summer breeze
Heaven lent softness to tease with soft leaves
her limbs that mirrored ballerina ease
my angel of land, and of sea
*
My yearning was churning, and I awoke
breathing, not dreaming, the dry made me choke
my lovely's soft hair, was balding limp smoke
her angel skin cracked, and it broke
*
Her face, now framed in angry, dark rainbows
above the bubbling suspicious foes
her veins are cauldrons of live volcanoes
my Earth, she glows old toxic snow.
*****************************************************
Poem-4:
Write a poem of 16 to 24 lines using couplets (2 line stanzas). Make use of ambiguity within this poem. Allow for more than one interpretation.
12 Couplets 24 lines, 8 Meter and use of Ambiguity
When the Mute Bird Sings
____________________
Government, 1940s ::: sigh :::
Stanford Medical, F.B.I.
"Op-er-a-tion Artichoke" womb
C. I. A., USArmy room
25 miles, south of the base
Castroville, May festival place
rhesus little Eagle-Being
born with broken polio wing
no drugs to immunize her pie
no deformation, they know why
nestled right in the public eye
they studied her like a buzzard spy
Then changed the name, a science thing
"Op-er-a-tion Bluebird", don't sing
sad vocal cords, her mute 'n kind
communicated mostly mind
but time did teach her ..... listening
as softly bluebird tried to sing
the raid was quick within her nest
her feathers clipped, just silence left
fishbowl wing-one, haven't you heard?
you sang, we took your baby birds
CB informant lives next door
perch on *that* wire, birdie la lore
****************************************************
Dear friend, your Poem #3 fulfills the assignment in every way and your way with words is simply amazing. The "comparison" ... the contrast is vibrant and real.
And Poem #4 is my favorite of yours...well almost! Soulmate Kiss is my absolute favorite so I will have to say, Poem 4 is my favorite of the assignments. I love the "ambiguity" and the way you let the mystery play in this poem. It is very well written, grabbing the reader in the first two stanzas with "CIA" and I really, really like the way you used real words to reflect that this is a true poem. Well written, I would give you an A++++....this poem is like a great mystery novel.
http://www.originalpoetry.com/forum/reply/edit/postid/14074/topic_id/3521
RE: critique of Poem 5 -of Springsize
****************************************************
Poem 5
.
Write a poem with regulated syllabic lines: The poem should have 10 to 15 lines made up of verses with 8 or 10 syllables each: Regulated metric lines have the same number of syllables
.
Sweet Mary on the Prairie
____________________
The child was 8.... and her brother... was 6
a treacherous place.... alone.... 'in the sticks'
old homestead, abode..... with prairie-night sounds
the mountains... were hugging.... like walls around
.
the world.... of the girl..... with the sad, sad face
who lived... in her mama's..... Death Valley place
of hot, stuffy bars..... and broken-down cars
and lots and lots..... of black widows.... in jars
.
long... had he kept them..... alive.... so much fun
teasing her,,, so wretchedly..... thought he'd won
waiting with vengeance..... she found them... that's right
put them in his bed..... and snuck.... out of sight
"Your brother is ill..... you'll sleep there... tonight"
.
and the guests..... they could.... not hear... a murmur
she screamed.... the blanket... was moving ... on her
Form 1 cinquain, 2 quatrains, 1 couplet / 15 lines / 10 syllable meter
Even though this seems a simple enough assignment, I am finding it difficult myself to use the exact number of syllables in each line; thus I much enjoyed counting on my fingers as I read this poem and found it much more fun to read and count this one (so perfectly done!) than to write my own. The assignment is 100% well done, the only concern I had was the use of the word "guests" in the next to last line, as I wasn't sure who the word referred to.
RE: critique of Poem 6 -My Rosie Red Roses - by Springsize
Poem 6
.
Write a poem with regulated syllabic stanzas: The poem should have between 10 and 24 lines - make sure that you give your stanza pattern for the poem.
My Rosie Red Roses
____________________
Pretty little rose bush, smiling
with color that kisses the setting sun
shyly, your petals sing
"Come, share my air, and breathe with me until night comes..."
.
Oooooh you wonderful, red roses
melting, strawberry, summer-day kiss-lips
in wide-puckered poses
velvet, your shivers... exhale on my fingertips
*
Oh Rosie, red blood drips and flows
dying, your petals are drooping and torn
chemicals taint your toes
what devil seeped brown horns.... weeping... now, angel thorns
.
Precious your fragrant Red Rose-ness
replanted your roots in organic ground
with Godly nutrients
like you.... in your sweet-grave-sachet, and red-scent crown
4 regulated syllabic stanzas / 20 lines
8,10,6,12 syllables / loving like a red, red rose
You have easily mastered the regulated syllabic stanzas of this assignment. The poem is genuine and well-thought out. This poem to my observation is written from your heart with clarity and not only as an assignment. The imagery in your poem is vivid and the three parts are clearly defined. Lovely write, thank you!
RE: critique of Springsize's Poem 7 - the pantoum
****************************************************
Poem 7
Practice Repeat lines, using Syllabic Stanza Pantoum [20 Lines (10 Unique)]
2nd,4th lines become 1st,3rd lines in subsequent stanzas
1st,3rd lines in 1st stanza used for last stanza 2nd,4th lines.
8-10 Meter
The Night of Her Flower
__________________
The girl was such a pretty thing
she wore a bright smile and a promise ring.
Noooooooooo, it's not, it's so Not like this
she went missing the night before her bliss
She wore a bright smile and a promise ring
where is office flower of spring?
She went missing the night before her bliss
they're holding breath, with a clenched fist
Where is office flower of spring?
dead on the eve of her hour's wedding
holding their breath, with a clenched fist
lonely man give the bride a kiss?
