Muted Hues of Grey

I rest in muted hues of grey,
Energy depleted. Self numbed pain.
I drank to much the night just past.
To open the gates. To drop the mask.

It is near two years. Since you closed the door.
So savage in your agony.Raw.
You fought many years to heal and shine.
Yet you never recovered. Ex lover of mine.

When I knew you, some 13 years ago.
You had much to learn of how love goes.
You treated me harshly. Cheated my soul.
You made me feel so very old.

I punished you, by moving on.
I moved quite quick. I've stayed this long.
I knew, I always knew, you see.
That you'd come back with one word from me.

In darkest hours, when marriage was hard.
I held onto that truth in my darkest of hearts.
That no matter how ill I was treated by he.
There was you. Still living. Loving me .

I lost contact with your family.
Who had always loved and cherished me.
I was hanging on by fingernails, waging war.
With my ungrateful and ignorant acquired inlaws.

Then two years ago, I spoke to your kin
Was told how you suffered. Bi Polar set in.
When we parted you'd turned to drugs of all hues.
And they were fighting so hard to hold on to you.

Less than two weeks later, I received the call.
You had taken your life. Lost the fight after all.
I was numb and so humbled. Ashamed and betrayed.
I realised just what I'd believed all those days.

I went to your funeral, was loved by your kin.
Amazed and enlivened I'd come once again.
I held them in sobs. I joined in a few
Remembering that person that had once been you.

Two years ago soon, will have passed since that day.
And last night, for the first time, the anger held sway.
On the phone with my soulkin. Emboldened by liquor.
I was able to vent, full my fury, snarl with vigour.

How furious with you, that you'd held on to me.
Deified what we'd had, burned your heart for your cheat.
I sobbed and I screamed. Roared contempt. Whispered love.
Hating you once again, that you'd broken my heart.

Softly spoken, my soulkin, said 'It was not your fault'
'Not were you to know how he'd held onto his guilt'
Ahh 'tis true what you say, and I'm glad that he's free.
But he was found, where he'd died, with a picture of me.