personal divine
this grief-- it is a personal thing.
most people don't GET it.
they do, most of them, sincerely wish you well
that your life recoup a measure of normalcy.
they don't want to know, how to know
that THAT is gone for good.
you will get some bit of this or that
but happiness is not there a lot of the time.
my offering is this
FEW if any LOVED as did you and your beloved
even us who just KNEW
we had this unique, individual, miraculous love
so few are gifted with, fall into, stumble upon.
how many regular people felt as we did.
GOT all the wondrous things
our beloved shared with us
saw our beloved as we saw them
knew them,these wondrous beings, as we did
loved them for those very tics that timed that universal clock
saw the same stars as we smiled in each other
sparked the same electricity arcing between us
experienced that wondrous being
no longer alone
in this world
of truly lonely people.
i will wager not even enough to count on one finger.
so how can they know our grief?
how after all that can we not have grief?
understood then that this grief now
walked hand in hand with the love joining
the hearts shared is still the heart shared.
walked hand in hand with the love joining
the hearts shared is still the heart shared.
just on two different planes;
one foot in each realm.
one foot in each realm.
is this a comfort?
Can it salve the aching heart?
not really.
such a love together feels like heaven;
inspires the poetry, songs and universals
sundered; it hurts like hell;
no. no comfort there.
no normal anymore.
it wasn't normal then either. perhaps.
there is the me that goes to work.
does the chores,
pays my dues on the altar of life
maintains the semblance of appearing to normal.
i carry within me the me
that has ceased to function
bides its time til the separation will be no more.
i breathe in the once shared air
i let the warm moisture
that i know is still there
comfort me somewhat.
yes it hurts when i do it
cause i know
for now
that is all
i can get.
Still i CAN get it!
for he still is just there.
here.
death does little to separate the truly united.
small comfort
when what you crave totally
enveloped both totally
enveloped both totally
within arms and that total being
that made all life living.
that made all life living.
that same love loving
hones this grief so horrendous
you weep bleeding tears.
each breath burns the lungs.
THat love, this love is never gone.
there are those who never had it
never knew they did have it
will never know it
will never have it to begin with.
so?
if we KNEW while we had it
that, having it,
meant this grieving is part of it,
this inhalation of razor blades
carves anew, our souls daily.
would we give up one brief second of that love?
spare our selves this agony for which no drugs palliate?
would we???????????
i would not cede one moment.
even those breaths that have me screaming
around the highway
with some song shard
that he and i shared
floating into and filleting my brain.
pain makes it hard to drive
pain makes it hard to drive
tears scald the eyes
breathing so frig-gin painful rasping
stertorous through loudspeakers
i am amazed no traffic rubberneckers
look for the source of the shrieking
amidst brakes screeching.
Yet, the living doesn't stop til it does.
Yet, the living doesn't stop til it does.
so..........
he is still with me and i take those moments.
i let him stay. the breathing levels off.
i feel the warmth i knew always.
i know will always know,
i know will always know,
help me over the spots we both know
are hard and hurt like hell.
are hard and hurt like hell.
THAT same warmth envelops me
proves more perfectly the universal divine
than all treatises even thought or penned.
will all this philosophy mean i am OK?
no
i do know i was so loved, am still,
in a world where actually few know a tenth of this love
i know i am still loved totally.
totally, i still love .
for now, it will have to do.
once and for always
it was more than anyone ever desired
it was mine, his, ours.
few ever knew
no, it is not enough.
but truly it is what it is
i breathe in those moments.
wending my way as best i can......
he still walks with me
he still breathes in me
we love still...
this love is the eternal that most seek
knowing not they yearn for.....
this love is the eternal that most seek
knowing not they yearn for.....
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