Dead on the eve of her hour's wedding
The girl was such a pretty thing
lonely man gave the bride a kiss....
noooooooooo... it's not, so not like this.
Form Pantoum 4 quatrains, 20 lines (10 unique) 10, 8 meters rhyming
First of all, thank you RHPeat for introducing your students to this form...I, for one, particularly enjoy the emotion the repeated lines add to the poem.
SS, you have a gift of rhyme and word-play. You have mastered this form as easily and gracefully as the others and all with perfect syllabic meter in this one, the pantoum. A+
RE: Critique of Springsize Poem 8
******************************************************
Poem 8
13 lines of 13 syllables.
pull it off with a strong turning and a great closure devoted to a very heavy subject that shouldn't be treated lightly and yet offer a unique insight
Spring was singing, high in the trees the day they were born
Warm, was rustling leaves so softly as if to adorn
heads with bonnets, tiny, as they lay nestled at home
and life did cherish the three hearts that were so alone
Twins like mirrors blessing their mother's brownish color
tinged with golden hues, and the darker one was smaller
Oh, their mother knew she had been flying, with good luck
til the changes of stormy weather suddenly struck
Fast was lightning that hit the dry forest trees near-by
Fire was coming and the smoke ran into their eyes
then the panic loomed like dragons breathing over ice
she could never leave her babies and death was her price
the rangers cried, finding birdlings, safe within her wings
You managed this assignment perfectly, SS! Beautifully written poem about the horror and devastation of a wildfire.....and the truth of a mother's love in mother nature. A perfect score from me on this one!
*********************************************************************************************
Poem 9 Assignment RHPeat Poetry Class, OP Forums, RE: Working toward the sonnet/starting as the novice poet"
Write a 10 to 18 line poem in blank Verse using your choice of iambic tetrameter or iambic pentameter. Stanzas are OK. That is either 8 syllables or 10 syllables per line with 4 or 5 iambs respectfully for tetrameter and pentameter. ...
I chose: Form 4 quatrains, 16 lines, iambic pentameter NO RHYMES
Sweet VelvetSmooth
I love your foods that honey me, 'o tree
and nuts, like seeds that thick, my winter blood
I love your trellis berry gypsy bulbs
like global pods in unity, when ripe
I love your smell of peaches, red and orange
though I do favor purple velvet grapes
that roll across my view and sleepy tongue
and spark the sugar faeries sprinkle dust
like music, moves my throbbing pulse for more
your life to life with nectar rich, thick songs
come throat, along, hear angels singing sweet
to harmony, togetherly, to call
my tongue, love-flavored, foods, I love caress
to touch the pearls of heaven's terrace gift
where I may sample mouthy treasure lips
upon veranda's taste-filled view of fine.
We've had much to learn in these lessons and critiquing is the most difficult part for me. It is part of the homework; however, I must proceed. I enjoyed your presentation of the fruits of summer like a lovely picnic spread out to enjoy and to savor. I didn't understand the use of the word "thick" in the 2nd line of the first stanza "like seeds that thick, my winter blood".... I feel like there might be a better word choice there not only for clarity but also because you use the word "thick" again in the 2nd line of the 3rd stanza. Every line ta-DUMs right along until the 4th line of the 3rd stanza. I hesitate to comment because chances are I'm wrong but I think " harmony" is dactyl (?) as is "togetherly"...I think adding the "ly" to the word threw the meter off. BUT as you know, I'm a student here, too...so I could be wrong. In the first line of your 4th stanza, "love-flavored" seems to me to be a spondee - an accent on "love" and "flav"....but there again, it's only my opinion, and like Dennis Miller, I could be wrong. Whew!, SS, critiquing this poem for me is like dissecting a lovely kitten in biology class. Your poem is beautiful and celebrates summer, my favorite season and your imagery is so lovely...my favorite line is "spark the sugar faeries sprinkle dust like music"...also the enjambment there was so well done, carrying over to the next stanza and continuing the thought....also "hear angels singing sweet to harmony" is lovely...You have a remarkable talent to use words that play across a line. I hope our teacher reads this. A critique of the critique may be in order here.
Critique of Springsize’s #10 (form is Ron’s portal) – Hugs to Your Heart
Perfectly written assignment, SS! You used the form and owned it in your own inimitable way. I especially like the seamless way your words are woven through the stanzas (enjambment, note, I have been paying attention in class) - great write, dear friend!
Terza Rima - 11a – It was Sunday afternoon on Mission St.
You mastered the form, SS and your rhymes are always perfect...I find the last stanza a little vague...but it may just be me...I need clarity, simply written sometimes.
Terza Rima - 11b – The Exit Sign
You successfully completed this assignment, SS! I can't see any word or rhyme or iamb out of place. This is an amazing story-poem, leading the reader to understanding rather than simply telling and you did it all in the perfect poetic form of terza rima. Congratulations, SS, you are on your way to the sonnet!
Critique of Springsize’s #12 Villanelle– America, sweet Liberties
Excellent use of the villanelle form assignment...the rhyme and meter are impeccable!
Critique of Springsize’s #13 Terzanelle – Rainbow River (terzanelle)
Sounds like a sky-ride poem from the sixties...I have no idea what it means but it sounds so lovely and falls so lovely off the lips when read out loud...you have the best word descriptions of anybody, SS! I love your terzanelle....did I spell that right? aterzanelle, well okay, then. A++
Reply from Springsize:
Thank you So Much, Aria... I knew I had a problem with the closure, and that it did not identify the theme behind my poem. I hope I have made this more clear now... or I shall have to remove this poem for frankensteinian repair.
