"I don't love you" I said
"fine," he said, "I'm actually feeling relieved"
it was a rather surprising response
from this man who had loudly proclaimed to love me
all these years.
did I believe he did love me?
sure I did, like a 14 year old believes in Santa
you wish it were true..but deep down you're too smart to believe it.
"it's your choice," he said, "you're choosing not to love me,"
but I don't think that's true
in fact, I know it's not...I am just not unkind enough
to explain, how hard I tried to force a feeling I never had
"you know I'm not going to be alone long." he said "and you're jumping ship right when everything's finally going our way."
"you can go away," he said, "maybe go fuck some guy...or guys...whatever, you're free"
"and so am I"
he says this only because he doesn't know
how I cringe inside every time he even breathes in my general direction.
he thinks he can incite a green monster that doesn't exist within my framework
while I imagine not having to endure his insipid, pathetic, passionless gestures
or feel like a fucking whore...
in my own bed
yeah, I think I can live with the consequences
"I mean, I'm a good looking guy" he says, "everyone agrees...except of course my wife"
"girls hit on me all the time, and all those little MILF's...yeah, I won't be lonely"
he says
as though I am as shallow in my perspective of him as he is in everything..but of course
this makes perfect sense
because I never existed, as an independent person
just a captive audience
for his constant braggadocio and self-affirmation
arrogance and insecurity coupled with anger and sanctimony
unbearable really
"it's not my fault," he said, "that you don't know how to forgive and forget"
"I am a different person now..that old me is gone"
I have no response
what can one say to such obvious self-deception?
and there is this too, to be considered
I really don't fucking care anymore
"you once said to me," he said, "that I never fight for you. maybe I would, if I had a woman worth fighting for...but you're not"
well, that's a relief...at least I won't be dealing
with half-hearted attempts at reconciliation
and further proclamations of love that isn't
"and what about the kids?" he says, "our poor, heartbroken children, you know this will fuck them up"
and I have to admit, I give pause to consider the ramifications of this comment
but ultimately, it will not fuck them up anymore than it will if I stay
the ghost of mommy...not quite dead but never really...alive
I think the kids will be fine, but it doesn't merit the air it would take to speak it
falling on those deaf ears
"you're not living the life God created you for," he said "this is your life, to be the mother of those children, the daughter of your parents...and MY WIFE!"
he makes this pronouncement with the absolute conviction of a pharisee
his voice rising triumphantly on the last two words
"you are NEVER going to be anything else" he says
because he will never understand
that I already am something else
I am me
but such things are not contemplated in his world
"you'll get nothing" he says "and nothing from my settlement"
as though I'd had so much all these years...as though
I am incapable of taking care of myself
or building, again, something beautiful from the ashes of myself
he doesn't know me at all
"you don't know how to live" he hisses softly, like the snake in my garden
whispering weakness
but I will not be discouraged
by the way he'd paint the world
I will live the way I want to...I will have the life I choose
and he can suck it for all I care
he never knew me at all...
and I have to laugh, as he threatens and cajoles by turn
trying out whatever tactic seems best to him at the moment
"you won't have a job anymore" he says, "it's a guy thing...my best friend won't let you work for him if you leave me"
as though I could never find another job
as though I didn't give up my seventy-thousand dollar a year, full paid benefits, retirement, stock options and vacations
so that he could "be the man"
"you're just a bitter person," he says "and you really fucking disgust me, what do you want..you need to go "find yourself"...is that it? you don't know who you are anymore?"
every word spit out in a tone of scathing condescension and loathing
"you make my skin itch...I'm so fucking disgusted by you" he says
snarly faced and ugly
and I sit there, wondering
if he will ever understand the amount of damage it took
for me to remain
undamaged
by his empty, self-serving rhetoric
droning endlessly on and on and on
he's nothing but white noise as I change the channel
and fill my mind
and my heart
and every fiber of my being with thoughts of ...you
with a mona lisa smile
because like da vinci's muse
I too have a secret
and it is mine alone....
