“Lord if I’m still alive?” Then why do I feel so dead inside?

My heart still beats a rhythm of pain that longs for comfort

And a rhythm of rage that makes me want to abort

This mission of life that I’m evidently doing so wrong

I should be on the top of the world they say but the thrill is gone

I’m still breathing but is this the breath of life I breathe

Or the breath of death that’s constantly teasing me, eating me, defeating me

Beating my spirit my hope my love my soul my body

There is a monster on the loose and it seems it’s got me

By the head blinding my sight feeding me torture seemingly induced by myself

Destroying my will to live feeling the chills of death with each breath

Each breath can’t catch my breath

“Lord if I’m still alive?”

Then why do I feel so dead inside?

“I want to live”, I tell myself but there is so much pain

What do I have left will I gain or remain in the same strain

That reduces a grown man down to less than half of himself

Still trying my best to play with the cards I was dealt

Trying to face adversity with pride and the best poker face I know

Wanting desperately to win with a hand that should fold losing the hold

Yeah the hold on my sanity the grip on my life

The trip that has me wondering should I fall on this knife

Should I grit my teeth and squeeze until I hear that pop

Should I rise from the highest peak like I’m flying destined to drop

I’m not a quitter but quitting is on my mind

Having visions of dying wondering will this stop the crying, stop the crying,

Stop the crying is this living or dying am I meant to quit trying 

To me the world must be lying when they say life is beautiful all see is dying

Just dying, just dying I’m dying

“Lord if I’m still alive?”

Then why do I feel so dead inside?