How do you have an orgasm every time?

Drink Corona then swallow the lime

But offer your lover more than a dime

Or you’ll never get any sexual satisfaction;

In the name of the father, the son and the holy ghost,

Have you ever tried strawberry jelly on buttered toast?

They’re teaching me how to dig a hole for a fence post

So I can afford my moms operation and take her out of traction;

I’m looking for an answer but the wisemen are all gone,

I know what’s right but I could be wrong,

If I knew how to inhale I would smoke a bong

And share it with a woman who’s a lover, a mother and a fighter;

I grow older and start to lose my health,

The air outside makes me want to hold my breath,

A woman once said that life isn’t any better than death

As she handed me a cigarette so she could smoke her lighter;

Body odor is the essence of man

Who forgot how to bring home the bacon and the pan,

I’m speaking a foreign language in my homeland

While hoping to start another grunge rock band;

How should we control human overpopulation?

Neuter human beings with a spoon across every nation

Because the other animals need emancipation

From human stupidity that is killing us all;

Every other person I see is shaving off their hair,

Jekyll and Hyde are sitting naked playing truth or dare,

I use cheap suntan lotion under the suns glare

And cover all of my body except for my balls;

The world of cartoons is being threatened with genocide,

The world of humans are tanning their own hides,

Cain and Abel smoked pot and got very pie eyed

Under the direction of both Adam and Eve;

A stick figure drawing depicts the glory and agony of Christ,

A true murder victim is one that’s sliced and diced,

College education is too condescending and high priced

And the “real world” offers no proof to make me believe;

My conscience confuses me on what I need to do,

I see an aging lady who was once beautiful but now has hair of blue,

You can tell me how to change but I know it wouldn’t be true,

Everyday I learn something but I know it’s not new;

I desire riches but wonder what’s lurking in the lap of luxury,

I guess if I think of myself I should expect to be lonely,

I see a great black cloud coming but don’t turn to flee,

I wonder if I should be the next antichrist out of turn;

Mary the whore looks over at the great Buffalo Bill

And says, “Give me some money and I’ll give you a thrill

But we need to do it on the other side of the hill

Or they’ll put us on a fiery stake to burn.”

I wish I could write my muse a poem of true love

And send her thoughts sailing in the clouds above

But all I have left is a smelly, grease-stained glove

That’s only good for working on the engine of a car;

Casanova wants a woman to love him like a hurricane

But all he can find are women that cause him pain,

Bonnie and Clyde are now making love in the rain

And an honest lawyer says the moon is only a retired shooting star;

My brother is under the surveillance of the IRS,

I have a sister in jail who won’t confess,

We keep inventing more and thinking less

But that’s the price we pay in the name of progress.