The Self Love Hate Relationship (challenge by jpmaster13, 5/6/10)

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  • Inspirational

    Poem Commentary

    I would appreciate you comment, I wrote this to take on a challenge. How'd I do? Thank you :)

    The Self Love Hate Relationship (challenge by jpmaster13, 5/6/10)
    My self that loves is true and pure

    I love her who is free and bares all

    As such, the other self is so unsure

    Hating my self, getting angry and small

     

    Why can’t my selves get along?

    And who’s in charge of this mess?

    Where can one survive and belong?

    Hate leaves me in desolate distress…

     

    Confusion mounts, I lose domination

    Can’t forge through the forest thicket

    Grow no more; a blinding indignation

    Pretentious one, a life, no meaning set

     

    But oh, my self that loves is strong

    For life itself, she’s known its’ blessing

    Hold fast, she reigns, ne’er a wrong

    Stay with her, no transgressing!

     

     

    Zep© 2010

     

    My self that loves is true and pure

    I love her who is free and bares all

    As such, the other self is so unsure

    Hating my self, getting angry and small

     

    Why can’t my selves get along?

    And who’s in charge of this mess?

    Where can one survive and belong?

    Hate leaves me in desolate distress…

     

    Confusion mounts, I lose domination

    Can’t forge through the forest thicket

    Grow no more; a blinding indignation

    Pretentious one, a life no meaning set

     

    But oh, my self that loves is strong

    For life itself, she’s known its’ blessing

    Hold fast, no reigns, ne’er a wrong

    Stay with her, no transgressing!

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    jpmaster13 commented on The Self Love Hate Relationship (challenge by jpmaster13, 5/6/10)

    05-30-2010

    Rhymes, I liked, they didn't seem so forced except at a few points. Many poets try to rhyme, rather then having true meaning to their words, the first stanza I had to read a few times to get. Maybe you should try naming your "Selves" To make them easier to distinguish. I don't like the line "Who is in charge of this mess?" Seems to me like it doesn't fit in, maybe cut out the second stanza? I personall don't feel like it is contributing to the war between to the two selves. On the third stanza (Not really a major critique, just something that felt wrong) the word forge... I feel like forge is more of like making something, I'd like a more specific/greater word maybe. The last two stanza's are my favorite, complex usage of words forged together( ;) ) to make a beautiful ending. I'd say, rewrite the first stanza, delete the second, and keep the last two. Great write I believe.
    Reply to Comment

    Zep

    05/30/2010

    O thank you, this is perfect critique!! Say you, not a critiquer, but you are! And a good one!! I did have some problems with the 1st 2 stanzas, but this was something I wrote on the fly, I didn't do the draft-thing. so, all in all, not a bad rating at all, thank you so much!!

    Poetry is what is lost in translation.

    Robert Frost (1875-1963) American Poet.

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