No More Me

2 Comments

Tags:
  • Futility

    No More Me

      

    To V,

    who was once my sweet lover and my loving wife

     

    I wonder, V, if you are unlisted.  Recently, I checked the phone book for you.
    I did not see your name--partly my name, since you kept my last name after our divorce.
    Once an unbelievable time: when we suddenly were not married anymore.
    Our seven-year marriage had run its course.
    Somehow, even though I knew that both our loves were true,
    Our marriage had been invaded by a sort of self-destructive force;
    And not all of the love that I felt for you, so deep and true, could stop the closing door.

    -----------------------

    Now, when I want to say my goodbye love to you, I learn that you are unlisted.
    Or perhaps you have become remarried.  That would explain it, too.
    Then finally my last name will have been stripped from you.
    If so, it will be impossible for me to contact you.  I really wanted to.
    After all these years, I really wanted to talk with you.
    Not that I was thinking about us getting back together, God knows.
    I cannot even dream about that now.  I cannot dream of much of anything.
    My heart aches for love.  But I just wanted to talk with you.  Maybe it’s just as well.
    If I had found you, and we had met to talk, how could I begin to tell
    The terrible things that have happened to me, all in just a little over four months.
    But, God, it would have been so good to hold you in my arms again!
    And for me to be able to tell you, that I finally could forgive you,
    For not letting our baby be born.  But then, how could I have told you this: That now,
    There will never be a baby that can come from me.
    You might then say: “Oh, so you got a vasectomy?”
    No, V; you of all people should know--I never wanted a vasectomy.
    And, certainly, I never wanted what has instead happened to me.

    -----------------------

    As the years have gone by, my health was good, my mind was good, my life was good.
    For both growth and change, I have had multiple curves, with most of them slow.
    My mind has continued to grow exponentially; physically, I was still on the go.
    I was proud that I could compete well with men who were younger.
    Compared with some even twenty-year old men I knew, I was healthier and stronger.
    Then, one day, I had a little trouble with—well—urinating.
    I went to see a doctor, in good cheer.  I expected a minor problem to be solved quickly.
    Four months and a few days later, my heart and soul and body are scarred and sickly;
    All three of these, and my life itself, have rapidly, precipitously declined.
    All I have left is my good mind.
    But my mind soon must die, and go deaf and blind.
    The decades of life I had left to live, have been radically reduced to frightening brevity.
    I never suspected a little problem peeing could mean that a dreadful death was waiting.

    ----------------------

    There is a word that I don’t want to say to you, V; but it has to be said.
    I may not get to talk to you; but perhaps, someday, these words to you will be read.
    Perhaps someday, someone will find you, and give these words to you.
    But there is that one word I wish to God was not a word for me to have to tell you.
    You can be sure of that, V—yes.  In fact: You bet your life!
    So, as Groucho Marx would say: What’s the secret word?
    The duck drops down, and in its bill, the placard spells it out: cancer.
    It is a dead duck.  And the dead duck is me.

    -----------------------

    Yes, I have cancer.  Surprise, isn’t it?  After all the vitamins and antioxidants,
    After all the minerals, and after taking so many life-promising supplements.
    Well, what can I say?  Actually, it was a doctor, a urologist, who planted death in me,
    Just like that good old movie D.O. A.—only much slower and more tormenting.
    He did not warn me the treatment he prescribed was known to cause cancer.
    He did not warn me that I needed to be carefully monitored, and checked.
    He did not ask the check-list of symptoms I should show, before risking being wrecked.
    To be mortally maimed--lonely for lost love--longing for my genetically endowed long life--
    Futilely lamenting.
    Five years ago, a urologist found my testosterone just a little bit low; and so--
    Though I was off just a few nanograms, and had no symptoms--
    He put me on testosterone replacement therapy.  Guess what?  Prostate cancer
    Can be caused, and can be made to grow real fast, by higher levels of testosterone.
    It turns out that high testosterone can be like a high wind blowing a spark into a blaze,
    Turning an occult cancer, too tiny to detect, into a man-killer.  This time, the man is me.
    In grief and sorrow, I suffer each day and fear tomorrow, with a sad low number of days.

