"accidentally"

everytime i hold a knife, a piece of broken glass, a pair of scissors or any kind of sharp object, i still think about "accidentally" cutting myself.
when i use the burner on the stove or a lighter i still think about "accidentally" burning myself. everytime i walk by a cliff i think about "accidentally" falling off.
i think of these things all the time. no one really knows about it. cause i have never mentioned it. and i am afraid that one day, i may accually do these things, and then everyone will pretend they care, pretend they are my best friend when in reality they never really knew me that well, they probably didn't even know me at all. they will be there at my funeral and say such sweet lies about me but none of them ever knew the pain i was really going through. they never knew that i hated myself, that i despised myself, that i starved myself, that i slowly killed myself "accidentally"....