"As he was rolling around on the floor in agony, Winston knew that nothing in the world is worse than physical pain." --George Orwell, *1984*

When I first realized that, yes, this cancer is going to kill me,
I was so afraid.  I have had a phobia of cancer since I was little.
As if anyone needs a phobia to fear cancer!
But I fought through the fear; I said to myself, I'm still here:
And even if I have only one more month, or a week, or one day,
I'm here now, and I will live in the now, as it slips away.
Fear was  very great, but I overcame fear.
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And when my friend Brian got cancer, too,
My lifetime's very best friend, of whom I am so proud,
I lost almost all of my fear for myself; I feared for him.
It still looked like my life first would be through.
Brian had therapy to help him deal with my death, when it came.
But who can look through the fog of the future deep and dim?
Brian was killed by an ER doctor who starved him for nine days,
And kept him from water, and also deliberately allowed
His ascites fluid build-up to reach a heart-damaging phase.
Because he wrongly thought that Brian wanted hospice,
And that I was keeping him from it; but, as I told him,
Brian didn't know what hospice meant, and Brian wanted to live.
He also wrongly thought, and told nurses, that Brian was a gay brat,
So the ER doctor said, the world would be better off without.
He also wrongly thought Brian's cancer had brought him to the ER;
When really it was a bad prescription mistake in two drugs mixing:
Brian was on fluoxetine for depression; then, for bad hiccups,
He was given chlorpromazine: no drug interaction check was made.
Together they cause extreme toxicity--but not beyond fixing--
Both cardiac toxicity and neurological toxicity; that is why
Brian couldn't walk that morning, but not why he had to die:
He died because a doctor decided to kill him, and did.
When I lost my very best friend Brian, I felt the pain of flame,
And for months I suffered as I futilely called out Brian's name.
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But even then I pulled myself out.
I felt grateful for all my blessings still, in spite of any doubt.
Even then, I looked at the sunset and the sunrise,
And realized that the main miracle was in my two eyes
That could see such beauty and bounty and blessing.
All my weaknesses I began confessing,
As I faced my nearing death, my fearful demise.
Yes, I knew there would be pain.
Yes, I knew that perhaps it all has been in vain.
But I thought my love of life could be proof against pain,
As it has stayed strong and full of light despite all blight,
And the ever coming on of the final night.
No matter what would happen to me, I knew
Than within me lay the invincible summer of Camus.
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What now is my attitude?
I still see and feel the wondrous beauty that life gives.
I still love my own life, and the life of each one who lives;
And I feel toward the tall towers of time that drown me,
For my fleet times of joy and love, great gratitude.
How long I walked upon the earth, and did not grasp I trod
Upon my own destiny.
Now all my joyful memories and days are on the skid,
And I cannot escape mad misery.
But I am still grateful for the light I loved while it lasted,
And for all the love I've felt and found, and all the joys I've tasted.
I know that I did not create myself; and I know that whatever did,
Deserves thanks, and the honored name of God.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
But now I have terrible pain.
Pain that seems to stain all gain and wipe away all graces;
Pain in my back, legs, and right foot, and in unmentionable places.
Those latter are the worst, with which my tortured life is cursed.
Yes, I still find moments of joy; but the great love of life
And huge happiness of heart that once was mine to enjoy,
Which stood strong against fear and grief,
Has eroded under the waves of pain beyond belief.
The final end of all this, I cannot foresee.
But at least for right now, this moment--pain has defeated me.

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Written by Michael LP, aka PoetWithCancer
aka (thanks to Luna Marie) Mr. Poet
Written on Sunday, January 15, 2012 6:46 PM PST
60 degrees F.  Humidity: 19%  Forecast: overcast
Copyright (C) 2012 by Michael LP.  All rights reserved
(Copyrighted for my estate)