Kaleidoscope’s Profile

I have 3 sons that I love dearly; Christian 24, Michael 23, Aaron 20 years of age. I believe in the TRINITY, but not in the way most people do. I mean I do believe in the Father Son and Holy Ghost. I am more of a spiritual person looking for the unconditional loving Lord I was never told about. I was only told who was going to hell and I have to say I think the church I was raised in covered just about everyone...I have 3 sons like I said above and two of my sons are gay. They lighten up the room when they walk into it and they will use that beautiful light to brighten up the passage way so everyone can see to follow them Straight to Heaven. I love Psychology and I have read and seen ever autobiography and/or biography of all serial killers that we know of today. I have worked with people who suffer from many disorders as myself Depression, A.D.D (Attention deficit Disorder) , P.T.S.D (Post traumatic Stress Disorder), The one I despise the most "The dreaded Panic Disorder and/or panic attacks, Social Anxiety, and the list goes on. Oh I also had E.C.T (electro-convulsive therapy) tried on me for deep depression . I wouldn't suggest that for anyone unless they were in a catatonic state of mind and when you are in the deepest of depression. You can only wish to be in that catatonic state. I'm also a recovering Alcoholic who am I kidding I am an addict to anything that makes life bearable or better or can knock me out or make me feel in control again. I would eat cloth if it made me feel better. So I have to be very careful when trying new things. I have talked to many addicts in my 44 years on this earth and I can tell you this first handed. All if not; most addicts have some kind of mental disorder whether they know it or not. It is all about self -medicating and the quick fix because we have no natural high or we lack dopamine.Mixed with dysfunctions of all sorts. i have tried everything to feel alive self mutilation,bulimia,drugs, shoplifting even if i had money I tried just about everything you can think of besides killing someone, I need to change that . I am someone and I did jump off a Wausau Wisconsin bridge...I dropped for a long ways and i did drowned but here I am...It was all over the news and in the newspaper so people knew more about the situation then i did ...I remember very little I was in a complete nervous breakdown and the craziest thing yet is i fear heights and waters ..It was on 8/31/2001 and i missed months even 9/11/2001 but I wrote a poem when I was in one of my greatest depressions. where I couldn't get up to use the restroom that darn bed pan came in handy. This urgency I can remember kept coming over me to write about something. Well I couldn't even roll over on the couch I was in the pits of hell. It would not stop so I rolled stretch and grasped onto a pen and a pad of paper. I wrote for thirty seconds and was done and threw it on the floor of my living room. After being released from Winnebago. God knows why they put me in there. I felt bad enough but any who, I found it and read it about two years later. The words were shocking and many people seem to think it so fit the disaster of 9/11 and I wrote it of course a couple weeks prior but whose to say.