Feels like I am in jail

Not meant to be

Can’t pray with people listening

Ears are bleeding and it hurts so bad

Pierced in the side, washed in His blood

Single mothers they are my heroes

Doin’ all I can to help them

But the Devil know my plan…why is He attacking me

Stop the attacks

Wanted to be like them

Didn’t want to be a townie

Stuck in my ways

Stuck in a different mindset

Stuck to the same ol’ bullshit day after day

Can’t be like them

Don’t want to be like them

Always yellin’

Tearin’ me down

Always gotta find some way of bringing up the past to ridicule me

Just wanted to hear the words “hey, we’re proud of you”

Just wanted to hear the words, “wow, good job”

Don’t have an ego just for once want to be complimented and be humble about it

Still rippin’ my mind apart

Still listenin’ inside my head

I need my family, they just don’t need me

I need my friends, they just don’t need me

I call and no answer

Voicemails…Voicemails, all the time

“leave a message after the beep” *beep*

Miss my father

Things just haven’t been the same since I was 15

Feels like I’m still 15

Wanted to fall in love, get married and have babies

Now that dream is shattered

Now I am just stuck

Stuck in the harsh world of reality

The smells…

The mess…

The uncleanliness…a disaster

Remembering the smells of clean cotton,

Angels,

A black couch

And humming one of those old gospel tunes

The upstairs

The downstairs

Daddy in the computer room, working hard to provide a way

Wifey at the kitchen table studying and preparing the meal

Son out back in the treehouse hanging upside down

Little sister in a room thinkin’ pink

One little boy scared and frightened

Taught to hate and be evil, crying in the night

Screams in the night

Scared to go to sleep

Scared of terror that lingered near

Never was able to really be a kid

Poor thing just wanted his night back

The angel of mercy had to go away

The angel didn’t want to live in filth

The angel wanted a new way, a better way to provide for the ones that meant so much

But they just didn’t see

Still bringin’ up the past

Wanted to go to college, graduate in four years, get a Master’s, maybe even a PH.D

But the Devil stood in the way of achieving that dream too

No plastic surgery, can’t change or re-write history

What’s done is done, you can’t go back no matter how much you really, really want to.

Botox, lip plumping, breast implants is not the answer

It’s being a fake and phony

Be who you are

And what you are is what you make it

My mind is mine

So just stay outta my head

And listen to your own instead