    -----------------------

    I bet you would have been even more surprised to know that I love you so;
    That I still love you, after so many years;
    After all the tears that I shed for our baby, who is dead—
    Without first having had a life to be lovingly led—
    My baby, who grew in you to late term, but was never allowed to be born.
    I still grieve over what you did.  Would it have been a girl or a boy?
    Today, this day, my child would have been driving-age old.
    Perhaps, at the Cancer Center, my cell phone would ring, and a beloved voice say:
    “Hey Dad, are you ready to go?  Would you like me to come pick you up?”
    I’ll never hear that voice—nor, now, ever hear any such voice:
    My cancer attacked me below the belt.  My treatments have made me forever infertile..
    My hope to have a child some day--a lifelong, deeply felt hope of my heart--is gone.
    Gone--with other hopes and dreams--just as all of my life shall, too soon, be--
    Gone before my genetic turn to go--that hope of having children has fully faded.
    But I still love you, V.  And now I’m missing you, missing you, missing you so.

    -----------------------

    My cancer scares me, V; it scares me terribly; so terribly much.
    But I remember how happy we were, so long ago—
    I remember how I could feel your deep love for me in your smallest touch.
    As I know, you could feel, from my gentlest caress of your face, my great love for you.
    I wish you had been listed.  We could have met.  I could have held your hand.
    I would have told you that the ghost of my dead baby no longer haunts me as badly.
    That I had forgiven you at last--though the grief will stay, and go to the grave with me.
    Now I have lost it all, everything.  Even the hope of seeing you at least one last time.
    But there is nothing I can do about this terrible, great evil.
    I just have to suffer it.  Suffering is now my middle name.
    Strangely, though--all this pain makes me recall so gratefully all the blessings of my life;
    My life, which now shall soon prove to be hevel.
    Hevel—Hebrew, for early morning mist in the Middle East, soon burned off by the sun;
    The word translated in the King James Bible, in Ecclesiastes, as vanity.
    “Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher: all is vanity.”  Mister, you sure got that right.

    -----------------------

    I know you would have been glad to see me, V.
    Just as you always wrote at the end of all your love letters to me:

    HOLLAND:

    “Hope our love lives, and never dies.”

    Or, as my Beatles sang so long ago, and always sing in the ears of my heart and soul:
    “Each one believing that love never dies--
    Watching her eyes--
    And hoping I’m always there.”
    But I’m not going to be always there.

    -----------------------

    Now, over the years, we both have had other lovers since our divorce—
    As I know, because we stayed in touch for a long time.
    We were both good people, kind and compassionate.
    And we were both hot-blooded, deep with desire, and passionate.
    Unless you are remarried, or have a current lover:
    I know you would have wanted to make love.
    Of course, you would have come up with a reason.  I can hear you now:
    “Let’s do it, for old times’ sake.”  That would have sounded good to me—
    Except, well—then I would have had to tell you the rest of this bad joke--
    The big bad joke that the universe has played on me.  Because, you see,
    My cancer treatments involve taking almost all my testosterone out of me.
    If we had gotten together, I would have had the shame and sorrow to have to tell you:
    My lovely V, my beautiful V—I cannot give erotic loving anymore.
    My body has been invaded by a sort of self-destructive force.
    We might have made up, and forgotten our divorce.
    But my cancer will not let me forget that it is there.
    I love your pretty face, and I love your flow of hair.
    But, instead of the power to express my passion, all I have is sorrow, fear, and despair.
    As Turgenev said--in Smoke--my life will soon dissipate and disappear--like smoke.
    V, I love you.  But my power of love's loving passion is no more.
    Just as—so soon—there will be,
    No more me.

    =======================
     

    Written by Michael LP, aka MLP
    aka PoetWithCancer, aka PWC, aka Mr. Poet
    Written on Thursday, April 30, 2009  8:02 am
    Temperature: 640 F.  Winds 4 MPH
    Copyright © 2010 by Michael L.P.  All rights reserved

    Poem Comments

    (2)

    Please login or register

    You must be logged in or register a new account in order to
    leave comments/feedback and rate this poem.

