Someone's Missing

I don't know why it's so bad tonight.
(It's two AM where you are
So I assume you're fast asleep.)
Maybe it was talking it through
With Carolyn;
My right brain
Yearning for that connection with
You.
Maybe it was retelling stories
To Ellie and Molly,
Joking around about pinkie fingers
Getting in the way all the time.
Maybe it was the
Parallels in the movie we watched
As a family.
Maybe it's because you once wore
The basketball shorts
I'm wearing now.
Maybe it's all of that together
On top of my daily struggle to
Try and let you go.
I don't know.
(You know how frustrated I get
When I can't figure something out.
That means I won't know
How to fix it.)
I do know
I wish I could call you
To try and figure out
Why I want to call you
So badly.
I do know
I loved you (and I still do)
And that part of my heart
Is crying (out) for you.
You're afraid that I am
Making the mistake of
Putting my entire self worth
In you (or a "past or present significant other")
Darling, I am not.
(Please don't worry about that.)
I have "found it in myself"
And that part of me is
At peace (and plenty alive.)
I do know
There is another hole,
Which is meant to be filled
And cannot be filled
By me alone.
(No matter how much I accept myself.)
Humans (as I believe God intended)
Are meant to live in community
With each other-
Enjoy and delight in each other.
I am not bitter, angry, or depressed
(About that).
I do know
That I do not blame you for anything
Because you loved me,
More than I thought anyone could.
What I'm trying to say is:
You filled a hole in my heart,
A designed hole,
And now that you're gone,
It feels like
Something's missing.