Wake up for Love is Dead

“Father of all, teach me to be more like you.”

I stare at the sacred circle
Facing east,
Afraid to join the circle of unity, Afraid to walk the path of my spirits’ healing.

Jama (Grandmother) was waiting for me in the middle of the circle, patiently.
To be able to get to her
To be able to open up to her would be the
Start of my healing.

I started a little prayer,
Asking the creator to heal my body: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

I made a step closer to her; Sitting down between her and the east side of the circle.
She smiled at me and said
“Opun towih?”
“Hama! (No) Hama! (No) I am not well.
I am hurting Grandmother.
I hurt. I am in pain.
Grandmother, I feel like the caterpillar
Whose life is full of challenges and struggles; frustrated when he is caught inside His cocoon; waiting to fly free.”

I am frustrated at this moment,
Wrapped up and stuck inside my own cocoon.
But, Grandmother I don’t know how to get out.
I am afraid of what will happen when I am freed.
So, I know that I am not ready to leave this cocoon
That I have created for myself…
I am not ready for my butterfly wings to be released yet.

“Granddaughter, I am listening to your pain
And I want to help you.
When you are ready I would like to listen
To the source of your spirits’ discomfort and offer my healing power.”

“Thank you Grandmother. I will tell you when I am ready.”
¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬
“Granddaughter, Eyya mannay kanni (don’t forget me).
Do not be afraid, trust me.
Speak, fight your fear.
Let the strength of the Bear direct you,
Let the courage of the Eagle surround you.
Become strong.
Now, I am going to let you talk.
I will listen.
……………….
“Grandmother, praise the Creator for your wisdom
And I am honored to have your trust, ‘Unu;
I am honored to just have you.”

“Granddaughter, maybe this will help.
(She bent down, and drew a replica of the Medicine circle in the sand).
This is the great medicine circle, the sacred hoop, or the circle of unity.
This circle has great power.
It represents the circle of life, and how everything connects, interchangeably.
I feel that this cycle will help you in your journey.
Each step that you take will represent a step in your healing.”

“How will I know what steps are what, Grandmother?”

“Each step is different for everyone,
The names of each will be up to you.
But, each major step will be represented in one of the four points of each end of the circle, which you will name.
Each step in between will be a semi-step to you,
Sometimes you may be stuck in between two steps and you may even back up at one point.
This is a process, a journey for you.
Only you will know when you have completed walking the cycle.
Again, I am going to stop talking
And listen to what you have to say.

I took up some length of courage
From the warrior woman inside of me and walked into the middle of the circle.
Even entering inside the circle was painful to me.
For my own good, I had to learn how to endure the pain,
Embrace it, even accept it
To be able to eventually let it go.

“Grandmother, I call the first point Spiritual.
I put this point at the top because spirituality is a way of life.
And this point connects all four of the points together.”

As I step onto the path of spirituality
I start to feel a gust of pain.
“Grandmother I find myself being torn
Like the baby from the womb.
My body no longer feels safe in the spiritual side of the circle.”

Red Hawk picks me up and drops me off in the section of the Golden Eagle (the Thunder Being).
She told me, “Tune (daughter), spirituality is a way of life.
It is in harmony, when you are in harmony with yourself.
Your physical side will take care of you.
Hupa Unu (Mother Eagle) will take good care of you.
Don’t get discouraged for she has great power;
And will take good care of you.
Don’t worry, I haven’t abandoned you.
If you need me, the Thunder Being is the Great Spirit’s voice.
Just have Hupa Unu call him, and I, his messenger will find you.”
She then kissed me on the cheek and flew away, leaving me alone on my journey.

Grandmother, my truth swaggers away from me
Reality is like the toxins in the drink causing my insides to revolt in pain.
Depression, denial is the fire within the drink
That makes me lose my reality, and opens up the ghost child within myself.
(It scares me to see what I’ve become).

All of a sudden I am being wrapped up in this wondrous wing, the wing of Mother Eagle.

“Never be afraid to dream.” She says to me
“For your dreams can take you
Where you heart yearns to go…
Hania (spirituality,
The reality of the spirit inside of you)”
“look.” She says as she pulls back the sky, like a curtain.
“This is what you need to be healed from. The journey of your healing is now beginning.
Trust in yourself, and trust in where I am about to take you…”She says as she puts me down, alone and flies away.

““Wake up, Love is dead.” Coyote says as he laughs…”
“Love is dead because I am killing it. I am making her crawl back into her cave of helplessness and fright. I am tricking her into believing that it is for the best. I am stronger than she is….
She can never get rid of me.” He says, as he throws his head back and laughs.


I am stuck in the west direction. A place that I am so familiar with...
A place that has imprisoned me for many years of my life
The Thunder Being has found me,
He guides me into the world of a?kaka (the old stories),
A path that is not going to be easy for me, I have to overcome my fear of the webs master.

Flying, hanging onto his back for dear life,
Dodging, all the sticky obstacles in our way…

Dreaming…. Running… towards the rollercoaster… the obstacles that keep me occupied, and queasy…
They hit me all at once... One obstacle brings up memories of the past,
Sores open, oozing, bleeding, with the painful memories of my distant (yet near) past


One obstacle befalls me,
The Spirit of my pain opens its mouth and calmly calls my name,
He knows me so well.
He knows how to stomp on top of sores and watch the blood fall furiously.

I start to respond to him,
But something stops guiding me towards the voice of my pain,
A huge weight forces itself upon me.
This weight is so huge that I can not breathe.
I would cry out, but I don’t know where to find the words,
Water starts to flow from within… through my eyes… and down my face.
Consciousness takes over me, like a spell,
And I realize that the weight that I am feeling, I have forced upon myself.
The tears that I am crying are from my soul, they are trying to alleviate the burden that I have so blindly created within my heart.

Grandmother Spider finds her way over to me,
And even though I am still fearful of her and her dangerous path,
I let her work her magic anyway.
She takes one of her mighty legs, and starts to spin, a magnificent web.
She spins this web over my oozing sore; the medicine from her handiwork stops the bleeding, and covers the sore like a band-aid, until the skin heals right.

I start to rise upwards, towards the sky
Spinning…. Like a web.
I look down, and I am hovering over the sacred hoop.
Hupa Unu, walks next to me, and points.
“Do you see tune? This is your hoop, the one that you have created for yourself.
All stages of your emotions, and your actions are part of it.
Your life can never be without pain, if you do not learn how to be in harmony with yourself.

I know that you were hurt bad,
And you are still hurting.
But, pain is inevitable,
It is an ultimate lesson. If it calls you,
Listen to it, adhere to its needs, and ultimately
Learn from it.

The spirit of pain will only overcome you if you let it.
But if you respect it, then you will be able to not only learn from it, but teach it.
Your journey is not over…
But, for now…I ask that you cradle yourself in the protection of your Harmony.
She will teach you where to walk.”

Hupa Unu, handed me over to the My Spirit of Harmony, The one that I had just invited within myself.
Hopefully she will be a good companion to me.

Kristen Debler
April 21, 2005