Reply from Aria:
Do not change your poem...it is perfect. I understand it now and it doesn't need anything, it does exactly what a poem is supposed to do, "show" NOT "tell"....and you do this so well, SS! After reading through it several more times, your ability to make the reader pause and literally see the clouds, the rainbow angels (I love that)...and the baby face. God bless you, sweet friend...your poetry that flows from your pure heart inspires me to be a better person, much less a better poet.
********************************************************************************************
critique – Kabbalistic – Fellow Traveler
Pretending we don't know each other, we are here as poetry students...I will attempt to critique your poem but please remember, I am a novice at this as well as poetry. The assignment was for a 15 - 18 line poem using tercets, making use of a refrain and being aware of the opening, turning point and closure. The first thing I notice is the poem is 24 lines, so perhaps condensing if possible to meet the constraints would be plausible. It seems that in the opening, the poet is writing of a fresh start, a new beginning with a person who either he has known before or a person who has shared a similar experience a "deep chasm" where a "foundation" has been laid and that has given the poet common ground with the
fellow traveler. The poet brings attention to the word "virgin" numerous times simply by repeating it often. The reason for the word choice is not made clear to me in the poem other than I tried substituting "unknown" for virgin and that word worked to help me understand. Also, in the third stanza, you have repeated the word "forever" ... In most cases, I would suggest a different word with the same meaning rather than repeating the word that closely together...unless you are making a point in the repetition. I do note the three parts of the poem, well defined opening, turning point and closure....the poem is written as a vow this time to not "miss again" - there again a hint at a past relationship that is renewed or new again. I would suggest replacing the first word of the fifth stanza "that" with "a" for smoothness ("that" falls harsh on the ear)...noting the enjambment of thought and line into the next stanza, well done. You have already noted in your commentary that there is not a refrain unless we consider the word "virgin" the refrain. I think it would be simple to construe a line using the word "virgin" and repeat that line at the three distinct parts of the poem, condense the poem into 6 stanzas rather than 8 and thus fulfill the "form" required in the assignment. And I will also say, writing a critique is hard work. Thank you for participating in class and allowing us to critique your work.
********************************************************************************************
Critiques of Wordslingers Poems
RE: Critique of Wordslinger's Poem 5
Poem-5
Write a poem with regulated syllabic lines: The poem should have 10 to 15 lines made up of verses with 8 or 10 syllables each: Regulated metric lines have the same number of syllables each--you have to chose a number
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gardens On Radio Waves
You have a pocketful of light
I’m flush, can you spare some tonight
You’ve said any where, anytime
I could, and it would be alright
What’s the rush, what’s the rush; can these
ears hear the reciting in a whisper
The poems lush, the poems lush; Guess I’m
in fear I’ am going to crush my dear
Oh Grace, let me see your hand, God
I want to play with your wand, God
I hope you do understand, yes God;
So you can find the lost bond, God
Before you do; can she recite before
I go? The Poem; Farewell to
The Weeping Rose
First of all, WS, I apologize for not critiquing this one sooner. Somehow you slipped 5 and 6 in without me noticing. Actually, I was wondering why you were late with the assignment (since you are always the early-bird!)...and found them.
I see the 15 lines which is according to the guidelines of the assignment. My understanding of the assignment is that regulated metric lines have the same number of syllables each, you have to chose a number. I think it is permissible to have some with 8 or some with 10 but I believe it was to be regulated. Also, line 11 has 9 syllables, line 14 has 7, and line 15 has 4. It's a lovely poem, Word, but my critique is, go back and count those syllables and make it fit the form. Okay?
Poem -6
Write a poem with regulated syllabic stanzas: The poem should have between 10 and 24 lines--there is a number of choices here within the number of lines depending on how many lines you have per stanza. You can use any number of even syllables within each of your lines, make sure they are an even number of syllables. You can use 4 to 5 stanzas within your poem--no couplets
______________________________
Water Kisses
Love stopped our speech into our kisses reach
Yes, the flame, undistinguished, and untamed
Gentle: This waterfall we are under
Warm breath, cool-cool water, bodies closer
Kisses with water under this nightfall
We; accomplices to our happiness
This is how we do feel, this is our seal
Water kisses, have you heard is proverb?
Kiss-spiritual into each other,
We kiss away, oh yes we kiss away
It is so hard to behave near the cave
So we do slip away, we slip away
As we kissed, she felt my grip around her
waste, healing the loneliness with our taste
Every time it shall rain, it will be our
embrace, and our look on our face, to trace
----------------------------------------------------------
I see you have written 4 stanzas in quatrains, 10 syllables per line. So you met the requirements of the assignment there. After re-reading the assignment I see that having the same number of syllables per line is an option. So well done, except for one misspelled word, Word...a waist is not waste... Much love, my friend...please go easy with the chain saw!
RE: critique of Wordslingers Assignment #8
Originally Posted by WordSlinger
Poem-8 in the theme of always late for class'
Hollander's (little song) sonnet is made up of 13 lines of 13 syllables
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tardy, but Flew in on a Paper Airplane
Yes this move here, shall fly high; and this will sure pass
Skipping class, a meter, just may get a foot in my ass
Re-cycled piece of paper: This is my career
Yes, I’m about to fold into something special
Words are just as, like what, I ‘m a simile here
And when I’m done, Hey‘, you can toss me horizontal
Oh no, it’s better that you don’t even ask me why
I ‘am going to glide, glide, like a; as a aero plane,
Gently curve in the thin breeze, and raise to rise and fly
Long tail sturdy, stability wordy, that’s my name
I wouldn’t miss poetry class for the big blue sky
Yes, I sure do know what I am, it is so simple
Here is the principal, hold your tongue, and say apple
Dear John E. Wordslinger: Sometimes I think you are just yanking our chains to see if we're paying attention. The assignment was 13 lines of 13 syllables...and you gave 13 lines ...8 of which (to my count) had 13 syllables, 1 had 14 and 4 had 12. It wouldn't be very difficult to conform your poem to the form but I sense you don't want to conform even though you're here in poetry class...however; my friend, if we are to be the example to other poets that your voice is often heard calling all of us here on OP to be....I think you should respect the teachers (and fellow classmates) enough to take the time to do the assignment as required. Use your fingers to count, or tap your foot....I know you're a musician...other than that, it's a matter of taking the time to do it right out of respect for the one teaching the class. Thank you.
