Thursday's Hammer


Thursday's Hammer

(For my Patient Counselor: How could you do this to me?)

Here I am, all alone.
On this day, Thursday--the day of the week
That once meant I had friends to go see.
Now Thursdays mean the opposite to me.
False friends who turned on me,
And kicked me out to feel my misery,
On my own.
So now, sorrowful and lonely,
Thursdays, once the best days, are now the worst.
Freighted with increased grief, and ruined with regret; and showered with shame.
For this ouster slanders my good name;
For how many will believe me, that I am unguilty of any such wrong,
As could justify this brutal expulsion?  All for a saddened song.
I'm poisoned and crippled by these dreadful cancer treatments.
I've been castrated and condenmed to die without pleasure or love.
Dying with sorrow, grief, pain, and despair.
My patient counselor has greatened my grief, and made my anxiety more intense.
The counselor pushed me away and out, with a cold-blooded implacable shove.
Am I a human being?  Am I worth anything?  Was this right, or wrong?  Fair, or unfair?
My depression, deep before, now deepens, dropping my world into the spider's lair.
My so-called support has been snatched away, letting me fall.
My suport group, that seemed to love me, didn't love me at all.
Now they are all gathered, at this very moment.
Now they are smiling and speaking, taking turns.
I was told this was a place for me,
To fellowship, share good and bad news, and even vent.
Now my heart aches and my stomach churns.
My chest feels the pressure of an elephant's foot.
But now, they are talking and smiling.
That is what was for me beguiling;
Making me think their smiles included me.
While they speak and support each other, they share in snacks and drinks.
While they talk love, they laugh at the passing time.
Well, all the centuries of time have been strung together from little blinks.
I'll be dead soon enough, and too soon.
Soon, they'll stand and join hands, for an uplifting message from one.
Why am I not there?
Am I so out of tune?
Am I so terrible that I have to be this lonely, till my life is done?
Where is my friend that I thought was my friend?
The patient counselor who once invited me to come in?
I'd still like to think my oncologist is really my friend.  Now, I'm not sure what to think.
My soul sears in pain, my mind splinters into shards, deeper into despair I sink.
It feels like this is going to go on forever; but, really, it will soon end.
My depression and anxiety weigh today on my chest like a lead ton.
And, oh God, there is so much fear!  Such terrible fear!
I don't want to die!  I don't want to disappear!
I need an understanding someone to be near.
But I have to hold all my suffering inside my heart, all alone, here.
While they, my former seeming friends, laugh and lock hands in my forbidden there.
How can God care about me, when even my fellow and sister sufferers do not care?
Or do they care?  Do some of them care?  How many?  All?  A few?  None?  Anyone? 
I don't know.
I was not allowed to talk with them before I had to go.
Maybe it's only the counselor who does not like me.
Maybe the patient counselor just didn't like my latest poetry.
No reason really was given to me, no cause why this is so.
I think no real reason could be given to explain giving me such pain, nor any cause justify
Making my life more miserable in my shortened time, the little time left to me, before I die.
I just don't know. 
To do this to me--and, even worse, the way that it was done--seems so cruel.
But I know that there is something even crueler crouching in me, that is planning to pounce.
At some point in time, the cancer will start eating my bones.
My calling music will be muffled, by pain, into my last futile cries and moans.
My bones will be so bitten and chewed, I won't even make a good skeleton.

aka Mr. Poet, aka M.L.P.
Thursday, August 20, 2009  6:30 PM PDT
104 degrees F.  Winds 0 MPH
Copyright © 2010 by M.L.P.  All rights reserved

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abuelita1 commented on Thursday's Hammer


I hope that you have found the love and support you need...........