    Login or Register

    abuelita1 commented on No More Me

    12-11-2010

    Michael, I hope that some day she will read these words and know. Know of the forgiveness you have in your heart and the love you still have for her. These words have given me a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes for both of you. A beautiful, heart-felt write for somebody that you truly loved, and still do. I do hope you find her and can speak to her. My prayers and thoughts are with you both. Who knows, maybe this will be the miracle that I have had in my heart for you. You never know..... Love...Tiny Dancer.........aka Super A

    In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

    Franz Kafka (1883-1924) Czech writer.

    PoetWithCancer’s Poems (224)

    Title Comments
    Title Comments
    Happy Winter Solstice 1
    Seasonal Ring 1
    My Thanksgiving 0
    God's Word 1
    Under the Date Tree 1
    A Few More Times 1
    Divine and Diabolical World 0
    Summer-Brief 2
    Seasonal Ring 0
    Shakespeare's Birthday and Death 0
    Special Brian 0
    I Remember Brian 0
    Light of Life 0
    Pain Has Defeated Me Today 1
    The Old, Old Words 0
    Home Is Where the Heart Is 0
    A Sad Contemplative Christmas Today 0
    Moments of Memory; In Memory of Moments 0
    Sun and Rain, Joy and Pain: I Miss My Friend Brian 0
    Dehumanized and Clinicized--N
    OT
    1
    Not Full 0
    Love, Loss, and Lennon 0
    Dying Dream 0
    Brian's Pure Love for His Lady 0
    Two Loved Ladies Undergoing Surgery Now 0
    The Masks Fall Off at Midnight 1
    Prime of Life 1
    Low Energy and Less Time: And Too Many Things to Do 1
    Happy Veterans Day, Brian 0
    Happy Veterans Day, Brian 0
    Thanksgiving 0
    Autumn of Year; Autumn of Life 0
    Brian's Birthday and New Year's Eve 0
    Under a Constant Star (9/11) 0
    Deep Time 0
    Is There Anything Out There 2
    Classics in the Closet 0
    Nobody 0
    Feeling the Wind 0
    The Wild Doe and the Hunter 0
    Happy Birthday, Brian 0
    The End of the World: Saturday, May 21, 2011, 6 pm PDT 1
    Brian's Special Smile 0
    Broken Birth 0
    Missing Brian 0
    Focus: Today, Happy 0
    I Love You, Brian 0
    The Ways and the Words of You 1
    Stone Cry 0
    Amore Immortale 0
    Reality and Unreality 1
    Lyrical Life 1
    Easter 0
    Shakespeare's Birthday 0
    Friends During Need 1
    Death--A Play--or the Final Act 0
    Moods 0
    I Was Worried About You 0
    Song of Life 2
    Me 1
    Oh Mother of My Life, My Mind, My Heart--Happy Birthday (Sunday, April 3, 2011) 0
    Your Money or Your Life 1
    Poesis 0
    A Last Look at the Moon 0
    Tears for Brian: My Tears Spring Suddenly 0
    Seventeen in the Past 1
    Clusters 1
    Suffering and Dying Where Love Is Least 1
    Looking at People in a Restaurant, Talking to Brian 1
    Brian Cannot Come Back to Me 3
    Seven for Heaven: Human Haiku/Senryu, On Two Straight Guys Who Loved Each Other 3
    Five Human Haiku (Senryu): Faithful to the Perfect Form 0
    The Scream 3
    Life Is 8
    Following My Friend 3
    Small Moments (Written by Patricia, for Brian) 1
    For Precious Michael (Written by Patricia, for me) 4
    Dream of Life, Dream of Friendship, Dream of Love 4
    The Power to Create 4
    A Single Fortune Cookie 6
    The Meaning of Life 2
    Dreamless 3
    Prayers 3
    Lost Love 2
    I Thank My Mother for My Birthday and for Her Wonderful Mother Love 3
    Lennon Lost His Life: And Now, So Has Teena Marie 2
    All the Way with Part Way 2
    Loving, Living, and Dying 6
    Dreaming and Seeming 3
    Poem Prayer 2
    Science, Poetry, Philosophy, and More 2
