Once upon a time I had all these aspirations
And there were butterflies and sunny skies
A little swimming pool in the back yard
It never occurred to me life would be hard
It never would have fathomed upon me
The difference I held
That god had made me
All my invisibles
And my trees
And dreams all just dreams
Way back then before I knew
I knew I believed
And some day I would have a little boy
And name him Andy
And my love would love
And that’s how it would be
With my aspirations and me

Once upon a time I had aspirations
And somewhat realized life had complications
And the aspirations added on
They began to sing a song
Unfamiliar to me, but I had a sense
But would not let it overtake
Tried to make it break
And they, my aspirations became more:
To be accepted
To be loved by them
To find him, have a little boy
And my love would love
That’s how it would be
My aspirations and me

Once upon a time I had aspirations
Life added on more, yes, complications
The song seemed stuck on repeat
There were things it seemed, I could not beat
And I understood many things were lost
That things unwritten here could not be bought
I had to accept that
But there were other things I still believed
Things that every human needs
And aspirations piled on
Every day the same song,
Just now with more words
Ones that only I heard:
To find the place where I belonged
To find those who loved me
To be respected by them
To be accepted by them
To find him, to find him
And still deep underneath although I denied it
To have that little one
And my love would love
Butterflies and sun
That’s how it would be
My aspirations and me

Once upon a time I had aspirations
Song pounding in my ears
So inescapable
So unexplainable
And desperation added to my aspirations
Along with more to add to the chore
Of my searching slash longing
Slash unbelonging
And I was underwater drowning
Willing and ready and desperate
Desperate for my aspirations
Desperate and drowning
The song pounding
And I tried everywhere
I said I didn’t care
And we suffered unbearable
My aspirations and me

I forced myself to see him
Then magically he was there
And I could breath in such sweet air
I reveled in the sun,
My eyes drank sweetly the butterflies
So many aspirations had come
And the acceptance, belonging,
Respect and longing,
None of that mattered
I had my love, and my little one

Still there was a song,
But now sweetly sung
And I ignored everything else that came
I had faith and was believing
My aspirations I was needing
Started to add up differently
In different ways
Nagging in the back of my head
Inching creeping
Fingernail scrapping against stone
Everyday.
To be loved,
To be accepted
To be appreciated
And respected
To give my little ones a life
So much unlike mine
To give them their chance to shine
And all of my aspirations turned
To you

Years went by of isolation
Years went by
Internal desecration
That I refused to see
I just kept believing
Yes I kept deceiving
And you held my aspirations
Along with everything I was
My entire soul
My entire life longing
My entire existence,
It all fit comfortably in the palm of your hand
And I curled up there for years
Of tears and denial
Trying now to believe
Begging every force to relieve
For my family
For my love
For you
The sunshine and butterflies
The little pool in the back yard
And so lonely I became
Faded, grey, and without a name
In the middle of America
Hanging the laundry
And cooking supper
Washing floors
And watching you leave me
For the tv
There was nothing I could do
And I was in love with you

Once upon a time I had aspirations
And I believed so fiercely
And the same song left only so briefly
But it became after years
Nothing but a sonic boom in my ears
And ever so desperately I clung
To this delusion
That I had been breathing
That you had relieved me
That aspirations happen
That dreams are not just dreams
That I found the place where I belonged
I found those who loved me
Someday you would accept me
I found him, I found him
And my love loved, if not so perceptible
Butterflies and sun
That’s how it should be
My aspirations and me

Once upon a time
I had aspirations
To separate, to break this fate
Of the song in my ears
That sang so eerily clear
Because I couldn’t believe any longer
The truth had grown
So much stronger
That denial was a wrenching pleading shadow
That I had to let go
And my aspirations took such a sharp turn
That my life rolled like a vehicle
On the black ice of a curve
And I hoped to survive
I hoped to find myself alive
That you would be a good daddy
That we could still be a good family
Just separated
With the anger sedated
That you might accept me as me
A human just being
I aspired to be alone and strong
That I might not again
Make the mistakes of the song
That you might follow along
That I would be a good woman
And you would be a strong man
And we could do this right
We could make a plan
For the little ones
The one thing that I could account for
The one thing I achieved out of this entire life

One day one night on one last desperate flight
I watched it all
Every single aspiration fall
I didn’t want to know or see
It was happening to me
And I saw how you were never good at all
I saw you would never be
And I chocked on the water
And I broke
I was alone but I was not strong
Denial pulling me along
Like an addiction
So filled with conviction
With withdrawals I sat in the corner rocking
Every move you made and still make shocking
Cold water right through the ice
And nothing ever was or is alright
And nothing would ever ever be alright
With this, you, me, our family

And I saw clearly every year past
From the very first butterfly sunny sky
Pool in the back yard
So clear, so near
Like yesterday
Like flashing before my eyes
On deaths moment of play
When everything died
Because I saw
Aspirations are only aspirations
They are just dreams
And wishes on the stars at night
Pennies in the well
Drifting hopes and longings
Right down to hell
The denial slowly still drifts away
Pulling me through the shockwaves of you every day
And the papers, the leaves, petals
All just fall to the ground
Buried my aspirations
Lost to me now
Lost to us all