The Train of Defeat


  • shanny8917
  • My own two favorite poems are "Train of Defeat" and "The Story of Sorrow"

The Train of Defeat

In the light of the day, she saw him there.
He was standing straight, running a comb through his hair.
The expression of sadness was drawn on his face.
He lit a cigarette.  At his feet, a suitcase.
She watched as he wiped away a tear.
He sensed her presence as she became near.

A glimmer of hope as both eyes met.
It was a special love they will never forget.
Looks of reconsidering returned with empty hope.
Flashbacks of the past.
He just couldn't cope.
The anger in his eyes pierced through her heart.
She destroyed all chance of going back to the start.

Her pace slowed as he turned away.
He didn't want to hear what she had to say.
She whispered, "Good-bye" and silently wept.
Her apologies were something he could not accept.
He ascended the stairs to the train of defeat.
He couldn't help but look as he took his seat.

Her tear-stained face left a scar on his mind.
He cursed himself for looking behind.
As the train of defeat rolled slowly away,
he wondered if maybe he should have stayed.

The train of defeat was his very last step
to end what he could never accept.
She begged for forgiveness with bitter tears.
He'll relive that moment for the rest of his years.

She sat at the station for hours after that.
She hoped that he would decide to come back.
But love was abolished from the hearts of two.
They lived apart with feelings untrue.

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hoth2o commented on The Train of Defeat


This is a good scribe on a moment we all hav shared. I can only suggest that you try in the future to choose words that enhance the flow of your thoughtsRhyming can be machanical and sometimes awkward.symetry I believe is what you're after.

blanket commented on The Train of Defeat


Nicely written, and the title is wonderful. My only suggestion would be to work on the stressed/unstressed syllables when you are writing...not saying that every poem with rhyme should be onomatopoeic but it needs to flow almost like a song. Read it out loud, it helps me!



Thanks for the advice!

Artie commented on The Train of Defeat


Very well written!! I love the way you tell this story. I feel such sadness now. I can relate to this so well. 10 from me

RodP commented on The Train of Defeat


So sad, but I love the "train of defeat" aspect. Very well written and it flows nicely. Keep up the good work!

When power leads man towards arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the area of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.

John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) Thirty-fifth President of the USA

shanny8917’s Poems (19)

Title Comments
Title Comments
Illusions Of My Marriage 5
I Can't Believe Its You 1
Who Am I? 2
You Ruined Me 2
The Devil Can Kiss My Ass 3
Coming To Terms 4
The Train of Defeat 4
That Door 1
Freedom 1
Actor 2
My Heart 4
Senses 0
Comfort 1
Sorrow (The Story Of) 2
Past Future 1
I'm Not Laughing 1
We'll Never Know 1
Home 3
You Were The One 1