I live, I breathe, I exist
quite happily
in the knowledge that this is bringing me one step closer
to you
it was a rather surprising response
from this man who had loudly proclaimed to love me
all these years.
did I believe he did love me?
sure I did, like a 14 year old believes in Santa
you wish it were true..but deep down you're too smart to believe it.
"it's your choice," he said, "you're choosing not to love me,"
but I don't think that's true
in fact, I know it's not...I am just not unkind enough
to explain, how hard I tried to force a feeling I never had
"you know I'm not going to be alone long." he said "and you're jumping ship right when everything's finally going our way."
"you can go away," he said, "maybe go fuck some guy...or guys...whatever, you're free"
"and so am I"
he says this only because he doesn't know
how I cringe inside every time he even breathes in my general direction.
he thinks he can incite a green monster that doesn't exist within my framework
while I imagine not having to endure his insipid, pathetic, passionless gestures
or feel like a fucking whore...
in my own bed
yeah, I think I can live with the consequences
"I mean, I'm a good looking guy" he says, "everyone agrees...except of course my wife"
"girls hit on me all the time, and all those little MILF's...yeah, I won't be lonely"
he says
as though I am as shallow in my perspective of him as he is in everything..but of course
this makes perfect sense
because I never existed, as an independent person
just a captive audience
for his constant braggadocio and self-affirmation
arrogance and insecurity coupled with anger and sanctimony
unbearable really
"it's not my fault," he said, "that you don't know how to forgive and forget"
"I am a different person now..that old me is gone"
I have no response
what can one say to such obvious self-deception?
and there is this too, to be considered
I really don't fucking care anymore
"you once said to me," he said, "that I never fight for you. maybe I would, if I had a woman worth fighting for...but you're not"
well, that's a relief...at least I won't be dealing
with half-hearted attempts at reconciliation
and further proclamations of love that isn't
"and what about the kids?" he says, "our poor, heartbroken children, you know this will fuck them up"
and I have to admit, I give pause to consider the ramifications of this comment
but ultimately, it will not fuck them up anymore than it will if I stay
the ghost of mommy...not quite dead but never really...alive
I think the kids will be fine, but it doesn't merit the air it would take to speak it
falling on those deaf ears
"you're not living the life God created you for," he said "this is your life, to be the mother of those children, the daughter of your parents...and MY WIFE!"
he makes this pronouncement with the absolute conviction of a pharisee
his voice rising triumphantly on the last two words
"you are NEVER going to be anything else" he says
because he will never understand
that I already am something else
I am me
but such things are not contemplated in his world
"you'll get nothing" he says "and nothing from my settlement"
as though I'd had so much all these years...as though
I am incapable of taking care of myself
or building, again, something beautiful from the ashes of myself
he doesn't know me at all
"you don't know how to live" he hisses softly, like the snake in my garden
whispering weakness
but I will not be discouraged
by the way he'd paint the world
I will live the way I want to...I will have the life I choose
and he can suck it for all I care
he never knew me at all...
and I have to laugh, as he threatens and cajoles by turn
trying out whatever tactic seems best to him at the moment
"you won't have a job anymore" he says, "it's a guy thing...my best friend won't let you work for him if you leave me"
as though I could never find another job
as though I didn't give up my seventy-thousand dollar a year, full paid benefits, retirement, stock options and vacations
so that he could "be the man"
"you're just a bitter person," he says "and you really fucking disgust me, what do you want..you need to go "find yourself"...is that it? you don't know who you are anymore?"
every word spit out in a tone of scathing condescension and loathing
"you make my skin itch...I'm so fucking disgusted by you" he says
snarly faced and ugly
and I sit there, wondering
if he will ever understand the amount of damage it took
for me to remain
undamaged
by his empty, self-serving rhetoric
droning endlessly on and on and on
he's nothing but white noise as I change the channel
and fill my mind
and my heart
and every fiber of my being with thoughts of ...you
with a mona lisa smile
because like da vinci's muse
I too have a secret
and it is mine alone....
I live, I breathe, I exist
quite happily
in the knowledge that this is bringing me one step closer
to you
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