Fluid uncertain vulgar shell-shock

11 Comments

Tags:
  • Confusion
  • ,
  • Life

    Poem Commentary

    This poem was edited recently; the names and places were changed to protect the rich and guilty at the expense of the innocent.

    Fluid uncertain vulgar shell-shock

    The illusory state of the mind
         Fluid uncertain vulgar shell-shock
    Tripping, gripping, and unkind
    Meandering brain what did you find?
         Insurmountable love lust deprive
    I need a quick rewind
    The past I can not bind
    Demons at intervals timed...
    Lie to me baby, I don't mind
         Smooth religiosity
    fornicator reverberate
    These next two lines, they have a different cadence and distance
    I'm drunk with indecision, I have no more patience only persistance
         Exquisite humility pseudo destruction
    Is anything real, have I lost my mind?
    Lucid unreality focused, please be kind
    And don't forget when your done, rewind























                                             pineapple!

    Poem Comments

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    emilytwain commented on Fluid uncertain vulgar shell-shock

    01-29-2010

    perfectly imperfect. it makes me feel as if i have a slippery grasp, but holding on just the same.

    MichaelTierney

    01/30/2010

    Thank you.

    RHPeat commented on Fluid uncertain vulgar shell-shock

    01-09-2010

    Actually about 15 years ago I was using this sort of device in poems. I called them compound verbs and nouns. I actually got a runner up in a book publishing possibility. But some one else got the prize. At the time I was writing poems that were a bit abstract with compound metaphors that were linked together with these devices. It was fun. I went on to other things. But if you read a lot of my work you will still see it show up from time to time. The poems aren't as abstract now. I did have one on my page that no one was getting at all. I'm not sure if I took it down or not. I know someone made the comment it was too surreal to understand. Actually some of the beat poets played with the concept some. Read the book "ancient rain" I think you will like his poems. Bob Kaufman. I met him a couple of times when I was living in San Francisco. I gave him a line once that he used in a poem: "creation is perfect." He used it in Frog-eyed fish. There's one of your word strings by the way. A poet friend/ RH Peat

    RHPeat commented on Fluid uncertain vulgar shell-shock

    01-08-2010

    Mike. I think the change to Humility is far better. At least (vampire sugar-junkie) isn't redundant. It is a great image too. I can send you some information in essay form, that I have posted on some other sites if you want. It's just some basic stuff to watch out for when writing. There are no hard fast rules, per say. But there are thing that if are aware of you will make your writing stronger. Like (of) metaphors for instance. It's easy to fill a poem with these weak metaphors. verbs are far more powerful in a metaphor no mater what it is about. A good verb can even replace (like or is) and be far stronger in most cases metaphorically. You can also create a possessive or a compound noun, like your sugar-junkies. or vampires of the West could be changed to become the West's vampires; and still say the same thing. It you see what I'm talking about, and then you don't have to use the word (of) and the image actually gets more compact and to the point as well. An anaphora is a word or group of words at the beginning of the line that is used line after line. Check out Whitman to see what I mean. A refrain is actually a repeated line at the end of each stanza, that ends up being used in all 3 of the major parts of a poem. 1. opening, 2 turning point, and 3 closure on the poem. as well as any other stanzas within the poem. If you want to know more about this send me an Email and I'll send you the dope on it. Plus there are a few other things by historical poets I can lay on you as well. I only say this because you have made it known to me that you are interested. Otherwise, I don't bother passing it on. I've shared these things with others here who were truly interested. Many are so protective of their work that it can't grow at all. A person that knows his work knows he doesn't have to protect it at all. Personally I'm always open to try anything new. Every time I find a new form I try it. A poet friend// RH Peat

    MichaelTierney

    01/09/2010

    for some one who comes across as intelligent it is funny to hear you say dope. By the way feel free to experiment with my concept of word strings (remember word pairings should be as strange and absurd as possible, the more strange the more meaning it seems to take on). I know it isn't an official technique but it seems to work.

    RHPeat commented on Fluid uncertain vulgar shell-shock

    01-08-2010

    mike: Don't force the rhymes. let some of them fall internally in the line as well as on the end of the line. use other forms of rhyme besides end-line rhyme, like alliteration, assonance, consonance as well as identities. (using the same word at equal intervals. Repetition also helps the music as anaphora or refrains. It will empower certain word sounds. Metaphor will create depth to a poem which will make it something new each time it is read. Too much metaphor will make the poem abstract, which can still work it just become another kind of animal for the reader to find the depth. Stay away from the riddle poem however. Corral the metaphors around a certain subject. It's easier for the reader to get to the center of the situation in the poem's presentation. Watch out for extra words, redundancies like (fictitious pseudo) which carry almost the same meaning. Don't abbreviate words in the middle of the poem. Always make the poem accessible for the readers. Never tell the reader or define the poem. Show what's happening in the poem and let the reader figure it all out for themselves. This allows them to have an epiphany within themselves which makes the poem part of them. Watch out when using the (ing)'s the gerund isn't too strong. The active verb is far better. (trips, grips and is unkind) I hope this helps you some. Never be afraid to rewrite a poem. And if some tell you they see something in the poem you don't want to be there. Write it out of the poem. a poet friend// RH Peat

    MichaelTierney

    01/08/2010

    Thank you for your feed back. I have some studying cut out for me. I don't understand several terms you used in here or at least what to do with them. The only thing I feel the need to explain because I think you may not have understood it's purpose in the poem is having to do with the line "exquisite fictitious pseudo destruction". A few years ago I was listening to a song by the Red Hot Chili Peppers called "Minor Thing" and a line in there made think of word strings (a concept of mine). The line in the song was "vampire sugar junkie" I realized how unique an idea you could make if you strung a group of words (maybe 3-7 words) together as long as they didn't make any sense separate of each other. The idea of the word string is for the entire group of words to be viewed as all one and also as a new word that creates an idea which strange, unique, and hopefully profound. In my poem I had four of these word strings which I set apart from the res of the lines of the poem. With all of that said I am not trying to argue with you about fictitious and pseudo being right next to each other. In fact I have decided to change fictitious to humility. Now that I have explained what I intended with those four lines I am open to any further comments or input you have. Thank you again.

    knight4696 commented on Fluid uncertain vulgar shell-shock

    01-04-2010

    Hey Michael - This poem is awesome in it's ability to convey a confuse message yet the scary thing is ... I can relate to it! Confusion has a way of clouding our thoughts and sometimes we need to rewind! Nice Work! ... Ken

    MichaelTierney

    01/08/2010

    thank you.

    Poetry is either something that lives like fire inside you or else it is nothing, an empty formalized bore around which pedants can endlessly drone their notes and explanations.

    Unknown Source

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