Dear Super Angel, // Your hope for me did happen. I have found the love and support I need. I have found some very good friends, both online and offline. [If only one of them was wealthy--rich enough to be able and willing to help me with my insurance etc.--then I'd be about as happy as clam. ] ;) // This year I and my friend Brian will have Thanksgiving dinner with the good company of lots of people because one of my friends invited us to join him and his family and other friends. We will be happy this Thanksgiving. And we will give thanks. // I still miss my support group deeply--and I was shocked when I found out that the patient counselor's "reason" for excluding me was that I often arrived late to the meetings (she had no real reason to ban me, all she had to do was tell me not to show up late). // Among my most precious friends, as you should know, I have you, Super Angel. So, yes, I have now the love and support I need. // Poems like this one here tell how terribly bad I was feeling at that time. My chemical cancer treatments messed me up physically and mentally, which made me extra vulnerable to my patient counselor's ruthless ejection of me from my support group. It plunged me into the deepest depression I ever had. // I'm over it now. Thanks partly just to the passing of time, but mostly thanks to my friends--friends like you. // Thank you. // Love, --Michael LP, Mr. Poet

Poetry is not an expression of the party line. It's that time of night, lying in bed, thinking what you really think, making the private world public, that's what the poet does.

Allen Ginsberg (1926-1997) U.S. poet.

PoetWithCancer’s Poems (224)

