Tortured body

Night time rest
I lie there counting the stars
as they glint in the Heavens
Desperate to sleep
exhausted tears streak streams
from cheek to pillow
Not that I feel sorry for myself
just simply worn out
in need of short respite
Scared to try to move
as nightly rigamortis sets in
but need is there to move
to free the stiffness
work through extreme pain
to break the grip
of thise imprisoned bones
to free the body
and bring short relief
that I might make routine bathroom trip
before it is too late
and further humiliation takes hold
Once I can bend and straighten legs freely
I can shuffle around suffice to sit
then reassure myself
just enough to feel able to cope
To push and put one foot in front of the other
Force this swollen crumbling body beyond the pain
required to move from sitting to standing
to start to brave the world once more
So I can live life to its fullest
The calm tends to come after the storm
but the peace that follows can be short lived
never knowing when the winds direction will turn on its heal
bringing tornados and lightening strikes
to rack tortures torment through my spine and legs
where this disabling degenerative disease desires domination
Red lipstick disguise fools those around me
They don't see me during these difficult times
the occasions I let only those closest to me near
Times I become almost totally reliant
Like so many mornings when I've no choice
but grapple between the raise bar
and my husbands strong arm
to standing stooped position
Flattened hands search the fronts of wardrobe doors
sliding upwards as I straighten up
taking crutches one in each hand
I prop myself strongly
then carefully I step slowly
and with each  movement new release
begins to fall fresh upon me
for but short time
until the hours play same record over
or the devils bow plays fiddle
with the nerves in my body for encore