Critique of Wordslingers Poem 9
A Moments Lock
A bellow, it’s a bellow, and it’s light
Such a sweet breeze, sweet breeze kissing my skin
A peaceful place where no voice moves, it’s a
yellow, it’s a yellow, and it’s nice; these
blessings take years to rest upon and on
Yes, keep your heart up, moment cherish
Such a sweet breeze, sweet breeze kissing my skin
Makes one want to be a poet, yes a poet
Under nights skies, kissed under nights skies
Now I’m a blushing, flushing bellow breeze
I commend you WS on the originality contained in all of your poetry. Even if I didn't see your name posted, you have a unique style that identifies your poems. I am a fellow student critiquer, so please bear with me. The poem was assigned as iambic in either pentameter or tetrameter, you chose pentameter being 10 syllables per line. Of the 10 lines, 7 of them have 10 syllables, line 6 has 9 syllables, line 8 has 12, and line 9 has 9. The first line is perfect iamb. a BELlow, IT'S a BELlow AND it's LIGHT (I'm listening for the ta-DUM that Peat wrote of and I can hear it in this line)...however, the next line doesn't follow the ta-DUM. The line begins with a stresed syllable which I believe makes it trochee rather than iambic. The third line starts out well enough in iambic but then with "voice MOVES, IT'S a " you have two stressed syllables together, is that a spondee? I'm not sure. Then in your fourth line you begin with a stressed syllable...so already we know it is not iambic. I think I've done enough on this one to let you know it needs to go back to the writing-board or perhaps one of our teachers will come along behind me and clear up any misconceptions I have created from my own lack of knowledge. I have used three poetry handbooks in trying to define the terms but I am by no means sure of what I'm doing other than to say "this is only my opinion and what do I know?" I believe if we practice the ta-DUM that Peat has suggested, we will get it. Thanks for allowing me to critique your poem...it's a fun poem, it celebrates young love and spring and if it were not an assignment, I would say Great poem, WS! I will not be rating when I have to critique an assignment even though I did rate the one I critiqued previous to this one. Also, thanks again for your help in restructuring the School of Poetry. It is much more user friendly now!
Critique of Wordslingers Poem 10
El English
A Kabbalistic Balladeer
Repeat, there’s a good echo in here
It burns like wood, el stone, forever fire
Forever fire`~ el English ember
You want one, become a member
A flourished Cousin blood Thought Caster
A new disciple in the watch
Bare down, and show us your whittled notch
We do not use nails, we use screws
Like anchors deep, can’t be cut loose
L1 is iambic pentameter which sets the poem up to be 8 syllables per line. L2 is 9 syllables, L3 is 10, L4 is 10, L5 is 8, L6 is 9, L7 is 8, L8 is 9, L9 is 8 and L10 is 8. I think you need to decide if you want to use 8 or 10 syllables per line. It can't be iambic if the syllable count is off. - sorry, WS!
oops, L1 is iambic TETRAMETER not pentameter! My mistake, please excuse me!!!
Critique of Wordslingers’ #11 – Terza Rima
Dear Word, you know I'm crazy about you and your poetry...but please repeat after me....ta DUM ta DUM ta DUM ta DUM...play it on the drums, play it on the roof...Peat has a great posts in the lessons about how to get the iamb...it really works. If you don't do anything else for a whole evening but "sing the iamb song" in your head...it works. You're a musician I know you can do it. This is the critique...the rest of the lessons are building blocks on this one thing...ya' gotta' get it, my friend. You are such a great wordsmith, but like a perfectly trained horse is beauty in motion (well, come to think of it wild ones are, too..that wasn't a very good metaphor!) ...so will your poetry be when you catch the meter thing...it's going to fly off the page with fresh wings.
Critique of Wordslinger’s #12 – Villanelle – A Poets Jig
You got the form, you got the rhyme...all you need is iambic pentameter. You know you can be the best of both worlds, WS, I think free verse is great but that doesn't mean that structured poetry is any less great. With your superb imagination and abilities, I can only imagine how totally awesome your poetry will be. To learn from the masters of poetry is part of the gift they left us in their words. Poetry school is not taking anything away from your style or your poetry, it is simply adding more instruments to the band...to use as you will, when you will, as you want.
Critique of Wordslinger’s #13 Terzanelle– Radiation Cemetery
This has a great e.e. kind of feel to it...it's not perfect in meter but you're getting there. I love the visionary feel of this one, WS!
