Moods

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Moods


Sometimes I wake up and I sing; and then I say:
"This is the day the Lord has made." 
And I rejoice in it, and I am glad.
Other times I wake up and I weep.  Then I say:
"There are too many terrible things in the world.
Too many things that can't be explained away."
Then I am full of doubt and fear,
And I feel abandoned and profoundly sad.
Sometimes I look at grass and leaves and all green life;
Then I see God's gift of light as the foundation of my life:
Sun-soaking factories that transform solar energy into me.
But then I see the sundew offering sweet nectar,
To lure insects to a stinging death; and the Venus fly-trap,
Closing death around its victims like a green iron maiden.
Should I not care for what insects may suffer and feel as they die?
Shakespeare surmised: "The lowly beetle that we trod upon,
In its death, feels a pang as great as a giant's."
Everywhere in nature, I look and see
Living things that want to live, and have to flee
Other living things that want to kill them.
I have to wonder why
This predator-and-prey pursuit, capture, and killing,
Happens under heaven's watchful eye.
I find it bone-chilling. 
Yes, the miracle of a new-born baby's cry
Makes me know why I can never disbelieve.
Yet, when I see a new-born baby die--
Inexplicably--
As happened to poor little Philip, two of my friends' new baby son--
They called him "our little porpoise" because of the sounds he gurgled--
My heart cannot look away, and simply say: "Thy will be done."
My moods swing, and my perspectives vary.
And, for me, the bitterest of all,
Is that now I have to recall
The slow torturous death that my precious best friend Brian suffered;
The deadly ascites fluid build-up, so painful, negligently left undrained;
The last six days of his life, hungry and thirsty, forbidden to eat or drink;
Then, when his blood pressure fell,
How they pumped him suddenly too full of chemical, and raised
His blood pressure over 200--
When they saw me writing down the climbing figures,
They shut the monitor off--
I saw blood pour out of his ears and stream from his nose.
The most trust-worthy, steadfast, faithful, truest friend,
The most life-joyful, life-loving, and most grateful spirit,
The most gentle, child-like innocent, open-hearted, trusting, good-willed,
Kind, caring, loving, compassionate, tender, sensitive soul,
That I was ever privileged to meet and know.
The doctor made him, not their free patient, but their forced prisoner--
 Refusing requests to transfer him to the VA--for twelve days of hell.
He robbed Brian of however much future he had left to live and enjoy.
He stole Brian's proper ending, the caring, love-surrounded hospice
That I had set up for him in advance, to prevent pain and to comfort fear.
My precious friend, who had so much faith in God,
And who loved the Lord,
Died so brutally, so horribly, so painfully, so fearfully--
The worst of his times; and my life's most terrible, horrible time--
For I was there--and I had to see it all.
They acted on orders; one man bears gross guilt of this inhumane crime.
My mood sinks deeper than despair, when all of that nightmare I recall.
But then, I remember my friend always praying, before every meal:
"Thank You, Lord, for this food. 
Thank You for providing the money for it.
And thank You for my friendship with Michael."
So now I pray the same,
Only I change to Brian the thanked-for name.
I lean on Brian's faith now,
Hoping and praying there is an answer
Why the blessing of life should ever have to suffer the curse of cancer.
And why my dearest, Lord-loving, God-faithful, believing, trusting friend,
Was allowed to suffer so much, and come to such a terrible end.
But still I hope, and I pray every day,
Because Brian's faith and love still light my way.

==============================
Written by Michael LP, aka MLP
Written on Tuesday, April 19, 2011  3:02 pm PDT
79 degrees F.  Humidity: 19%  Forecast: overcast
Copyright (C) 2011 by Michael LP.  All rights reserved.

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A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness. It finds the thought and the thought finds the words.

Robert Frost (1875-1963) American Poet.

PoetWithCancer’s Poems (224)

