November 5, 2010, 9:58 PM

7 Comments

  • ManOnTheMoon
  • Past the ocean, and into the clouds, we sail into the sun...

Poem Commentary

Im going to have to come back to this one after a bit, I continued to have interuptions as I was writing it. So it may change up, or it may stay the same. Depends on when I feel like changing, or even if it needs to be. I will be sure to try and place a few of my darker poems up shortly, but no rush to have them in sight, yet, ha ha.

November 5, 2010, 9:58 PM

Through the woods,
With shreded leaves,
And towering trees,
You cross a bridge.
The water below,
It shimmers and glows,
The reflection of the moon,
Casting shadows from the branches,
Like Deaths hands,
Open and waiting,
Closing around you,
The farther you go.
Deeper into the woods you go,
Creatures of the night lurking,
Waiting,
Calling,
And screaming,
Yearning for a taste.
Red glows from ravage eyes,
Follow you about,
They are not too far behind,
Your scent fills the air.
Seeking refuge in a cave,
In a mountain that blocks out the sky,
You run your hands against the walls,
Hoping to be led to safety.
Along the wall,
Slimy and smooth,
Rough and bumpy,
They change from every feel,
To every texture,
The claw marks on the walls,
Are passed with out notice,
A warning for all,
Missed again.
Creeping your way,
You stumble and faulter,
Falling and tumbling,
You fight against yourself,
Just another you in a crowd,
Self hazard and self destruction,
Every step of the way.
On the walls,
Unseen sights,
Tell the stories,
Of the others who have entered,
But never left.
Hanging bones,
And torn up bodies,
Gashing wounds,
And gaping mouths,
Screams frozen in place,
Forever in the dark,
Forever with out sound.
Slashes and bruises,
Line the bodies,
Of the fortunate,
The ones who seeked escape,
The ones who found a way out.
Beyond these for show,
There is a yard,
The overflow,
The self destroyed,
In a bone yard,
Where the bodies are forever,
Where forever are the bodies.
Past this room,
You continue on,
You count the bars,
As your fingers go over them,
One,
After another,
And another.
This jail cell holds no prisoners,
No guilt or fear,
Nor bodies to see.
Only the tales,
The untold stories,
Of those who were here before,
Scrawled on the walls,
The blood their only ink,
Before they found their escape,
Into the Bone Yard.
The floor gives way,
You fall into an abyss,
It never seems to end,
And when it does,
You lie on another,
Who was here before you,
But left when their legs did,
A gash across the neck,
Reveals it all,
If only you could see.
Crawling now,
You make your distance,
This nightmare is not ending,
But you have yet to see,
The real nightmare.
The one that will consume you whole,
Leave you feeling empty,
Leave you with out a feeling,
One that will swim in your dreams,
Pull the plug and watch them vanish,
Fill your nights with horrors and terrors,
Replace it all and take it back.
One that is hidden around you,
One that hides around you,
One that wishes to stay hidden from you.
In plain sight,
But never moving,
Always thinking,
But never talking.
It wishes not to destroy another life,
Not again,
Not after the last one.
And so it traps its self,
Behind self made walls,
And self thought chains,
Its imagination its greatest prison.
If you could only see,
What was in front of you face,
Not ten feet away,
There you would find me,
Looking back at you.

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PoetWithCancer commented on November 5, 2010, 9:58 PM

02-11-2011

First of all, the poem is good. Second, you are making mistake not to title your poems. I read this one only because John Lennon wrote a song called "The Fifth of November"--Guy Faukes Day--and so I read this poem. Titles should either relect the poem, or a the least draw the eye. You need titles. // If this were my poem, I would consider callit it "Hearts Lost in a Boneyard" or "Spirits in the Path of Predators" or something like that. It is a good poem, though a little loong (I should talk, I just wrote and posted a 9-page peom, "The Flowers that Brian Didn't See"!). I like many of the phrases, such as: "Just another you in a crowd"--a strong image of the unique person, rich in value, lost in the anonymity of so many people. // I could say much more. But I have been online for far too today. So I will say now, good poem, fellow poet. 10 from me. --Michael LP, Mr. Poet

ManOnTheMoon

07/26/2011

Eh, I do not like the usage of titles myself, but only because I do not like letting the reader in on what they are about to read, ha ha. It also allows for the reader to flow within the write, and have more freedom as to what to think, and to imagine the title in which they would have tagged it as, to give them a closer connection to the piece. It may be foolhardy, but, it does have some good intentions behind it. I thank you for your time to read and compliment, and on your thoughts, I appreciate your compliment.

irreverent commented on November 5, 2010, 9:58 PM

01-15-2011

Interesting perspective and your prose is pretty great - kept just pulling me along. 10

ManOnTheMoon

07/26/2011

Thanky thanky, its always fun to try to mix up my writing styles. I would suggest others, but I know not what you favor, but any of mine are decently selectable, ha ha. I thank you for your time to read and reply, and appreciate your compliment.

Artie commented on November 5, 2010, 9:58 PM

12-07-2010

I like this a lot!! You tell the story thru the eyes of the hunted, yet from the voice of the hunter - nice angle - 10 from me

ManOnTheMoon

07/26/2011

I always like to think of new ways to write, and to take on challenges, ha ha. I shall be sure to check more of your writings soon, as well.

shywoodrose commented on November 5, 2010, 9:58 PM

11-24-2010

wow, i don't know what to say except that i send you blessings of light, and lovely scents of flowers that comfort you and hands that hold you and make you feel as if you are in the clouds. Love, Shy.

brokenhearted11 commented on November 5, 2010, 9:58 PM

11-22-2010

honestly, i was too lazy to read ther whole thing. not taht i didnt want to... haha the beginning/middle was very good though, and i especially love the part about ignoring the claw marks. a 10 from meeee :) keep writing:)

To have great poets there must be great audiences too.

Walt Whitman, American Poet (1819-1892)

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