Critique of Wordslinger’s #14 – Sontoum - Sit Down and Sitar
John E, you certainly do give your fellow students an education in the critique. I have a much better understanding of the sontoum after having done the scansion on your assignment #14. My first question on looking at your poem was the definition of the word "raga" since I was not familiar with it. The dictionary defined it as "basically a set of rules for how to build a melody...in Hindu music." Knowing the boy genius joke-star that you are....I immediately think you're messing with my mind because basically isn't this what we're trying to learn in poetry class? A set of rules for how to build a melody? Interesting subject choice, for sure. I move on to note that the 14 line count of 3 quatrains and a couplet is correct. You pretty much nailed the repeton except on L1 of S2 which should have been the exact same line as B1 in S1...so one of those lines need to be changed so match the other. Trying to scansion your poetry takes a much more skilled student that I. The only thing I'm sure of is that the accent in "raga" is on the first syllable (that, too, is from the dictionary)...thus your poem starts off as trochee and not iamb. The only lines that I think are iambic pentameter are B1 and maybe C1. I believe "heavenly" is dactyl meaning a stressed syllable followed by two light stresses. You did follow the basic rules for the sontoum and your words play across the page in your own distinct style. Your poem is musical and your word-play is sing-song. Thank you for adding a new word to my vocabulary today and for allowing me to critique on your poem.
*********************************************************************************************
Critiques of LeslieAlexis poems
RE: Critique Poems 1 by Leslie Alexis
Poem 1:
Write a poem of 16 to 20 lines in 2 parts creating a comparison (2 stanzas). Make use of two different anaphoras. Anaphora: = The repetition of a word or phrase at the beginning of successive clauses. Focus on the three parts of a poem when writing the poem.
The Boys In The Library
I overheard them while in the library.
--Two young men of age eighteen.--
This was what I heard them say:
They said there are obnoxiously loud
They said they dress in saggy pants
And sit as if sitting on their backs,
The way a lazy dog would do;
They use women and keep no curfew.
They spoke of the younger brothers.
And spoke so badly of them, but
They said they too had many girls
And when I saw them they were slouched
And they were obnoxiously loud,
And with their pants, they couldn’t walk;
You should have heard them talk.
They said they’re going to party at two;
They find faults in what the younger do…?
Hi again leslieAlexis
I notice first that you have formed your poems with 17 lines, which IS, of course, an odd number... and still it falls within the rules of 16-20.
Also, you have successfully begun almost ALL of your lines with an anaphora (repeated) phrase... of "they are' so again, you have followed instructions.
Now... I am looking for the 2 part ambiguity and I think you have expressed this with your first stanza which infers a conversation about 18 years that are perhaps lazy or wear baggy pants... and then in the 2nd stanza Reader is aware that you are speaking as the younger brothers who look exactly like the ones in the first stanza. Each thinks the other is unkempt and does not fit it... So you have accomplished the goal of two different views that looked the same
.
Critiquing is my least favorite part of this class and I have put it off as long as possible.
The assignment was to write a poem (16-20 lines) using 2 different anaphoras, creating contrast and focusing on the 3 parts of a poem.
Your poem is 17 lines, I suppose the anaphora is the repetitive "they" and "ands" which I find oh, how can I say this politely....boring. They, and, that and but are all words that in my rule book should be avoided because they are insignificant, common....and make a poem dull. Opening, turning point, closure? The poem is an observation and I don't see the turning point that left me anything to discern or think about as a reader.
RE: critique of LeslieAlexis Poem 2
Poem 2:
Write a poem of 15 to 18 lines using tercets (3 line stanzas). Make use of a refrain within the poem. Realize when you construct the refrain that it will be used within the three parts of the poem: opening, turning point and closure. So be aware that the refrain has to be constructed in a manner that will offer intent within all three literary parts of the poem. Understand also that a refrain doesn't have to be on every stanza or evenly spaced within the poem.
A Kiss
They call it a kiss
A butterfly’s touch
The gentlest rest
They call it a kiss
A summertime breeze
The warmest caress
They call it a kiss
A drizzling rain
The heavenly dress
They call it a kiss
A sweltering sun
The desire for less
They call it a kiss
A bee's painful sting
The soul of true stress
They call it a kiss
Whatever it is
They call it a kiss
18 lines as assigned, tercet as assigned...and having read this assignment immediately after reading the first...I am struck by your use of the word "they"...
but you did write the refrain and complete the assignment. Noting that a kiss went from a butterfly touch to a bee sting...I find that interesting...and a turning point for me to think about, thank you.
Poem-3:
Write a poem of 16 to 24 lines that is a conceit. That means the complete poem will be based one metaphor. The opening should set up the premise for the poem. But the title does not have to state the premise but at least it should be present in the first stanza. Write the poem in quatrains. The closure should relate to both sides of the metaphor in some way without revealing the deeper meaning of the poem. The closure needs to tie the opening and turning point together in some way to form a new concept.
Kissed By a Shadow
I was kissed by a shadow.
On a summer day, when the
Sun shone in the bright sky, she
Sneaked from a tree, and kissed me.
Kissed me on my cheek, and neck
And every spot on my face,
And lips and eyes, and my nose.
Tenderly, I was kissed, by
A shadow, that left no trace:
For, of all the parts she kissed,
She did not kiss my heart
And shadowy kisses fade,
Like a puff of smoke scatters,
Throughout the universe,
Only to be forgotten;
When I recall, Her wet kisses.
Quatrain, conceit, and metaphor ... a very nice poem. The metaphor contradicts itself, however, in the last stanza...."puff of smoke" and "wet" kiss...unless you are going for the contrast there which I suppose could be the case.
Poem-3:
Write a poem of 16 to 24 lines that is a conceit. That means the complete poem will be based one metaphor. The opening should set up the premise for the poem. But the title does not have to state the premise but at least it should be present in the first stanza. Write the poem in quatrains. The closure should relate to both sides of the metaphor in some way without revealing the deeper meaning of the poem. The closure needs to tie the opening and turning point together in some way to form a new concept.
Kissed By a Shadow
I was kissed by a shadow.
On a summer day, when the
Sun shone in the bright sky, she
Sneaked from a tree, and kissed me.
