I TRIED TO KILL TIME TODAY.
I DON'T KNOW WHY, I ACTUALLY LIKE TIME.
TIME- IF YOU'RE LISTENING, I'M SORRY.

IF YOUR MIND ISN'T OPEN, I DON'T THINK YOUR MOUTH SHOULD BE, EITHER.

IT TAKES ALOT OF INTELLEGENCE TO REALIZE THE EXTENT OF YOUR OWN IGNORANCE.

PEOPLE WHO YEARN FOR "THE GOOD OL' DAYS",  SHOULD TURN OFF THEIR AIR CONDITIONING, OR BUY A BLACK & WHITE TV

MY SON IS 20 YEARS OLD. I THINK IF HE APPLIES HIMSELF HE HAS A GREAT CHANCE TO BE 21.

TROUBLE ALWAYS ACCEPTS YOUR INVITATION

DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND. A DOG IS MAN'S BEST FRIEND. IS IT ME, OR IS SOMETHING WRONG HERE?

I'D LIKE TO MEET THE VERY FIRST HUMAN BEING TO EVER EAT A LOBSTER, AND ASK HIM WHAT HIS THOUGHT PROCESS WAS.

I SHOP THE SAME WAY I DRIVE. I REFUSE TO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS.

I THINK MY CAT REGARDS ME AS NOTHING MORE THAN A WARM PIECE OF FURNITURE.

WHY DO RECIPES ALWAYS SAY SET AT ROOM TEMPERATURE.  ISN'T THE TEMPERATURE OF THE ROOM ALWAYS ROOM TEMPERATURE?

SOMETIMES I WAKE UP GRUMPY, SOMETIMES I LET HER SLEEP.

IT'S ALWAYS DARKEST RIGHT BEFORE THE DAWN, SO IF YOU ARE GOING TO STEAL THE NEIGHBORS' NEWSPAPER, THAT'S THE TIME TO DO IT.

IT'S WEIRD TO ME THAT THE MAJORITY OF OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE I KNOW, SKIP BREAKFAST. THE MAJORITY OF THIN PEOPLE I KNOW, DO NOT SKIP BREAKFAST.

PEOPLE WHO DON'T WORK SEEM MORE EXHAUSTED THAN PEOPLE WHO DO.

MOST MEN SPEND MORE TIME MAINTAINING THEIR LAWN THAN THEIR RELATIONSHIPS.

WHY DO THEY HAVE FINES FOR PARKING IN HANDICAPPED ZONES, BUT NOT FOR USING A HANDICAPPED TOILET? IT SEEMS TO ME THE BATHROOM IS MORE IMPORTANT.

WHY IS IT WHEN SOMEONE NEEDS TO KNOW THE TIME, THEY POINT TO THEIR WRISTS. WE SHOULD BE MORE CONSISTENT.  WHEN WE ASK WHERE THE BATHROOM IS, WE SHOULD POINT TO OUR CROTCH.