I FEEL SOMEWHAT BETTER TODAY, HOWEVER BATTLING BONE CANCER AND ENDURING ENDLESS ROUNDS OF CHEMOTHERAPY, WAITING FOR A BONE MARROW TRANSPLANT, SOMETIMES LEAVES ME LISTLESS AND OF A HEAVY HEART.

I LOVE LIFE FOR THE MOST PART, AND HAVE A POSSITIVE ATTITUDE. EVEN MY FRAGILE BACK AND LEGS I MOVE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

PEOPLE ASK ME HOW I CAN BE SO BRAVE KNOWING THAT DEATH IS ENEVITABLE, I MAY SHOW OTHERS THAT SIDE OF ME, BUT ON THE INSIDE I AM OFTEN NUMB AND AT A LOSS AS TO HOW I REALLY SHOULD FEEL EMOTIONALLY.

I HAVE OFTEN BEEN TORN BETWEEN CONTINUING CHEMOTHERAPY ..ALWAYS SUFFERING, OR GIVING UP THE TREATMENTS SO AS NOT TO SUFFER ANYMORE. IT SEEMS THE CURE IS WORSE THAN THE DISEASE.

THE CHEMOTHERAPY HAS STOPPED WORKING, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN MY DEFENSES AND RESISTANCE I LONGER HAVE. THE DISEASE HAS TAKEN OVER.  I TRY TO THINK OF WAYS TO OVERCOME MY ILLNESS...

I WOULD LIKE TO THINK I PRAY FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS EVEN WHEN THEY SEEM SO SELFISH AT THE TIME.  I ASSOCIATE MYSELF WITH PEOPLE WHOM LAUGH AND CRY WITH ME, BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY I LIVE LIFE AS IF IT IS MY LAST DAY HERE ON THIS EARTH.

I CAN'T AFFORD TO GIVE UP NOW, I HAVE COME TO FAR FOR ME TO BACK DOWN FROM THE DEVIL'S WORK.  OFTEN WHEN IT BECOMES TOO MUCH TO BEAR, I TREDGE TOWARDS MY COMPUTER AND WORK MY WAY THROUGH THE PAIN, WITH STORIES AND POEMS, I FURIOUSLY TYPE AWAY MY TEARS AND FEARS UNTIL I AM SPENT.

I LIE AWAKE MANY NIGHTS WONDERING IF THIS ONE WILL BE MY LAST ONE, WILL I AWAKE IN THE MORN? I THINK OF MY FINAL DAYS.. HAVE I DONE ALL THAT I CAN DO? HAVE I SAID ALL I CAN SAY? DID I FIGHT WITH ALL MY MIGHT?

DRIFTING OFF TO SLEEP THE NIGHTMARES COME, WILL I GO TO HEAVEN? WILL GOD BRING ME HOME TO HIS KINGDOM IN THE SKY? OR HAVE I BEEN SO BAD THAT I WILL FALL AT THE DEVIL'S FEET BELOW?

JUST THEN I AWAKE WITH PERSPIRATION AND TREMBLING BODY, I SIT UPRIGHT STARRING AT THE CEILING IN MY SAFE WARM BEDROOM AND I REMEMBER JESUS WORDS.. HE SUFFERED AND DIED FOR OUR SINS.. SO IF HE COULD ACCEPT HIS FATE, THEN SO CAN I.

FOR NOW I WILL SURVIVE STAY STRONG AND LIVE,
TO FIGHT EACH DAY AND TO GIVE ALL THAT I CAN GIVE.