Silence that grows

5 Comments

Tags:
  • Sadness
  • ,
  • Hurt
  • ,
  • Fear

    Poem Commentary

    First time mom, got wrapped up with drugs, with my ex-husband. when I realized what I was doing, thats when things started to change.... I wrote this in Aug. 1999., By July 2000 things were both better and worse. And I am proud to say I haven't touched speed since Jan. 2001...

    Silence that grows

    What have I done? I slipped so far out of reality, I could have killed everything around me. My soul inside is turning totally black. My daughter lays in her room, waiting for her mommy to come and get her. Almost as though she is an orphan in her own room. Mommy so preoccupied with everything thats going to kill them. Still yet she plays in her room, waiting for mommy, as though an orphan.
    What was I trying to accomplish by waving good bye at reality? With my own self killing acts, my little girl is an orphan in her own world.
    Where did I go wrong? I needed to get away from inside of myself. She lays in front of her door, kicking it, hoping someone on the other side will pay attention to her. A least long enough to change her diaper. Giving her just a few minutes to change her and feed her, almost like its a chore. Your greeted by a half smile, an empty bottle in her mouth and one in each hand. Was I trying to melt myself into something else or melt completely away? Still yet that helpless child continues to play in her room, waiting like an orphan. She plays quieter and is beginning to rely only on herself. Even to the point that her cry and all those tears grow silent inside herself, almost like a way of life. How could I be so selfish? To bring this helpless child into this world and teach her the wrong way from the start. And still she lays in her room silent, waiting for mommy to just open that door. Not understanding why I have done the things that I have done., but now seeing that I have done it. That little girl kicking on her door will not kick anymore in hope that someone notices her, but knowing that we love her and see her and notice her. I'm sorry baby girl,if I was trying to destroy myself, I should have made sure I was by myself and that I wasn't destroying everything around me, including you. I will work as long as it takes, to fix the damage I have done with my own actions. I am sure to make mistakes down the road, but I will never make the mistake of keeping you silent and making you wait. Please baby girl forgive me...

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    lithiumblack commented on Silence that grows

    03-26-2010

    This isn't so much a poem as it is a template for a brutal, life affirming lesson. Human beings are weak by nature. It is the strength of will and will alone which allows us to rise above our petty foolishness and open our eyes to what's important. I commend you for your victory against addiction, and I wish you and your children well. Methinks they've a mother well worth a tribute or two ;)

    ThatGurl

    03/27/2010

    Thank you, I would hope and pray that my children have all that they need and most of thier wants.. I do my very best daily, my world belongs to them... I love em so much..

    FreeBird02 commented on Silence that grows

    03-26-2010

    What an honor to see you "are destine" to a happy way of life; before you passed it by. Always respect the vision of the little ones, they have the most to lose; slow but sure you did the best you could do. Pride is in actions not intentions... good job. FreeBird 02

    ThatGurl

    03/27/2010

    Well I dont know about a "happy" way of life. But yes I do try to start in a normal way of life these days, thank you.

    FreeBird02

    03/27/2010

    What some see as happy, some do not. Take a moment and look back to when reality was not in your fortay. Now, though there is both pros and cons, which one out ways the other? Things must be nicer now or you would have never changed in any of your ways of the past. Only you can de-side when things are good or bad and if you choose to change any of them. FreeBird 02

    alb29oclfl commented on Silence that grows

    03-26-2010

    a very haunting tale, with a happy ending, ...............................................

    harmony74 commented on Silence that grows

    03-26-2010

    wow..I can feel for this lil girl..why so much, I can relate. My mom had her own world when i was growing up, as did my dad. I recall feeling like an "orphan" well, I didnt know thats exactly what it was at the time that I felt..but as i got older and heard about Orphans..I thought "gee even though my parents were physically maybe in the home, i felt orphaned in a sense. Thats good in the poem how the mom wants to change, and is really asking for forgiveness..Thats great! She reconizes her mistake..and wants change..well done!

    ThatGurl

    03/26/2010

    Thank you so much.. This peom was written for my daughter, I was that mom... thank you

    When power leads man towards arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the area of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.

    John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) Thirty-fifth President of the USA

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