    Super A, Abuelita1--Th
    ank You for Your Support, Caring Love, and Understanding
    2
    Wonderful Connie 1
    Someday-Dying 2
    Between Yes and No 3
    Love of Life 1
    Zappa the Magnificent 1
    In the Midst of Life 2
    Only One Death 1
    Real Illusion 1
    The Unknown 1
    My Apparently Known Possible Fates in This World 1
    No More Me 2
    Someone 2
    Leaving Life 1
    Precious Jade 2
    Fear and Grief and Going: Unguilty of the Grave 1
    Using and Losing Time 1
    Loveless Life 2
    Good Life, Good Grief 1
    Dreamless 1
    Ontology versus Oncology 1
    Now Time 2
    No Present, No Future: All Past 3
    Hippocratic Hell 1
    First Light 2
    Almost At the Limit [--A Sonnet] 1
    Death-Trap 0
    Broken 1
    Birthday Termination 1
    Moments 1
    First and Last Cry 1
    Love 2
    Final Fragility 1
    End of the World 1
    Tripping 1
    Seasonal Ring 1
    Gifts that Go and Still Stay 1
    Sidney Says: Advice to Poets and All Writers 3
    Enthusiasm: God Within 3
    Send Me Your Good Will, or Pray For Me--Please 1
    Feeling Each Other's Pain 1
    Snow Man for a Low Man 0
    Explanation of My Poem "As If the Last" 2
    New Year, No Love 2
    Poetic Form 0
    Guilty Pleasures: Not Guilty 2
    About Me 1
    Live, Laugh, and Love 4
    Nothing Special 2
    Why a Writer Writes 2
    To Sarah Y and Her Beloved Little Boy Who Cries Out: Again! 1
    I and You: Unique and the Same 1
    Where's the Compasssion in Our Health Care System? 0
    Lonely Girl, I'm Feeling the Way You're Feeling: But We Can Both Make It Through 3
    Health-Care Reform and Hell on Earth 3
    Psyche 3
    My Bucket List (For Now) 4
    My Most SCARED Moments 2
    Children of the Stars 2
    Passing Life's Test 1
    Why More Now? 1
    Remembering My Grandma on Thanksgiving Eve 3
    Another Thursday, Another Hammer 4
    Thursday's Hammer 1
    New Birthday 2
    Let Love of Life Light Up the Psyche of Fawn 1
    To Angel Eyes: The Wonders of Your Life 1
    Regarding the Lack of Fall in Texas 2
    Light for the Fight 2
    All That I Have 3
    Shine 2
    As If the Last 2
    Here Now 1
    All in Time 2
    The Exile 2
    Incurable and Terminal 4
    Tripping 2
    One More Tomorrow 1
    My Dash 4
    One of Two Is Stronger 1
    No More Romeo; No More Juliet 1
    Friendship and Life 1
    Snow and Life 3
    Live Spelled Backwards 1
    Sarah Y 2
    To Fly 2
    My Cry 1
    Moment of Madness 2
    Fall From a Great Height 1
    A Memory 1
    Less Life; No Loving 2
    A Loser, True 2
    Time Stop 1
    Final Sleep 1
    Entre Enfer 1
    Flying Life 1
    One Would Have Been Enough to Make Life Worth Living 5
    Once 3
    The Haiku Form 2
    Bridge to a Comet--Your Visits and Comments to Me 4
    Get Well Soon, Luna Marie 2
    Winging It (a human haiku, or senryu) 3
    Light Locomotive 2
    Skite, Where Were You Today? Where Are You Tonight? 2
    Angel's Wings, Angel's Voice 4
    Shy, but Not Too Shy 2
    High Coo 4
    From Night to Night 3
    Life's Journey's End--Cut Short by Cancer 4
    Love, Light, Life, and Night 2
    Fear and Courage 1
    Death in Life 3
    Unknown Final Fate 3
    To Right a Poem 4
    Crab-Like Concealed 4
    Soon 2
    All in the Mind 3
    Ebony Shine 3
    On My Nephew Naming His First-Born Son After Me 5
    Love, Loss, and Lennon 3
    Eqinox 4
    Feeling My Heart 5
    The Best Person I Ever Knew: My Best Friend--Brian 2
    In Memoriam, George Difficult 3
    Lovers 7
    Art 5
    Things to Do 4
    Plane on Fire 3
    Ameliorator 5
    Thanksgiving 7
    Worlds of Light 24
    Failure's Fortress 13
    Song of Life (Original Version) 13