I shot a billion photos of myself
trying to see myself...just right
Who am I after blending
to be my mate's favorite recipe...
But who am I-
the woman that's made her choices
& her beds she slept in
the wildfires she set
the burns she eased away with the essence of her soul
that fell from almond eyes as dark as the depths
of the universe within her
but in that infinity, stirring within...
She watched...the world...each person...
each creature - from one almost invisible
to the over-the-top screamer
looking so intently with a quiet fervor
to give this person the attention their soul demanded
out of respect - whether their mind requested it or not...
She watched...with care to see them
with hope thier lives could change our world for the better...
with pain for their tortures, pitfalls, and failures...
with the immense love you can only feel for a stranger
captured in the quick snapshot of a passing by
catching them in a laugh that flits off in a heartbeat...
And I use this love to fuel me when nothing's left,
goin on seventy-two hours up, two hours down to rest
guiding that ambulance through the techno snow
as alternating red & blue lights take their turn on snowflakes
across ice patches that sent us skidding and I know
Poppop brought us back, straight on that road
so the man with one lung
could get a second chance
so the blind IV-starter, life-saver in the back
could fix his teeth in hope for love...
& I could go on to free myself
cutting my way out of my bondages,
leaving scars he didn't deserve,
Nonetheless essential in escalating the escape...
from 50's style marriages of sickening sweet, salty smiles
salty as the bitterness backs up in their beds
sickening as the facade falls apart
& flips open the scab of artificial dreams...
No! Not this soul, not this life
Please give me awkward moments,
uncomfortable knowledge,
passionate truth,
living at the edge of the thunderstorm
in the most realest moment
no numbness can exist!
Please Adonai - let me learn to live a life like this
with lustful laughter and overlapping loves
that ebb out loneliness, ignorance, and fear from my veins.

-Kimberly Rae Schilke