Spiraling... I've come so far down and yet I'm still not done falling. Shouldn't I be happy or at least relieved to be where I am now? For gods sake I was doomed at birth. The doctor told my mom I wouldn't live past 5 or 6, he asked her to abort me. Close call, huh? Sometimes I wonder why my mother chose to go against the doctor. I haven't died yet, but some days a person just wakes up and knows its going to be shit filled day. Oddly enough the main cause of this is graduation. It's not that I'm afraid to leave the safety of the high school or the safety of what has been my home, although it is far from safe where I am. I'm rather eager to get out on my own, but so not ready to end up being like everyone else. I think it would kill me to realize that after striving to be who I am, I'm destined to be just like all the rest of the idiots wondering the world. I'm not ok with that! I'm supposed to be more than what I am at this moment. I feel it. I feel it so much, it almost feels like someone is twisting a fork into my chest, is this how its supposed to feel? Is it supposed to be painful realizing that everything you've put up with, every cruel name you've been called, every shitty situation you've ever been put in ends here? Of course because now the suffering restarts. Do I really not get any recognition for all this shit I've been through. I don't want pity, I fucking hate pity. I just want to know that one day this hell that has built up around me will be worth it. I can plainly see the beauty of life, the glory of this lives art, but I can't get it within my grasp. How can you not grasp what you've strived to create? And why can everyone see the light to this darkness, but me? Everyone says it's going to be ok and I know if I push myself and stick with what I've been doing that I will get through it, thats an easy thought. The hard part is trying to stay sane, staying alive. Right now I am so far gone from dreams it's ridiculous. And yes I said dreams, everyone always says “I'm so far gone from reality” but thats not it at all. Reality has engulfed me. It has made me a monster, a simple silhouette of myself. If there is a god or ever was it definitely fucked up when it decided to give life to someone like me, as a matter of a fact it fucked up by making well over half of the beings I've encountered in this disaster that I attempt to call my life. I scream at the top of my lungs, so damn loud that I swear blood must be pouring from my throat. So why can't anyone hear me? I feel like I'm being kept here against my will. I just want to leave, but no matter how many times I tell myself that its the last straw and that I'm ready to say good-bye, I can't. I see people that I've come to call my friends through the years, they appear just as lost as me. Perhaps if I stay I can help them, maybe they can help me... Do I really care about these people or am I really just too damn proud to take my own life? There is no fear, there isn't room for fear in my life. Fear can't exist in a body that has seen it all. Too young to have experienced all that I have, way too young to have experienced what I have at the age when I had first experienced it. And now... I'm too experienced to be a child again....