What a life I have lived, with all it's treasure and tragedy. I have tried so hard and failed so much, with blind ambition to have my way no matter what. Hind sight is twenty-twenty and if I only knew then what I know now. How easy it is to say things would be so different. To never really trust or truly care is a terrible curse to live. One of many learned behaviors I have carried each place I go. The pressure of guilt, fear and love is the biggest motivation I have ever known. Much like the addiction itself, as they need and feed each other so well. Every thought and every contribution to the day was nothing but a reaction to the last reaction to the last reaction. No future. No goals. No plans outside of minutes. Unable to rely on myself or others. Jails, institutions, anger and hatred were normal everyday things. Freedom always compromised as a daily risk of choice.

All the people, all the opportunities, all the jobs and possibilities. Each one nothing more than a sacrifice to get to today and to get to the me that I have become. How can it be so unforgiving? How can it be that heartless? Why did it take so much for me to appreciate what I have and where I'm at today? All that has happened was just for my little bit of understanding. It comes so easily to others. In the bigger picture with God, I must have taught many people many lessons about trust, compassion, faith and love. Or have I? Is it the best I can do to, only now, stop hurting others? Is there no way to make things right no matter what? Aside from the death, not too unlike the pain and suffering of a very small war. How many people just like me would it take to make up the difference? I know that they are out there.
The display of feelings, my biggest weakness. No exceptions to the rule. Every time before, is all I know today. Never doing anything new because the risk was just too great. The unwritten understanding of comfort in the familiar. To never have anything of real value for fear of other people just like me, so willing to do anything. No possessions greater than one can carry. Going to the same place twice was simply never done. All decisions based on risk and gain. Never once from the lesson learned.
The family kept at arms length, as protection to us both. Love brings pain and victims as a price we pay to care. A fresh start and a clear head. No cravings when I'm released. The judgments come and go. Now I'm free, but not inside, and shame will come again. Like ropes that hold too tight. I get lost in my own head. No-one knows who I am, because nobody gets inside. You're just the people I'll hurt next, but your too dumb to know. Usually no-one wants to help and if you did I wouldn't let you. That's why prison isn't just a place they put you.

Robert A. Penfield


Robert A. Penfield