Nothing prepares you for the loss of a loved one! There is no wisdom or understanding that could help you in your state of shock. I always felt like I was so strong! Even when I cried I always felt strong because I've learned its okay to cry! I often told the people who used their pride to hide the hurt inside that "It takes a strong person to cry in front of people showing their vulnerability and a weak person to keep it inside scared of what people might think of them." Never shy away from people because who are they? Even God wept for a loved one dying. As I was saying: I was always strong. I always tried preparing myself for the worst. You never know what's going to happen. I'd learn about diseases, abuse, drugs& alcohol, criminal mentality, money, business, politics, anything to do with life and nature! Any noun you could think of. I would learn these things as they came along – not in a rush. I did this so nobody could deceive me very easily, so I would not have to depend upon anyone else's thoughts and opinions about life because surely we are all different even if we can agree to disagree. I would learn how to take care of the inside and outside of me so to stay as healthy as possible as naturally as I could. I would practice on my weakest parts just incase my stronger ones failed me. For Example: I will try to do average things with the left side of my body in case an unfortunate situation happens to my right side I would learn sign language in case I lost my voice or hearing. I would exercise all my senses in case one of them deteriorated I would already know how to substitute for it. I would keep myself physically fit as best as possible so I could recuperate faster after an accident. I would learn self-defense in case of defending myself.  I walk, jog, and run just in case I have to use it to save my life or somebody else's. I train my breath so as not to panic, also to control my body temperature. I would learn how to pray to get to know my God. I would learn about other people's gods just to be able to communicate with them or understand them or in the least respect them.  I would learn how to listen to my God. I would learn how to live like my God so as to have hope for a better future from living a better lifestyle. I learn to see this Universe for so much more than what is usually perceived. Life is so much more than questions, doubts, confusion, or contradictions, there is answers to mysteries I've found that people are still searching for. My spirituality is my power and gift to live in this life and the life after. My Spirit is my closest companion. My Spirit is what keeps me alive so I don't feel so dead before death comes to get me.

Strong in the Mind: to learn as much as I can so people cannot deceive me. To use wisdom as a tool to survive against my own and other peoples mental abuse. To teach what I know and learn what I don't.

Strong in the Body: to protect myself against harm. To recuperate from an accident quicker. To have an advantage in given situations.

Strong in the Spirit: to live for a purpose. To have meaning. To have direction. A foundation. To have Freedom. To have redemption. To have a story to tell.

But I tell you in this moment – nothing has ever prepared me for the deaths of my loved ones! My Mind became blank or confused, my Body grew weak, and my Spirit was slowly dying. Everything left me for dead but the will to survive.

How was I ever to represent the woman that I became when I so much felt like the unprotected child I used to be? Torn and confused, not accepting, but ultimately I understood everything. Everyone dies when their number is called. People tormented with their questions, angered me with their opinions, hurt me with their sympathy of having lost someone as well and still suffering.

Silent company was the best recovery, then came the silent listener to hear my plea for the ones I lost, and then came the silence. It's the cycle of the revolving door. Nobody can hear you screaming inside.

They see me laugh or smile and assume everything is alright. They see me angry or crying and wonder what's wrong. I feel crazy for being out of control and forgetful.

I lost myself when I lost the ones I loved, yet I am still alive. I see through the Grim Reapers eyes. Nothing But Death!

I try to think about the good times we had together to cover up the bad times but it only makes me cry harder, it makes me cry more. I cry about their life and their death.

I just keep crying! Then it stops! It just stops! No more crying! When it tries to come back I beg it to stay away! I beg to have just one quiet moment. With no trembling of the body, no tear-soaked skin that swells, no headache, no chest or back pain. No more pain! Even if I'm thinking about them please don't start crying again. So it stays away. I'm angry now. People defend themselves against my emotional and mental blows. I isolate!

I can't seem to deal with a normal life no matter how hard I try. Not right now anyways.

Family, friends, and strangers are being heartless because they can't seem to understand why I have so many mood-swings, or why I don't get off my pity-pot and deal with these deaths. I feel ashamed now because I can't seem to cope with anything in my life. I can handle anything but this. Everything is so overwhelming. Nothing can help me.

Not doctors, not counselors, not spiritual people, not strangers, not friends, not family, not medication, not food, not sex, not meditation, not God. Only Me! And right now I just can't do it! Every time I try to move on another memory or another dream comes. These memories & dreams are so vivid it scares me! I don't know whether to feel happy for one more time with them or feel sad because I lose them all over again.

The crying comes back to me but I'm desperate not to lose it again! This roller coaster seems never ending.

Sometimes people can see it but a lot of times they can't.

God can ease the pain if I let Him but I try to have all the control and be strong on my own. But I'll never win this battle alone, EVER!

Will you help me? All I need is for you to be there.

Give an encouraging word in paper or air, console me with a distant or sudden stare, a smile, a kiss, a caress, or what I cherish the most: Some Prayer because it seems to work the best. One day I will be able to put them to rest but until then… Pray for me because it seems to work the best!

                                                               By: Jacina Kaye Reeder

                                                                          (11~20~03)