Next Best Thing

Hey it's me again, you know, that comfortable face
See, I gott'a new product, see? It's all the rage!
It's the fastest, most reliable, newest best thing!
And it comes with a limited official price guarantee!
Now, I know, you wonder what that is, you're smart, your cool, I like that,
But if I could just avert your attention, I got something more important!
It's the Next Best Thing, and contrary to what you're thinkin'
It does EveryThing, And I'll give it some time ta' sink in.
That's enough time, now move on, see it slices, dices, price is compact,
Pick any verb you like, look it up, it does that!
Don't believe me? Here's a boot, cement, a chainsaw, for Goodness Sakes!
It cuts it, beats it, breaks it, heats it, and it's Washing Machine Safe!
Here's an actual customer, pretty good lookin', too.
Sweety, the paycheck's comin' later, oh and I'm sure they look like you!
'Cause like I said, wait, what were you? Smart right? Yeah, Reeeaaal Smart!
So smart in fact you'll miss the fact you pay this thing in parts
It's only 9.95, after several hundred payments of it
But hey, it's worth the time, 'cause you won't find anything like it!
I'm a sweet-talkin', good-lookin', son of a gun,
You've thought it, buy my product, I'm not sellin' junk, I'm sellin' fun.
You're probably wondering about the validity of what I've said,
In fact, you're probably wondering what validity means,
But that's okay, it means you're smart,
It also lets our product do anything!
So, just call now, cash or check please!
Don't think, just act, and validate me!
C'mon don't make me sad or sigh
Call in the next 3 minutes, we'll send in a satelite!
A satelite that you'll buy, it causes you connection, maybe!
It depends on the customer, and it cuts through things like Gravy!
You like Satelites, right? Well, then you'll love camel hair.
Don't worry, PETA, they were dead when we got there.
We gots lots of it, blocks of it, three miles high,
That's how 'portant you are, shoot for the stars,
                             'cause babe, I like your style.
Don't think, call now, what are you waiting for,
Prices slow low, you can't afford, to not to, ignore...
So call now, don't think, that's not how this relationship works,
You want to be healthy, don't tell nobody, call us first!
The numbers at the bottom of the screen,
What we're sellin' here, it's the next best thing!