I Love You, Brian

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I Love You, Brian


I have a photo of Brian on my computer screen.
It was during his last birthday party.
He wears a parti-colored cone hat,
With big bright stars on it, as if to remind us all
There is a cosmic Power above us, great and tall.
Behind him are colorful cut-out letters stretched out to spell:
Happy Birthday!!!
And Brian smiling broadly and brightly into the camera,
With his left hand lifted to wave.
Oh, God, it breaks my heart to know,
That just four months later,
My precious friend Brian would be in his grave!
Away from me, away from all the world.
Those bright brown eyes, looking at the camera,
Did not have much more life left to see.
Sometimes when I click on my computer,
And I see that image, I say:
"Happy Birthday, Brian!"
I have decided to make every day Brian's birthday.
The way, when he was alive, I always celebrated with him,
A full birthday month, every day following his birthday
Being celebrated as another birthday, in his birthday month.
I wanted him to feel how worthwhile he was, you see,
To help him keep away from depression and despondency,
Which sometimes got him even when his life was relatively going well.
Sometimes I speak to Brian's smiling beaming face:
"I love you, Brian.  I miss you, my precious friend."
But I don't need to see his picture for that.
I recall how Brian often used to say to me--
Looking at me sidelong, with an expression of happiness,
Sitting in his chair right next to me: "I love you, you know."
Yes, Brian, I know.  I knew.  And I know.
And I still say frequently to you: "I love you, Brian."
Now I often say it to you the way you used to say it to me:
"Hey, Brian--I love you, you know."  He knew.
I hope he also--somewhere, somehow--still knows.
Or that in good time he will come to good new life, and know again.
I hope and pray that Brian has not truly lost his last living day.
Our relationship was complex in character, but simple in love.
We started out as brothers of the soul; so many good times!
We liked and enjoyed so many of the same things in life.
Where we differed, we learned from each other new things.
Then, when Brian had his break-down, I gave him great compassion,
And he in his innocent loving heart, gave me great loving gratitude.
I took care of him after that, doing for him the things he could not.
For Brian, I could do anything--stand up to anyone--I could be strong.
I shouldered many of his burdens for him.  He told me more than once:
"I used to feel so hopeless and so lost, Michael.  Until you came along."
When I was filling out his income tax for him, or writing papers
To help him mend his troubles at work; or taking care of the bills,
Or cooking or preparing our meals, when we decided to eat at home,
He would thank me for doing those things and other things for him.
Often, just out of the blue, he would look at me and say:
"I'm so glad I met you, Michael."  I always replied:
"I'm glad I met you too, Brian."  Then, when he finally lost his job,
I paid for everything for the both of us, and I took care of my friend
For the rest of his life.  I sadly wish his short life could have been long.
Very often, he would say: "Michael.  Are you still glad you met me?"
"Yes, Brian, I'm very glad I met you," I would say.
After he became ill, he sometimes would say:
"Am I burden to you, Michael?  Do you still not mind taking care of me?"
I would say, "No, Brian.  You are my treasured friend.
You are a blessing in my life, not a burden."  He truly was a blessing;
His kind heart, so childlike and innocent, was so open to the joy of life;
When he was happy, his smile or his laughter blessed me with their joy.
He only wanted to fit in, accepted and appreciated.  He had knowledge,
And abilities; just some things he couldn't do--but he helped me, too.
Sometimes he would say: "Do you still enjoy my company?"
I would reply, "Yes, Brian, I enjoy your company--more than anyone's."
Sometimes he even said: "Do you mind me asking you these things?"
"No, Brian.  You ask whatever you want, whenever you feel like it."
He would say, "Good.  I just need to hear it again, sometimes."
Brian was happy, most of the time; everything about him told me so.
And now, his diary, which I found, also tells me so.  He loved me,
As a brother of his soul, and as someone often in a sort of fatherly role.
I loved him, as a brother of my soul; and as someone whose depression
And pain and insecurities and feelings of not belonging, I understood;
For I had suffered such things in my teens, and I knew Brian was good.
Well, my friend Brian--we were so close and caring of each other,
That some people sometimes thought we might be gay.
But we weren't gay.  Not at all.
We just knew each other's hearts very well,
And we loved each other, and had learned over time
How much we had in common, past and present;
And we hoped to share our future time.
All the time that Brian had left was shared with me.
Now, I share my time with him, in loving memory.
Brian--my oncologist told me yesterday--after two doctors had hinted--
My oncologist told me explicitly.  I told my oncologist about my visit
With the other two doctors.  I said: "I had a bad feeling--
I felt almost that they were handing down a death sentence to me."
My oncologist moved his hand above a sheaf of papers on his desk,
And tapped it with his forefinger; he said, "This is it."
I replied, "What?"
He picked up the sheaf of papers and handed them to me:
"This is your death sentence," he said.  I looked at the papers;
This was the report from my last scan.
What a way to tell me I soon would not be a living man.
"This is your death sentence."  My death sentence has been given to me.
So, Brian, my friend--I will be leaving life soon, becoming one of the dead.
Just one of the dead.  Like the ER doctor did to you,
My cancer will do to me.  I hope desperately, and pray fervently,
That you somehow still live, or will live again, my precious friend.
Maybe, if God's grace is great enough, and His love large enough, for me,
I may live also, after cancer snuffs out the candle of my dreams.
I hope and pray that we may embrace as brothers of the soul, again,
My friend, my very best friend of all my life, Brian.
I miss you so very badly, so very sadly, my friend.
I love you, you know.
I love you, Brian.


