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written to my suicidal friend:

im talking, you don't listen.
im speaking, you cant hear.
theres so much you've been missin.
theres so much that i fear.

what happened to the smiles?
what happened to the fun?
I've been here all the while,
but those days, they are done.

I want them back, I need them.
they made me feel okay.
I want to feel okay again,
I wish there was some way.

my eyes were finally opened.
I wish they had stayed shut.
maybe then i wouldnt feel this,
this pain piercing my gut.

I wish you never told me,
I wish I didnt know,
I love you, I'm so sorry,
I swear that I wont go.

I dont know how to help you
and I dont know if I can.
I dont have much to offer
and I sure dont have a plan.

you told me, you trusted me,
and I betrayed that trust.
I was just trying to help you
and now I know I must.

but alone I cannot help you,
no, you've taken all I've got.
you need more than I can give you,
I gave it my best shot.

I wish there was some answer,
some secret hidden key,
to unlock this hell you're living
but I know that cannot be.

I want you to know I love you,
cause you think that no one does.
it doesnt matter what has happened,
lets just forget what was.

I'm sorry I cant see you,
I'm sorry I'm not strong,
I'm sorry I'm no help
and that all I do is wrong.

these secrets have consumed me,
these secrets, not my own.
so why am I the one left here
so broken and alone?

you put on your fake smile,
you fight back all your tears,
you're screaming out for help
but I'm the only one that hears.

I barely even knew you.
I'm still not sure I do.
you always seemed so happy,
I wish I never knew.

I wish that you were happy,
I wish that things were fine,
somewhere along I lost myself
between whats yours and mine.

this baggage I now carry,
this weight I'm asked to bear,
has mangled and has changed me,
and perhaps it isnt fair.

but thats not how I see it,
no, I view this as a way
to relieve you of some suffereing,
to take some pain away.

I know this isnt much,
I cant imagine how you feel
to have to wake up everyday
and know this nightmares real.

you're stronger than you know,
you're better than you think,
you could be flying through life
but instead you choose to sink.

I'm sorry that they hurt you,
I would kill them if I could.
I'm so sorry he says that,
no father ever should.

I'm sorry that you hurt you,
I'm sorry for each scar,
you like it, but I'll always fear
one day you'll go too far.

that day you have assured me
has already come and gone,
that you've put those thoughts behind you
and you're ready to move on.

my heart wants to believe you,
but my eyes still tell me no.
all these thoughts of final endings,
you have not let them go.

I've never felt so distant,
I've never felt so scared,
I never saw this coming,
I was so unprepared.

now everyone asks questions,
now everyones so mad.
I'm sorry, I cant help it.
I dont mean to act so sad.

I wish I could be different,
a girl who never cries.
I wish I was as good as you
at wearing your disguise.

one day things will be better,
and this all will go away.
one day the pain will leave us both,
one day we'll be okay.