Kissed me on my cheek, and neck
And every spot on my face,
And lips and eyes, and my nose.
Tenderly, I was kissed, by
A shadow, that left no trace:
For, of all the parts she kissed,
She did not kiss my heart
And shadowy kisses fade,
Like a puff of smoke scatters,
Throughout the universe,
Only to be forgotten;
When I recall, Her wet kisses.
Quatrain, conceit, and metaphor ... a very nice poem. The metaphor contradicts itself, however, in the last stanza...."puff of smoke" and "wet" kiss...unless you are going for the contrast there which I suppose could be the case.
RE: critique of LeslieAlexis Poem 4
Poem 4 Write a poem of 16 to 24 lines using couplets (2 line stanzas). Make use of ambiguity within this poem. Allow for more than one interpretation.
Beyond The Ray
What lies beyond the ray?
Beyond the making of day.
Is there more to this thing
That causes the cock to sing?
What might there be that light
Would look upon for light?
The depth of truth is relative
So, does light only grieve
Or maybe he stands proud?
At the top, he could be loud.
But light knows of greater than he,
For at the hour he fades humbly
To give the spot to a lesser man,
Day by day he does it by plan,
Whose? Light and light alone knows
But HE must glow more that he glows.
16-24 lines, couplets, ambiguity....all well done as assigned. "That" and "but" could have been left out of the stanzas and in my opinion, the poem would have more impact.
RE: critique of LeslieAlexis Poem 5
Poem 5
Write a poem with regulated syllabic lines: The poem should have 10 to 15 lines made up of verses with 8 or 10 syllables each: Regulated metric lines have the same number of syllables
Your Love Pours
Jupiter’s rings, if they were made of gold
I would place upon your finger, my love.
And not because the third can fit the space,
But because your heart fills it and gives more:
Beyond the band dewdrops of honeyed love
Pours… much like the oil of Elijah’s word;
Enough that from the excess I can use,
And stand in the assurance that there’s store.
The women of my past only gave drops…
That as drizzles in deserts during drought
Quickly dried on the arid surfaces…
And the ring they would use as a jump rope…
To dance away… but such is not your way,
And your love is topped only by Christ’s drink
And of the promises of both, I’m sure.
15 lines, 10 syllables - regulated meter
Very nicely done assignment.
Edit
Quote
Flag Post
Delete
04-18-2010 at 11:22:50 PM
•
• Aria
• Posts: 116 RE: critique of LeslieAlexis Poem 6
Poem 6
Write a poem with regulated syllabic stanzas: The poem should have between 10 and 24 lines - make sure that you give your stanza pattern for the poem.
Cinquain: 6,7,8, 9,10 syllable
Rhyme pattern: a,b,a,b,b
Art
Though the tip’s dipped in ink,
The art looks like a squid sprayed
The colors, which are out of sync:
As if they were done by a grenade.
Lovers of torment it would serenade.
From abstract to absurd;
And carried by tidal waves
The artist uses trash to gird.
Idiot! A man by the name, Staves,
Shows many a plant growing out of graves.
He had too many turns.
Like a tornado’s winds blown
He took without any concerns,
Of things passed and those yet to be known;
Of all, why so crooked a picture sewn?
On each look, I see less…
Can it be knowledge is rife?
And wisdom is blamed for the mess?
For each man’s drawn knelt before a wife…
And he named the piece; he named the piece life.
Great rhyme and tight meter. Well done assignment.
RE: critique of LeslieAlexis Poem 7
Poem 7
Practice Repeat lines, using Syllabic Stanza Pantoum [20 Lines (10 Unique)]
2nd,4th lines become 1st,3rd lines in subsequent stanzas
1st,3rd lines in 1st stanza used for last stanza 2nd,4th lines.
8-10 Meter
An owl soars over open sea
The fat blind bird in open range
Soars like eagles – incredibly!
He makes a scene, for he’s estranged.
The fat blind bird in open range.
The owl in the pacific air;
He makes a scene, for he’s estranged
He conquers every passing fear.
The owl in the pacific air.
The harsh sun and her seeping light;
He conquers every passing fear,
He travels both in day and night.
The harsh sun and her seeping light
Through the osprey and birds of prey
He travels both in day and night,
The fire for an all owl buffet
Through the osprey and birds of prey
An owl soars over open sea:
The fire for an all owl buffet,
Soars like eagles – incredibly!
The pantoum is written very well with the repetitive lines contained to continue the story. Oh yes, repeton! Rhyme and regulated meter, well done. In the instructions for the pantoum assignment, RHPeat wrote "Generally the pantoum isn't very effective for telling a story but it can be very good for a more emotional presentation of subject matter." I see what he means.
********************************************************************************************
Originally Posted by leslieAlexis
Hollander Sonnet: 13 lines of 13 syllables each.
Caught in Folly (Lost in her Eyes)
I was like an astronaut glazing toward the earth.
I was in awe at the magnificence before me ,
So I tried to walk in the direction of the sea;
(The brilliant green would surely give my life some mirth)
I was unsuccessful because I lacked gravity.
Akin to Jupiter’s they were parted by a ring.
The beautiful land seemed one of infinite spring,
In contract to my place where winter reigned continually:
Fireflies don’t sparkle, bluebirds, nightingales never sing.
She called my name; I was lost in the universe’s eyes
That like magician’s watch, with time had me hypnotized.
Coming closer I estimated what she might bring:
When she said, “Fool, leave me be!” I thought her words were lies.
Lex, Welcome back! The imagery in this poem is some of the best yet, I really enjoyed the metaphors and the scene that you painted quite vividly with words.