Title Comments
Title Comments
Happy Winter Solstice 1
Seasonal Ring 1
My Thanksgiving 0
God's Word 1
Under the Date Tree 1
A Few More Times 1
Divine and Diabolical World 0
Summer-Brief 2
Seasonal Ring 0
Shakespeare's Birthday and Death 0
Special Brian 0
I Remember Brian 0
Light of Life 0
Pain Has Defeated Me Today 1
The Old, Old Words 0
Home Is Where the Heart Is 0
A Sad Contemplative Christmas Today 0
Moments of Memory; In Memory of Moments 0
Sun and Rain, Joy and Pain: I Miss My Friend Brian 0
Dehumanized and Clinicized--N
Not Full 0
Love, Loss, and Lennon 0
Dying Dream 0
Brian's Pure Love for His Lady 0
Two Loved Ladies Undergoing Surgery Now 0
The Masks Fall Off at Midnight 1
Prime of Life 1
Low Energy and Less Time: And Too Many Things to Do 1
Happy Veterans Day, Brian 0
Happy Veterans Day, Brian 0
Thanksgiving 0
Autumn of Year; Autumn of Life 0
Brian's Birthday and New Year's Eve 0
Under a Constant Star (9/11) 0
Deep Time 0
Is There Anything Out There 2
Classics in the Closet 0
Nobody 0
Feeling the Wind 0
The Wild Doe and the Hunter 0
Happy Birthday, Brian 0
The End of the World: Saturday, May 21, 2011, 6 pm PDT 1
Brian's Special Smile 0
Broken Birth 0
Missing Brian 0
Focus: Today, Happy 0
I Love You, Brian 0
The Ways and the Words of You 1
Stone Cry 0
Amore Immortale 0
Reality and Unreality 1
Lyrical Life 1
Easter 0
Shakespeare's Birthday 0
Friends During Need 1
Death--A Play--or the Final Act 0
Moods 0
I Was Worried About You 0
Song of Life 2
Me 1
Oh Mother of My Life, My Mind, My Heart--Happy Birthday (Sunday, April 3, 2011) 0
Your Money or Your Life 1
Poesis 0
A Last Look at the Moon 0
Tears for Brian: My Tears Spring Suddenly 0
Seventeen in the Past 1
Clusters 1
Suffering and Dying Where Love Is Least 1
Looking at People in a Restaurant, Talking to Brian 1
Brian Cannot Come Back to Me 3
Seven for Heaven: Human Haiku/Senryu, On Two Straight Guys Who Loved Each Other 3
Five Human Haiku (Senryu): Faithful to the Perfect Form 0
The Scream 3
Life Is 8
Following My Friend 3
Small Moments (Written by Patricia, for Brian) 1
For Precious Michael (Written by Patricia, for me) 4
Dream of Life, Dream of Friendship, Dream of Love 4
The Power to Create 4
A Single Fortune Cookie 6
The Meaning of Life 2
Dreamless 3
Prayers 3
Lost Love 2
I Thank My Mother for My Birthday and for Her Wonderful Mother Love 3
Lennon Lost His Life: And Now, So Has Teena Marie 2
All the Way with Part Way 2
Loving, Living, and Dying 6
Dreaming and Seeming 3
Poem Prayer 2
Science, Poetry, Philosophy, and More 2
Super A, Abuelita1--Th
ank You for Your Support, Caring Love, and Understanding
Wonderful Connie 1
Someday-Dying 2
Between Yes and No 3
Love of Life 1
Zappa the Magnificent 1
In the Midst of Life 2
Only One Death 1
Real Illusion 1
The Unknown 1
My Apparently Known Possible Fates in This World 1
No More Me 2
Someone 2
Leaving Life 1
Precious Jade 2
Fear and Grief and Going: Unguilty of the Grave 1
Using and Losing Time 1
Loveless Life 2
Good Life, Good Grief 1
Dreamless 1
Ontology versus Oncology 1
Now Time 2
No Present, No Future: All Past 3
Hippocratic Hell 1
First Light 2
Almost At the Limit [--A Sonnet] 1
Death-Trap 0
Broken 1
Birthday Termination 1
Moments 1
First and Last Cry 1
Love 2
Final Fragility 1
End of the World 1
Tripping 1
Seasonal Ring 1
Gifts that Go and Still Stay 1
Sidney Says: Advice to Poets and All Writers 3
Enthusiasm: God Within 3
Send Me Your Good Will, or Pray For Me--Please 1
Feeling Each Other's Pain 1
Snow Man for a Low Man 0
Explanation of My Poem "As If the Last" 2
New Year, No Love 2
Poetic Form 0
Guilty Pleasures: Not Guilty 2
About Me 1
Live, Laugh, and Love 4
Nothing Special 2
Why a Writer Writes 2
To Sarah Y and Her Beloved Little Boy Who Cries Out: Again! 1
I and You: Unique and the Same 1
Where's the Compasssion in Our Health Care System? 0
Lonely Girl, I'm Feeling the Way You're Feeling: But We Can Both Make It Through 3
Health-Care Reform and Hell on Earth 3
Psyche 3
My Bucket List (For Now) 4
My Most SCARED Moments 2
Children of the Stars 2
Passing Life's Test 1
Why More Now? 1
Remembering My Grandma on Thanksgiving Eve 3
Another Thursday, Another Hammer 4
Thursday's Hammer 1
New Birthday 2
Let Love of Life Light Up the Psyche of Fawn 1
To Angel Eyes: The Wonders of Your Life 1
Regarding the Lack of Fall in Texas 2
Light for the Fight 2
All That I Have 3
Shine 2
As If the Last 2
Here Now 1
All in Time 2
The Exile 2
Incurable and Terminal 4
Tripping 2
One More Tomorrow 1
My Dash 4
One of Two Is Stronger 1
No More Romeo; No More Juliet 1
Friendship and Life 1
Snow and Life 3
Live Spelled Backwards 1
Sarah Y 2
To Fly 2
My Cry 1
Moment of Madness 2
Fall From a Great Height 1
A Memory 1
Less Life; No Loving 2
A Loser, True 2
Time Stop 1
Final Sleep 1
Entre Enfer 1
Flying Life 1
One Would Have Been Enough to Make Life Worth Living 5
Once 3
The Haiku Form 2
Bridge to a Comet--Your Visits and Comments to Me 4
Get Well Soon, Luna Marie 2
Winging It (a human haiku, or senryu) 3
Light Locomotive 2
Skite, Where Were You Today? Where Are You Tonight? 2
Angel's Wings, Angel's Voice 4
Shy, but Not Too Shy 2
High Coo 4
From Night to Night 3
Life's Journey's End--Cut Short by Cancer 4
Love, Light, Life, and Night 2
Fear and Courage 1
Death in Life 3
Unknown Final Fate 3
To Right a Poem 4
Crab-Like Concealed 4
Soon 2
All in the Mind 3
Ebony Shine 3
On My Nephew Naming His First-Born Son After Me 5
Love, Loss, and Lennon 3
Eqinox 4
Feeling My Heart 5
The Best Person I Ever Knew: My Best Friend--Brian 2
In Memoriam, George Difficult 3
Lovers 7
Art 5
Things to Do 4
Plane on Fire 3
Ameliorator 5
Thanksgiving 7
Worlds of Light 24
Failure's Fortress 13
Song of Life (Original Version) 13