Time For Some ABC's

Let's go for the ABC ABC rhyme scheme, shall we?

Stanzas will consist of lines 1 and 3 written in iambic heptameter and lines 2 and 4 in iambic pentameter. The internal rhymes of lines 1 and 3 will rhyme, as will the ending rhymes of lines 1 and 3 and 2 and 4. Easy as ABC, no?

To gaze out on the ocean in the early morning light
Before the sun has fully reached it's peak
And marvel at the motion at the sea gulls in their flight
Can make the knees of anyone go weak.

RE: Time For Some ABC's

He stood there by the river bed dressed in a snow-white robe,
he held his arms out wide and said, "come in."
I felt just like a beggar on a lost and lonely road
who'd never known forgiveness for her sin.

He looked at me as if he knew the details of my life.
Somehow his eyes conveyed to me the truth
of love enough to free me from my past so full of strife
and love enough my future fears to soothe.

Time stopped there in the moment and my heart seemed to stop, too.
I saw God's love for me there in his eyes
and in that very instant I knew what I had to do,
I stepped into his arms and was baptized.

He said "I baptize you, my child, in Love and Jesus name."
He held me as the water 'round us flowed.
I can't explain exactly why but life's not been the same
since " Brother Loves Travelin' Salvation Show!"

Last edited by Aria 06-22-2010 at 09:52:33 AM

RE: Time For Some ABC's

Neil Diamond would be proud! You took one of his best songs and created a very nice scenario around it. The syllable counts were perfect, as were the internal rhymes all in the right places. Thank you for tackling this one and doing it so well. Teacher is happy!

RE: Time For Some ABC's

Thank you, Mr. B! I'm glad you're happy! This one was challenging. Thanks for teaching here at the OP Poetry School!

RE: Time For Some ABC's

of the Forbidden Sin
_________________



To kill was new and eerie, the meat-eater went insane
the first to commit "Original Sin"
It was no straw man theory, when he wore the mark of Cain
a reaction... to eating... forbidden

Cain brought death to the table and lusted for the flavor shock
to his body ..... and his brain, did falter
he was jealous of Abel, and lusted for the lamb flock
cooked on the high rise campfire alter.

Oh the vegetarians ~ ..... and the carnivores of Earth
we each have the number of thirty three
our intestines carryin' ~ ..... days of food within our girth
inches or feet in tummies ..... which have we ?

Of the fruits in the garden, (parasites growing on Life)
there is always One that we should not eat....
although there is a pardon, and the wrong "fruit" feels like knife
to call the apples sinful ..... is deceit.

If it's born of, produced by ..... or nourished by another
it's call a "fruit" ..... but does it have a mind ?
and rain red blood, and will die... did it once have a mother ?
and did it have a face ? ... it's the Sin-Kind.

Ol' Noah he was chosen, to populate a clean Race
with gratitude and hunger he set forth
but lust, it was near frozen, at the sacrificial place
and blood was flowing swift from true star-north

and God, he smelled a savor, and said the heart of mankind
was like a curse, and evil from his birth
the stench of sweet flesh flavor, did remind, of unrefined
cannibalistic acts of deadly worth.

And eating fruit with carcass, creates a festering brew
of death beneath the surface of the skin
the place of lepers (mark this) Fatu Hiva Island... you
will know God's mark of Cain, comes from within.



* Traveler Thor Hyerdahl was to discover and write of his visit to the Island of Fatu Hiva, in 1937-1938, where he lived back to nature in the Leper Colony there, where the diet consisted of primarily wild boar, shell fish and tree fruits.... although they did relish in the luxury of refined white flour and sugar.... resulting in a toxic combination of meat and fruit... one that brings near instant boils upon the skin, as if the bacteria grow rich, thrive in large cities within and spread to the suburbs of the limbs... perhaps Abel was cultivating the green herbs in his garden of plants that neutralize....

Last edited by Springsize 07-05-2010 at 03:02:57 PM

RE: Time For Some ABC's

Hi, springsize! Nice of you to join in!

Your poem is very interesting and some of the rhymes you used are very innovative, such as..

eerie - theory
vegetarians - carryin'
carcass - mark this

Your syllable counts are very good, as are the internal rhymes. I applaud you for that.

The only problem is that you faltered on the iambic. Even beginning with the word "murder" raises a red flag, since it is not an iambic word, with the accent falling on the first syllable...MURder. I'm afraid the iambic is lost in many areas of the poem and, without the iambic, the interior rhymes lose their effectiveness. If you care to pursue it, concentrate on getting the iambic structure down a little better.

Once again, thank you for joining in. The fact that you are an excellent poet is unquestionable. Work on the meter and there;s no telling how much better you can become.

Last edited by Balladeer 06-29-2010 at 08:48:25 PM

RE: Time For Some ABC's

Hi Balladeer ~ and thank you for the critique. I will work on the poem, as I see the problems you identified.