==============================
Written by Michael LP, aka MLP
aka PoetWithCancer, aka PWC, aka (thanks to Luna Marie) Mr. Poet
Written on Friday, May 6, 2011  6:55 pm PDT
93 degrees F.  Humidity: 6%  Forecast: fair
Copyright (C) 2011 by Michael LP.  All rights reserved
(I still copyright my writings, for my estate)

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A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness. It finds the thought and the thought finds the words.

Robert Frost (1875-1963) American Poet.

PoetWithCancer’s Poems (224)

Title Comments
Title Comments
Happy Winter Solstice 1
Seasonal Ring 1
My Thanksgiving 0
God's Word 1
Under the Date Tree 1
A Few More Times 1
Divine and Diabolical World 0
Summer-Brief 2
Seasonal Ring 0
Shakespeare's Birthday and Death 0
Special Brian 0
I Remember Brian 0
Light of Life 0
Pain Has Defeated Me Today 1
The Old, Old Words 0
Home Is Where the Heart Is 0
A Sad Contemplative Christmas Today 0
Moments of Memory; In Memory of Moments 0
Sun and Rain, Joy and Pain: I Miss My Friend Brian 0
Dehumanized and Clinicized--N
OT
1
Not Full 0
Love, Loss, and Lennon 0
Dying Dream 0
Brian's Pure Love for His Lady 0
Two Loved Ladies Undergoing Surgery Now 0
The Masks Fall Off at Midnight 1
Prime of Life 1
Low Energy and Less Time: And Too Many Things to Do 1
Happy Veterans Day, Brian 0
Happy Veterans Day, Brian 0
Thanksgiving 0
Autumn of Year; Autumn of Life 0
Brian's Birthday and New Year's Eve 0
Under a Constant Star (9/11) 0
Deep Time 0
Is There Anything Out There 2
Classics in the Closet 0
Nobody 0
Feeling the Wind 0
The Wild Doe and the Hunter 0
Happy Birthday, Brian 0
The End of the World: Saturday, May 21, 2011, 6 pm PDT 1
Brian's Special Smile 0
Broken Birth 0
Missing Brian 0
Focus: Today, Happy 0
I Love You, Brian 0
The Ways and the Words of You 1
Stone Cry 0
Amore Immortale 0
Reality and Unreality 1
Lyrical Life 1
Easter 0
Shakespeare's Birthday 0
Friends During Need 1
Death--A Play--or the Final Act 0
Moods 0
I Was Worried About You 0
Song of Life 2
Me 1
Oh Mother of My Life, My Mind, My Heart--Happy Birthday (Sunday, April 3, 2011) 0
Your Money or Your Life 1
Poesis 0
A Last Look at the Moon 0
Tears for Brian: My Tears Spring Suddenly 0
Seventeen in the Past 1
Clusters 1
Suffering and Dying Where Love Is Least 1
Looking at People in a Restaurant, Talking to Brian 1
Brian Cannot Come Back to Me 3
Seven for Heaven: Human Haiku/Senryu, On Two Straight Guys Who Loved Each Other 3
Five Human Haiku (Senryu): Faithful to the Perfect Form 0
The Scream 3
Life Is 8
Following My Friend 3
Small Moments (Written by Patricia, for Brian) 1
For Precious Michael (Written by Patricia, for me) 4
Dream of Life, Dream of Friendship, Dream of Love 4
The Power to Create 4
A Single Fortune Cookie 6
The Meaning of Life 2
Dreamless 3
Prayers 3
Lost Love 2
I Thank My Mother for My Birthday and for Her Wonderful Mother Love 3
Lennon Lost His Life: And Now, So Has Teena Marie 2
All the Way with Part Way 2
Loving, Living, and Dying 6
Dreaming and Seeming 3
Poem Prayer 2
Science, Poetry, Philosophy, and More 2
Super A, Abuelita1--Th
