Despite your promise to me

I was waiting for you to walk away

For throughout my whole life

There were not many that did stay

Upon meeting you for the first time

I told you that you would abandon me

You made a promise to never give up

You said just wait and see

Now it’s four and a half years later

You returned my call

You said it just may be the end

I felt my heart break and my hope fall

The reasoning behind all this seems to be

That you don’t know if what you’re doing is right

You don’t know if we’re going the right direction

But something came to me through my tears that night

When you made that promise

To never give up on me that day

The day I decided to trust and open up

There’s just one thing I never heard you say

I never heard stipulations

I never heard exceptions such as this

Had I heard I would have listened

I would not have held on to your promise

What I did hear that day

Was my instinct saying don’t believe

Run fast and far

For this will only lead you to grieve

Here am I now

Barely holding on, everything’s such a blurry mess

I can’t seem to focus on anything

I’m sinking in this quicksand called stress

Despite overwhelming pain

I stand here occasionally pained with anger now

How could you wait until three days of losing another support

How could you choose now, to go out with a bow?

I realize I am not always easy to handle

But in my darkest of darkest days

You have helped guide me along and learn to cope

The one who falls to her knees and prays

Now I have done this once again

Failing in my own beliefs as I do not understand

How God could promise me love and comfort

But yank away the helping hand

In all of this I have since come to believe

It is not God letting me go

For He gave us all free will and through all of my prayers

This is what He wanted me to know

You hung up that day knowing I would be a mess

Knowing my eyes were filled with tears, and my heart of sorrow

It was so hard to hang on until Tuesday

As I did not believe I would make it until tomorrow

So I coped in the only ways I knew how

I did what I thought was best

And the times I didn’t

I did them to give my heart a rest

I used to say I was just a client

That I mattered not but now I know

I was not even good enough to be that

As I have now been twice, let go

I know you will never look back

My face will disappear

My tears shed, my life story

My laugh, my fear

Abandoned I feel

Rejected

By the ones by which

I felt most protected

The underlying belief?

Well, worthless of course

I should have done a lot different

So in that failure, I am full of remorse

I had hope

Trust I had built

Now I am full of pain

But mostly guilt

I wrote this poem

I should have written a letter

But I couldn’t let go of the emotions

And I could write this much better

For when I write poems

Fragments are not an issue

Unlike my life

Broken in pieces, without any glue

You held me together

On days I thought the worst had occurred

But you made me see the light

And be proud that I had endured

You helped me get through school

And so much personal loss

All of which now

I don’t know whether to hold onto or toss

I am so confused

Was anything with you ever real

I have to tell you now due to all of this

I don’t think it’s ever possible for me to heal

I knew at the time of your call

When you said my voice would be heard

That your decision would be made before

And that you never intended to keep your word

I simply or rather not simply

Being it took all I had to get here

To tell you goodbye, holding as steady as possible

As I am filled with anxiety and fear

You did what you wanted

You did what you thought was right for you

I understand

As much as you could expect me to

You are no longer responsible for me

I can expect that that’s a relief

So with one last word I can close this poem

That should have been brief

Goodbye.