I remember how I was and what I was, but, who I still remains a mystery. Not really that is matters too much anymore outside of the fact that my life has become a void filled with the ability only to fall into the same pitfalls that I have chosen before. It is a fall I recreate over and over again. Why this is also remains an elusive shadowy partner following me in life, daunting, over taking away forward momentum. What have I done to remain is such a neutrality? I continue to ask time after time maybe I’ll find the answer when there is dust.
The more I remember the more I am able to use my experiences as almost as material possessions. Opening and shutting doors in my mind are like opening and closing passages of space and time during which I am a levitating limbo floating through each but not allowed to touch. Out of curiosity I try, to find the cold wind of failure, never giving in just consistently uncovering the inability to reach what is there. Look into the mirror I see different versions of faces I once wore. The more and more I them the I think that they should become friends yet they become further and further from anything I would call familiar. I ask my-selves why this reality has been chosen for me yet I find more confusion.
Deeper down the spiral I go, I find that less of this re-found territory is a place I have travelled before. Although I should know what this is all about in life I like to walk into each situation new and fresh. Most times in life I find that my heart in one situation is torn yet I hold my head up and continue forward. I’m not sure why to be honest with you but nevertheless I do. Maybe I should return into the physical manifestation of the pain that kept me safe. Everyone that I have cared for has done the same and they are not alone. I feel differently but yet I am the one that ends up alone. I revert back to what I said about getting close and never touching.
Well in a few times touched but never really enjoyed. Fatal words either given or received usually prevent the relenting of the limbo space I now live. Depression is there but not all encompassing as it once was yonder year. The new pocket that my limbo ball resides is confusion. No matter how many times pushed out of the pocket I still return for this reason or that.
The confusion factor seems to strike at the most unsteady of moments. Usually on other’s behalf not on my own. I such a poison should touch my shoulder than I am quick to remedy. I look within myself and see if I can find the truest of meanings and evaluate if the risk is worth it. If I feel it is then I stick to it no matter the rough waters I may need to travel. I do feel that in my moment in this time it is more that essential to weather the sea. The tide gets rough…but I continue to hold on. Although because of lack of faith in the future I feel that I am a lone sailor sailing the most beautiful ship in the most terrible of conditions. Is that brave or fool hearty? I don’t believe it is either… then a smile or a glance catches and stops the storm from over powering the ship. A new calm appears, a clearing frosted horizon is now visible. Again the sea is the true essence of woman, flowing in her own directions and you can sail or jump, of get off at the next harbor. I choose to sail this sea with hopes of enjoying the grand adventure.
Then slowly the person I am becomes clear as a clean glass plate, I am The No One. I am an unnamable constant. My life varies leaving only the remnants of a history. The true history becomes the one that unfolds as it is told by the story teller bard, singing his merry tail over a cup of ale, or the child under the cloth fort speaking of the grand adventure. That is where you will find the history of what makes me who I am. The pill is easier to swallow that way, however, not easy living.
I am the whole that is the half of another whole, the nothing to fill nothing to be everything. Maybe one day even I will completely understand that but as of now the whole truth is only something that we can as an empty whole can come close to comprehending.
The strokes of my fingers type my music to page. I feel the want to reach out and touch but I don’t because I have been pushed aside not away. I don’t want to hurt or heal, I want to be part of being…as one breathe a person physically born of two spirits joined.
I loved that moment in time that we shared a smile and a chance for a moment to peer into each other’s soul. I felt the whole heart in that moment. That is why I stay. I will sail the sea of life for that feeling. I will ride the tide until it comes a reality.