What is it inside of me
That keeps holding on?
The relationship is dead
But it does not feel gone!
Tomorrow April 6th
35th  wedding anniversary
Left with this hole
This empty tomb inside
To celebrate.

I hate this Lord
I hate it so.
That I have not been able to let go!
What is so wrong with me
When the writing on the wall
Has really been there way before now.
I hang on so
And hope
For that whisper of  its existence

I do it over and over again Lord.
The phantom, the ghost.
 Maybe not even that
Only authentic in my heart
With never an attachment
I hurt, the pain is so intense
The muscles of my heart scream out

You’ve got to let it go.
You’ve spent fifty seven years
Constraining what’s inside
It’s ok my child
Let the blood flow.
You can’t hang on
To what is not yours
It’s most difficult to admit
That you do hurt.
That you never could control
The rhythm of this life.

Look at the cross
Look at the Christ
Only he gives new life
Doesn’t mean the hurt and pain are gone
Just that you don’t bleed alone.

For so long that’s just what you’ve done
And believed was right.
To surrender you have been petrified.
You’re seeing again
This time with eyes of  the heart
As all the puss comes oozing out.
Each layer of puss is on its healing journey
You’ve been here before

And each time you take my hand and walk with me
You become a little bit lighter.
You want to know me better
You want to see and touch and see my face.
You do each time you let that tear fall
Each time you embrace your hurting heart.    
And don’t hide behind someone else’s pain.

To know full joy
Come wholly toward me
I’ll hold you, touch you, embrace you.
There will be no shame.
Just pure love
From your Father above
And without a doubt
Know you are loved.

For it is for this
That I hid my face
Turned away that first Maundy Thursday Day
Let my son shed the blood
To cancel out the sin of all humanity
Who come to Him.

That each individual
Each person who calls out His Name
In word, song, in their very breath
Knows pure love

That’s not the end
It’s in each individual that knows that love
Then brings the love of Christ to each other.

So my dear child
Wipe your tears
The time to grieve
Does come to an end
After three days in the tomb
Christ arose
And with joy
He showed us how to live
In the light
And to live to praise him
And love each other.


04/05/09