Title Comments
Title Comments
Happy Winter Solstice 1
Seasonal Ring 1
My Thanksgiving 0
God's Word 1
Under the Date Tree 1
A Few More Times 1
Divine and Diabolical World 0
Summer-Brief 2
Seasonal Ring 0
Shakespeare's Birthday and Death 0
Special Brian 0
I Remember Brian 0
Light of Life 0
Pain Has Defeated Me Today 1
The Old, Old Words 0
Home Is Where the Heart Is 0
A Sad Contemplative Christmas Today 0
Moments of Memory; In Memory of Moments 0
Sun and Rain, Joy and Pain: I Miss My Friend Brian 0
Dehumanized and Clinicized--N
OT
1
Not Full 0
Love, Loss, and Lennon 0
Dying Dream 0
Brian's Pure Love for His Lady 0
Two Loved Ladies Undergoing Surgery Now 0
The Masks Fall Off at Midnight 1
Prime of Life 1
Low Energy and Less Time: And Too Many Things to Do 1
Happy Veterans Day, Brian 0
Happy Veterans Day, Brian 0
Thanksgiving 0
Autumn of Year; Autumn of Life 0
Brian's Birthday and New Year's Eve 0
Under a Constant Star (9/11) 0
Deep Time 0
Is There Anything Out There 2
Classics in the Closet 0
Nobody 0
Feeling the Wind 0
The Wild Doe and the Hunter 0
Happy Birthday, Brian 0
The End of the World: Saturday, May 21, 2011, 6 pm PDT 1
Brian's Special Smile 0
Broken Birth 0
Missing Brian 0
Focus: Today, Happy 0
I Love You, Brian 0
The Ways and the Words of You 1
Stone Cry 0
Amore Immortale 0
Reality and Unreality 1
Lyrical Life 1
Easter 0
Shakespeare's Birthday 0
Friends During Need 1
Death--A Play--or the Final Act 0
Moods 0
I Was Worried About You 0
Song of Life 2
Me 1
Oh Mother of My Life, My Mind, My Heart--Happy Birthday (Sunday, April 3, 2011) 0
Your Money or Your Life 1
Poesis 0
A Last Look at the Moon 0
Tears for Brian: My Tears Spring Suddenly 0
Seventeen in the Past 1
Clusters 1
Suffering and Dying Where Love Is Least 1
Looking at People in a Restaurant, Talking to Brian 1
Brian Cannot Come Back to Me 3
Seven for Heaven: Human Haiku/Senryu, On Two Straight Guys Who Loved Each Other 3
Five Human Haiku (Senryu): Faithful to the Perfect Form 0
The Scream 3
Life Is 8
Following My Friend 3
Small Moments (Written by Patricia, for Brian) 1
For Precious Michael (Written by Patricia, for me) 4
Dream of Life, Dream of Friendship, Dream of Love 4
The Power to Create 4
A Single Fortune Cookie 6
The Meaning of Life 2
Dreamless 3
Prayers 3
Lost Love 2
I Thank My Mother for My Birthday and for Her Wonderful Mother Love 3
Lennon Lost His Life: And Now, So Has Teena Marie 2
All the Way with Part Way 2
Loving, Living, and Dying 6
Dreaming and Seeming 3
Poem Prayer 2
Science, Poetry, Philosophy, and More 2
Super A, Abuelita1--Th
ank You for Your Support, Caring Love, and Understanding
2
Wonderful Connie 1
Someday-Dying 2
Between Yes and No 3
Love of Life 1
Zappa the Magnificent 1
In the Midst of Life 2
Only One Death 1
Real Illusion 1
The Unknown 1
My Apparently Known Possible Fates in This World 1
No More Me 2
Someone 2
Leaving Life 1
Precious Jade 2
Fear and Grief and Going: Unguilty of the Grave 1
Using and Losing Time 1
Loveless Life 2
Good Life, Good Grief 1
Dreamless 1
Ontology versus Oncology 1
Now Time 2
No Present, No Future: All Past 3
Hippocratic Hell 1
First Light 2
Almost At the Limit [--A Sonnet] 1
Death-Trap 0
Broken 1
Birthday Termination 1
Moments 1
First and Last Cry 1
Love 2
Final Fragility 1
End of the World 1
Tripping 1
Seasonal Ring 1
Gifts that Go and Still Stay 1
Sidney Says: Advice to Poets and All Writers 3
Enthusiasm: God Within 3
Send Me Your Good Will, or Pray For Me--Please 1
Feeling Each Other's Pain 1
Snow Man for a Low Man 0
Explanation of My Poem "As If the Last" 2
New Year, No Love 2
Poetic Form 0
Guilty Pleasures: Not Guilty 2
About Me 1
Live, Laugh, and Love 4
Nothing Special 2
Why a Writer Writes 2
To Sarah Y and Her Beloved Little Boy Who Cries Out: Again! 1
I and You: Unique and the Same 1
Where's the Compasssion in Our Health Care System? 0
Lonely Girl, I'm Feeling the Way You're Feeling: But We Can Both Make It Through 3
Health-Care Reform and Hell on Earth 3
Psyche 3
My Bucket List (For Now) 4
My Most SCARED Moments 2
Children of the Stars 2
Passing Life's Test 1
Why More Now? 1
Remembering My Grandma on Thanksgiving Eve 3
Another Thursday, Another Hammer 4
Thursday's Hammer 1
New Birthday 2
Let Love of Life Light Up the Psyche of Fawn 1
To Angel Eyes: The Wonders of Your Life 1
Regarding the Lack of Fall in Texas 2
Light for the Fight 2
All That I Have 3
Shine 2
As If the Last 2
Here Now 1
All in Time 2
The Exile 2
Incurable and Terminal 4
Tripping 2
One More Tomorrow 1
My Dash 4
One of Two Is Stronger 1
No More Romeo; No More Juliet 1
Friendship and Life 1
Snow and Life 3
Live Spelled Backwards 1
Sarah Y 2
To Fly 2
My Cry 1
Moment of Madness 2
Fall From a Great Height 1
A Memory 1
Less Life; No Loving 2
A Loser, True 2
Time Stop 1
Final Sleep 1
Entre Enfer 1
Flying Life 1
One Would Have Been Enough to Make Life Worth Living 5
Once 3
The Haiku Form 2
Bridge to a Comet--Your Visits and Comments to Me 4
Get Well Soon, Luna Marie 2
Winging It (a human haiku, or senryu) 3
Light Locomotive 2
Skite, Where Were You Today? Where Are You Tonight? 2
Angel's Wings, Angel's Voice 4
Shy, but Not Too Shy 2
High Coo 4
From Night to Night 3
Life's Journey's End--Cut Short by Cancer 4
Love, Light, Life, and Night 2
Fear and Courage 1
Death in Life 3
Unknown Final Fate 3
To Right a Poem 4
Crab-Like Concealed 4
Soon 2
All in the Mind 3
Ebony Shine 3
On My Nephew Naming His First-Born Son After Me 5
Love, Loss, and Lennon 3
Eqinox 4
Feeling My Heart 5
The Best Person I Ever Knew: My Best Friend--Brian 2
In Memoriam, George Difficult 3
Lovers 7
Art 5
Things to Do 4
Plane on Fire 3
Ameliorator 5
Thanksgiving 7
Worlds of Light 24
Failure's Fortress 13
Song of Life (Original Version) 13