ank You for Your Support, Caring Love, and Understanding
2
Wonderful Connie 1
Someday-Dying 2
Between Yes and No 3
Love of Life 1
Zappa the Magnificent 1
In the Midst of Life 2
Only One Death 1
Real Illusion 1
The Unknown 1
My Apparently Known Possible Fates in This World 1
No More Me 2
Someone 2
Leaving Life 1
Precious Jade 2
Fear and Grief and Going: Unguilty of the Grave 1
Using and Losing Time 1
Loveless Life 2
Good Life, Good Grief 1
Dreamless 1
Ontology versus Oncology 1
Now Time 2
No Present, No Future: All Past 3
Hippocratic Hell 1
First Light 2
Almost At the Limit [--A Sonnet] 1
Death-Trap 0
Broken 1
Birthday Termination 1
Moments 1
First and Last Cry 1
Love 2
Final Fragility 1
End of the World 1
Tripping 1
Seasonal Ring 1
Gifts that Go and Still Stay 1
Sidney Says: Advice to Poets and All Writers 3
Enthusiasm: God Within 3
Send Me Your Good Will, or Pray For Me--Please 1
Feeling Each Other's Pain 1
Snow Man for a Low Man 0
Explanation of My Poem "As If the Last" 2
New Year, No Love 2
Poetic Form 0
Guilty Pleasures: Not Guilty 2
About Me 1
Live, Laugh, and Love 4
Nothing Special 2
Why a Writer Writes 2
To Sarah Y and Her Beloved Little Boy Who Cries Out: Again! 1
I and You: Unique and the Same 1
Where's the Compasssion in Our Health Care System? 0
Lonely Girl, I'm Feeling the Way You're Feeling: But We Can Both Make It Through 3
Health-Care Reform and Hell on Earth 3
Psyche 3
My Bucket List (For Now) 4
My Most SCARED Moments 2
Children of the Stars 2
Passing Life's Test 1
Why More Now? 1
Remembering My Grandma on Thanksgiving Eve 3
Another Thursday, Another Hammer 4
Thursday's Hammer 1
New Birthday 2
Let Love of Life Light Up the Psyche of Fawn 1
To Angel Eyes: The Wonders of Your Life 1
Regarding the Lack of Fall in Texas 2
Light for the Fight 2
All That I Have 3
Shine 2
As If the Last 2
Here Now 1
All in Time 2
The Exile 2
Incurable and Terminal 4
Tripping 2
One More Tomorrow 1
My Dash 4
One of Two Is Stronger 1
No More Romeo; No More Juliet 1
Friendship and Life 1
Snow and Life 3
Live Spelled Backwards 1
Sarah Y 2
To Fly 2
My Cry 1
Moment of Madness 2
Fall From a Great Height 1
A Memory 1
Less Life; No Loving 2
A Loser, True 2
Time Stop 1
Final Sleep 1
Entre Enfer 1
Flying Life 1
One Would Have Been Enough to Make Life Worth Living 5
Once 3
The Haiku Form 2
Bridge to a Comet--Your Visits and Comments to Me 4
Get Well Soon, Luna Marie 2
Winging It (a human haiku, or senryu) 3
Light Locomotive 2
Skite, Where Were You Today? Where Are You Tonight? 2
Angel's Wings, Angel's Voice 4
Shy, but Not Too Shy 2
High Coo 4
From Night to Night 3
Life's Journey's End--Cut Short by Cancer 4
Love, Light, Life, and Night 2
Fear and Courage 1
Death in Life 3
Unknown Final Fate 3
To Right a Poem 4
Crab-Like Concealed 4
Soon 2
All in the Mind 3
Ebony Shine 3
On My Nephew Naming His First-Born Son After Me 5
Love, Loss, and Lennon 3
Eqinox 4
Feeling My Heart 5
The Best Person I Ever Knew: My Best Friend--Brian 2
In Memoriam, George Difficult 3
Lovers 7
Art 5
Things to Do 4
Plane on Fire 3
Ameliorator 5
Thanksgiving 7
Worlds of Light 24
Failure's Fortress 13
Song of Life (Original Version) 13