That said, it could use a little tune-up of syllables per line and also a couple of misspelled words need to be corrected (i.e. contract in line 8 should be contrast, glazing in line 1 should be gazing.) As for syllables...I'm not the best at counting because I'm a Texan and sometimes our words have more syllables than the norm. I enjoyed the poem thoroughly and especially liked lines 8 and 9 (the contrast of winter and "fireflies, bluebirds, nightingales) and the jab to the heart of the last line is superb. Great closure!
*********************************************************************************************
CritRE: RE: Critique of Kah's Poem 1
Quote:
Originally Posted by kah
Poem 1
Hope I'm not too far behind! I got a late start to school this year!
kah
The Evening Does Glide
The fish are swimming elegantly
Catching my eye with their graceful turns.
Do they realize they are caged?
I am drawn to their fluid movements.
As they swim, the day slides away from me;
Better than an amber shot of relief
These sleek-finned beings.
Water sounds lull into evening’s gentle glide.
The fish are floating belly up
Catching my eye with their stillness.
It’s sad to be dead in your cage.
My staring missed something;
Watching is not the same as seeing –
What does it mean that I see you now?
Sleek-finned and floating
With me into evening’s gentle glide.
Poem 1: Write a poem of 16 to 20 lines in 2 parts creating a comparison (2 stanzas). Make use of two different anaphoras. Anaphora: = The repetition of a word or phrase at the beginning of successive clauses. Focus on the three parts of a poem when writing the poem.
Hi kah! Welcome to Peat's Poetry Class! Here we critique each others poetry as part of the assignment. Not only learning to write poetry but to read and critique as well.
You have written a 16 line poem in 2 parts creating a comparison as assigned. Unfortunately, you have joined the midst of those of us who didn't get the "anaphora" definition. I quote from the Princeton Encyclopedia of Poetry: "Anaphora - the repetition of the same word or words at the beginning of successive phrases, clauses, sentences or lines." So technically, even though you repeated the words "The fish" and "catching" your poem is not written in the anaphora style. I was advised to read Whitman because he was the master of anaphora. Here is an example from Whitmans "Out of the Cradle"
"From the memories of the bird that chanted to me,
From your memories, sad brother—from the fitful risings and fallings I heard,
From under that yellow half-moon, late-risen, and swollen as if with tears,
From those beginning notes of sickness and love, there in the transparent mist,
From the thousand responses of my heart, never to cease,
From the myriad thence-arous’d words,
From the word stronger and more delicious than any,
From such, as now they start, the scene revisiting..."
Hope this helps! Again, welcome to class...don't worry about fitting in, you already do! (mass class confusion over anaphora!) And this is the first thing I learned - invest in a poetry handbook if you don't have
Critique of Kah's Poem 2
The assignment was 15 - 18 lines using tercets making use of a refrain within the three parts of the poem. The refrain does not have to be evenly spaced within the poem nor on every stanza. I think you succeeded well in the three parts of the poem, opening, turning point and closure and used the refrain as required. My only question would be the use of the word "galaxian" i.e. is that a word? It was distracting to me but perhaps not to other readers. Good job on the assignment!
CRITIQUE OF KAH'S POEM 3 - CONCEIT
Very interesting write and I think you did a great job on the assignment. The metaphor was used without being revealed and the closure of the poem tied it all together. Great write! (oops, sorry, there's a typo - veiwing - viewing.)
critique of kah's poem 4 -
Gosh, this is so difficult for me!!! Never realized how much I hate "rules"!
Poem 4: Write a poem of 16 to 24 lines using couplets (2 line stanzas). Make use of ambiguity within this poem. Allow for more than one interpretation. Or let the opening and turning in the poem be extremely different within the presentation so they don’t appear related to one another in any way at all. Let the poem be equivocal in thought and vision. Stay focused on the three parts of the poem: opening, turning point and closure. So be aware that the ambiguity has to be constructed in a manner that will offer content within the reader; allow for discovery on the readers part. Understand that ambiguity doesn't have to be on every stanza of the poem as long as the is carried throughout the overall presentation.
Poem 4
The Gift
Goblets sit hollow, holding promise
Whispering sacred songs for other’s notice.
There is much variety among those vessels
Each carefully designed to cradle the blessings.
Not meant for vacancy these fertile cups,
Repel tainted fingers; only the pure may touch.
Enter the rapiers, gleaming and straight,
Brimming with character of strength, weight.
Each bold blade will find the proper seat
A table will be set; chalices, knives, complete.
Proper use of such common utensils
Protect each other – avoid pretenses.
The effort borne here will create a great gift -
Goblets will hold what the rapiers impart swift.
In time, overflowing, spilling life fruit
Chalices will empty, fulfilling their use.
Silver light bathes, the cycle completes.
The cups will return, placed again at the seat.
Mighty swords will be cleaned gleaming
Awaiting these hallowed goblets, dreaming.
The gift lies not in the song or dance:
It resides in the union, the striking of balance.
You have followed the form of couplets in the assigned number of lines perfectly.
I see that you have allowed the reader their own interpretation (very well done!) and you have a very pronounced opening, turning point and closure. I particularly like the wording...goblets, rapiers and chalices impart a feeling of the middle ages...and the last stanza is a classic "the gift lies not in the song or dance: It resides in the union, the striking of balance."....there is such truth in the statement, kah. Beautifully written, A+ in my book! ne. You wrote a very interesting poem and I liked the metaphor of the fish bowl/one's life
CRITIQUE OF KAH'S POEM 5 - I love this poem, the humor and the insight into the world of young boys and video games. I especially liked the surprise ending, the reveal at the closure. I think someone has already mentioned to you L5 has 11 syllables - I think generals could be gen'rals or little could be li'l for an easy fix.
