Alcoholic, the one word to describe my father
So much fear for me, my sister, and my mother
Almost every day of my life he was drunk
Calling my sister a bitch, mom a whore, and me a little punk
The three of us shared every kind of abuse there was from him
I hated and would never be comfortable with how we lived
So many times I thought he was going to kill mom
But at the last second we would get him or he would just stop
He'd grab another beer, shout for her to never say she was leaving him again
A few minutes later, he'd pass out, and his day would end
He'd hit us kids a lot, and yell at us for being stupid and dumb
He'd threaten to hurt us more if we told mom, and that shut us up
I lost all respect for my father as I got older
I was wise and toughened up and taught myself to be bolder
It shocked us both when I started standing up for myself
He'd keep pushing me, and saying "come on wimp, make a fool of yourself"
I'd warn him at first, when he got in my face, by just pushing him away
Then he'd charge and shout at me that I made a huge mistake
Then mom would step in and stop it
Always when I was seconds away from showing him my powerful fists
My father and I only fought a few times
He'd end up hurt, back off, then threaten to kill me the next time
Took me a long time to realize that he had a serious problem
I only realized his disease when I realized my own addiction I tried to keep forgotten
That is when I started to forgive him just a little bit
But he could not get help because, being an alcoholic, he would never admit
When I graduated high school, he started to change
He slowed his drinking, just a little, but still got drunk and everyone but himself was to blame
He still denied the problem he had
But at least he calmed down and his temper wasn't as bad
He even tried more and more to be a part of my life
Even though I shut him out, every single time
He really wasn't a bad man at all
He only got mad because of the demons in the alcohol
He would always ask us to forgive him and never stop loving him
On the outside it didn't show, but inside I knew he felt bad for all his sins
With me, it really showed, that he had made a drastic change
I could see that he had grown a little and would never be his old self again
When I was sick, he tried to be as sympathetic and caring as he could
So I started letting him, cause to help his sick son out, made him feel really good
Every day he always said he loved me
I never said it back to him cause it was still hard for me to believe
To me, he was still not a good father figure
But he tried, and with enforcing the rules he was a major stickler
He started wanting to sit and talk or go and do things with me
And I still wouldn't give him the chance to be close with me
On that march evening, I wished I had, months earlier, began to let him in, and had taken the chance to rebuild our relationship
But I was selfish and held too tightly to the past, unable to forgive, and unaware that these past couple months was all I had left with him
In the early evening, an hour after checking up on me in my room, his heart failed, and he went to the emergency room
For a week I saw him every day, hoping he'd wake up, but he never got up or left that room
His death was so sudden, and I can't get over the fact that I never let him know, that I had forgiven him
I never said those words to him so he could finally put behind him all the bad things he did
I really wish I had given him what he really wanted over the past couple months
Which was to finally be a part of one of his sons lives and to see and hear that someone really did want him to feel loved
I had to let him hear all this stuff while he lay in his hospital bed unconscious as machines kept him alive
Every day I cried so hard as I repeated the same apologies trying to make him see that I really loved him before he ran out of time
No matter how many times I held his hand and through torrents or tears said how much I did really love him
I was left with the feeling he still didn't know that, and I prayed for months after his death, to see him for one second for him to hear my love for him, but knew I would never see him again.