What is happiness?

Happiness is not temporary

Happiness is not a temperamental euphoria to jerk you in and out of its delight

Happiness is not controlling and vindictive

Happiness is not a joke to laugh in my face at the fact that it’s an unattainable lie

And happiness is not a black sea of forgotten wishes and desires

So why is this my reality, my happiness?

Why can’t I smile for no reason?

Instead I’m stuck here in this nocturnal season

Why can’t I be carefree and burden free

Alive inside instead of dying?

Instead the invisible chains from the adversary of my soul strangle me

 That’s why the caged bird doesn’t sing

Why am I perpetually tormented by myself?

Why do I hate being me, hate living here, hate the pure essence of being?

A dismal disposition controls me

A color blind world is all I know

There are no rainbows here

The world is a black and gray horror film passing me by

Why can’t I be alone without my self-destructive ways bombarding my brain and consuming my every thought?

You know why, because I’m not happy!

Instant euphoria’s are my happiness

Laughing at my demented thoughts is my happiness

Feeling pain rather than nothing at all is my happiness

When the cliché fairytale “happiness” is bleak and is a stranger who rarely knocks at your door, even if it is a deceitful demon

A furnace in my soul and the stench of brimstone is better than hypothermia and frostbite

 The question that constantly haunts me, will I ever find my happiness?

Or will I continue persevering through life resenting this abomination I know as happiness?

Until the fateful day that I’m finally condemned to eternal suffering in Satan’s humble abode…