In the last five years I’ve been trying to rid myself of a demon guised as a man. Posing as a gentle, loving, jester that with a few words could annihilate me or with a kind gesture boost me up to the heavens.

I’ve seen his evil ways for many years and I’ve often wondered if I really love him. I mean, it must be love if I wait 4 hours to see him for only a 20 minute visit; where he excuses himself of any wrong doings with a kiss and some elaborate story like the “Fish that got away”.

How this man affects me, I’m his toy when he’s around. Just his presence makes me nervous and all the months of good behavior: no drinking, smoking, sex goes out the window.

My first reaction is to ask him for a cigarette as if this bonding experience is going to capture his heart and make him love me the way I love him.

Next I’ll be coaxed into a drink to ease my pain, the pain of missing him and longing for him and why not he, may be impressed with my knowledge of wines and might want to spend more time with me. Today, he’ll finally realize that I’m an interesting person & someone he would want to befriend.

We’ll engage in idle conversation and the whole time we’re talking I can see him calculating excuses of why he won’t be available next Sunday, or next week.

It’s a dance we keep doing never really touching or showing our emotions so that the other person doesn’t find out about the other hurts.

And I hurt and my heart aches because he doesn’t appreciate me and he tells me I’ve gained weight when I’ve been working out and eating fat free foods and never looking better. So I’m paler than he because he goes out on his boat every chance he gets and I still don’t even know her name.

Yet he feels unworthy because in his absence I’ve thrown myself to God and he knows he can’t compete.

But any chance he gets he’ll put the men in my life down accusing them of not being man-enough for me or getting my needs met. Well, who can compete with this tall 215lbs, silver-tongued devil?

Where is he when I need him? He screens his calls and the pager and in the five years I still don’t know his cell phone #. Once I caught him getting a phone call on it and how envious I was because I wasn’t part of that elite group.

Sometimes I sicken myself with thoughts of him, how he continuously neglects me, yet I’m always there for him when he needs me. When he needs a sense of love and family I’m there.

We joke about it; he says: “well, you know my track record 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.”

What he doesn’t know is that with every 3rd date he makes and breaks I die. My self-esteem goes to hell and I crave him so much more that I’ll settle for any man’s attention that day and when I don’t get his love I’ll settle for sex.

At least, it’s an expression of love so my mind says, but my heart knows the injustice all too well.

And to whom do I owe this to: My Dad.