you swallow a lot of cough syrup
to fix a scratchy throat
you wasted upon some person
who wouldn't give you the light of day.

i swallow a bottle of advils
to fix a broken soul
that i wasted on living
where no one wants me.

and in the end
we are all drugged up.
you asleep on your mattress.
me on the carpeted floor.
you'll get better.
and i'll feel terrible.
and in the end
it's all a waste.

you follow loves around,
like a puppy and its master.
you always reach for them
hoping they'll slow down long enough
for you to catch a hold.

i follow feelings around,
like a slave chained.
i'm always pulling, hoping
for a single moment
to actually catch my breath.

and soon we are all followers.
you thinking it's fate.
me knowing it's forced.
and before we know it
we are all bound to those we wish would wait.

money is for the commercials.
and travel for the escapees.

i want a road
that is straight and true.
so that i may walk
and finally get somewhere.
i doubt my reflection.
and i can't read the truth without dying.
so everyday i spend "living",
i just bury myself deeper.

so give me a bed
and a home i can smile in.
and let me go freely for one more day.
i want to drown on my own accord.
and choke on my own air.
so give me a chance
to make something worth it.

you smile.
i turn the corners of my mouth upward.
you laugh.
i feel my diaphragm stutter.
every thing must be so simple for you.
i almost wish i was you.





and then i remember



that i hate you.

and all that wishing.



was a waste of my time.