CRITIQUE OF KAH'S POEM 6 - - I'm not sure about how you interpreted the assignment, I was expecting a tercet or a quatrain since Prof mentioned 4 to 5 stanzas but no couplets and 10 to 24 lines. You have 18 lines, I would suggest dividing it equally into tercets. The form is a little jumbled and doesn't allow for easy reading...somehow the form contributes to the flow of poetry...(LOL! I need to read the class notes again or get out the poetry handbook!). Other than that, at this point in the exercises we are to be counting syllables and he did specify no matter how many syllables, it had to be an even number. I hate being nit-picky but your L5 has 11. Have I mentioned critiquing is the hardest part of this class for me? I enjoyed reading the whole poem.
Critique of kah's assignment/poem 7
Poem 7
WRITE A PANTOUM
1. Write a quatrain/ a four-line stanza. Let the lines have either an end-stop or an enjambment on the end of the line. I suggest that line 2 have an enjambment and that line 4 have an end-stop. This will allow each stanza to flow to the last line and then conclude. Also keep in mind that lines 1 & 2 will be the closure at the end of the poem. So if you give a lot of thought to the beginning here, you fill find the ending of the poem easier as well.
2. Take lines 2 & 4 of the first stanza and make them lines 1 and 3 in the next stanza. Then complete the second stanza, by inserting the missing lines that connect 1 & 3 in the lines 2 & 4 positions. Figure on 5-6 stanzas within the poem 20-24 lines or less if you want to. But it is more difficult to write a short pantoum.
3. Repeat the pattern for each stanza always taking lines 2 & 4 and moving them to lines 1 & 3 in the next stanza. So you would be moving lines 2 and 4 of the 2nd stanza to lines 1 & 3 in the third stanza, and so on and so forth. Do this until you reach the last stanza of the pantoum.
4. In the final stanza remember you will be using lines 1 & 3 as lines 2 & 4 in the closure of the poem. You use those two lines that haven't been repeated yet in the closure of the poem. That’s lines 1 and 3 of the first stanza to close the poem. Now There is an option in the closing of the poem; you can make line 3 the 2nd line of the final stanza, and make line 1 the 4th line of the stanza in the last quatrain of poem if you want. So either way is acceptable for the final stanza in the form. This final step brings the poem full circle.
Keep regular syllabic count per line - 8 or 10 suggested
I chose 10 syllables per line.
http://www.originalpoetry.com/this-little-girl
This Little Girl
She was a bright child with a quick mind
Filled with curiosity, she never
Left a question unasked, a rock unturned.
Her spirit was haloed with moondust stars.
Filled with curiosity, she never
Thought to slow down her endless desires.
Her spirit was haloed with moondust stars.
Sweet, engaging, she made friends easily.
Thought to slow down her endless desires,
Her parents forbid her to go to school.
Sweet, engaging, she made friends easily
Of maids, gardeners, shopkeepers and more.
Her parents forbid her to go to school
So she often times sat upon the knee
Of maids, gardeners, shopkeepers and more.
This little angel learned life from the living.
So she often times sat upon the knee
Of one particular favorite old man.
This little angel learned life from the living
Never knowing she was a good teacher!
Of one particular favorite old man
She knew a secret that she longed to tell.
Never knowing she was a good teacher
She gently whispered into his old ear -
"I know a secret that I long to tell!"
He bent closer still, anxiously waiting.
She gently whispered into his old ear:
"You are my own grandpa! I love you so!"
The gentle grandpa gave her a small squeeze.
She was a bright child with a quick mind.
Sweet kiss on his cheek; He's glad she never
Left a question unasked, a rock unturned.
I immediately fell in love with this little girl whose "spirit was haloed with moondust stars." Such a beautiful line, kah! It is a lovely poem and a beautiful story that makes it difficult to critique...ugh. This is rather like dissecting, a task I hated in biology class. The Pantoum form is great and you followed it to a T, good work! I believe your syllable count is off in several lines, however. According to my fingers, L1 is 9 syllables, L18 is 11, so of course every time the line is repeated the count is off. I hate counting syllables but it is part of the assignment. Please note on my pantoum, I also disregarded the syllable count so this is really making me feel ridiculous. Other than counting syllables, I would use another word rather than "gentle" to describe grandpa as you already used "gently" whispered. Great story in pantoum form which according to the teacher of our class, doesn't usually work for pantoum....you made it work so WELL DONE
Critique of Kah’s Assignment #8 – Hollander Sonnet - On Love and Other Variables
I love the theme and the vivid-reality of this poem. Ah, Kah, my friend...why does the assignment have to say 13 syllables to each line? I don’t know why it’s important but to the Hollander sonnet it is. 13 lines, 13 syllables per line.... several in this piece are off. L1 12, L2 15, L4 12, L7 12, L11 12, L12 12 and L13 15. but who’s counting? damn, I hate critiquing cause I really love this poem.
Critique of Kah’s #9 – Blank Verse – The Dance of Love’s Most Perfect Blade
Congratulations, Kah, on completing the assignment so successfully. We are learning a lot and I compliment you on your hard-work. You wrote 18 lines of lovely poetry. There seems to be a problem with accents in L5. I think it starts off trochaic. I'm a student, too, not an expert, but it seems the stress mark falls on "DIG in! DElight...." My only other suggestions would be to not repeat the word " this" in L1 and L3...perhaps L1 might read "you take your blade"...just to shake it up a little in intensity. To follow through on the "blade in the breast"...I think I would change the lips on the chin to lips on the breast (or chest) and "heart beats so loud" ...if you've been stabbed your heart beat might be slowing or faint....you've got a a really dark well-written poem here! Great work
Last edited by Aria 05-15-2010 at 01:21:00 PM
|
