Tumbling,stumbling being higher than the sky . Not knowing how to fly. Wondering why. Just don't know how I feel. Confused at any rate. But the rest of my life makes to much sense to me. Tumbling apart stumbling again, wondering how I am to be myself again. Hiding from him the pain that I feel, not knowing how to show it to him without fearing his rejection. Most of the time I don't feel it when I'm with him, but I did the other night while he slept next to me, not wanting to wake him I dealt with it on my own

I'm not a person who shows pain to others,learned growing up it got u into trouble, or the bullies used it against you. To unlearn it I should , but how i'm not sure.

I wonder yet how I should pursed toward my future. I mean I have a man, but I don't know what that means exactly; I'm not used to having a man that doesn't run tail, and disappear. So this is kinda different for me. Some how I need to know that I'm worth it , that there's gonna be a moment when hes scared or hes mad at me but he stays with me anyway. Cause I guess I don't feel like I matter , like I make a difference to most at least. 

Most treat me like a throw away or someone they can use as a toy to play with til they get bored and then toss away like trash. Or something they can leave behind when it gets to hard for them to play there game again. I'm not a toy or saucer they can eat from or treat like trash , I'm person that makes a difference this I know but I don't feel like they think so. 

Some even think that I'm a punching bag to let unto there troubles , or there pain with a fist they think that they have much to gain from a bruise on my tattered world, for me to hide away inside , this I'm not , I'm not a living canvas for them to abuse, or a paper for them to crumble and break in two. Or a submissive that does whatever they tell me to, I am my own to me and me alone. I chose my path and my course without them I chose my journey is my own and my war mine alone, for they cant break me and seep into me what they wish I will not take for I'm not there's to break. 

They try to take from me whats not theres , but I wont let them, I may not be brave but I am me and mine alone, my innocence may be gone but not my destiny my intergity, not my self pravision, not my own disicion. I am here to stay that I chose , thats whats mine for all time. I may not be brave when it comes to some of my pain, but I am me and I alone I decide what I shall be.