FAME

6 Comments

Tags:
  • Philosophy

    Poem Commentary

    I have to find a way to end a thing. It must always be interesting and as a conclusion must lead to an untold story. This one I wasn't sure where it ended-  still I followed it. It seems a little puffy through the middle, (maybe a few ab crunches are in order some time in the future.)

    Why do we say that (You know)... some time in the future?
    Only with Peabodies way back machine is it possible to do something in the past.

    FAME

             FAME

     

     

     


    It’s locked away in life’s allotment

    And travels on the streams of chance

    Beneath its feet the step-stones ramble;

    A mosaic set of circumstance

     

    Civilians live the cause of wonder

    Apprehenders wear the soldier’s pants

    The battles won eclipse the gamble

    For a gilded bidding to the dance.

     

    Red carpet stretches through tomorrow

    And waits on high for our advance

    Contenders shuffle to assemble

    Impervious to neigh-say rants

     

    "Come wind of change with days of clover

    That perfume rise throughout the earth

    Just now I see ...  wait is over!

     Time to gauge my journey’s worth."

     

    This name attached to all you fathom

    Is formed on tongues from Blaine to Perth

    For life’s unknowns you’ve bridged a chasm

    To sail in strata round the earth

     

    They know about you ... ‘want to see you

    But know they haven’t got a prayer

    All stars of wonder shining brightly

    Befit the preferential chair

     

    No push - no shove, celeb potential

    Evokes a welcome from the mayor

    But time rolls out the revelation

    And paints a canvas in it’s frame

    You’re someone’s brush for the duration

    A bonded servant to your name


     
    Still somewhere in amongst the rhythms

    Comes the thought which seals the day

    This one thing I wouldnt have it

    is any other ... any other way."

     

     

    Poem Comments

    (6)

    Please login or register

    You must be logged in or register a new account in order to
    leave comments/feedback and rate this poem.

    Login or Register

    danmartyjake1 commented on FAME

    09-05-2009

    i was captivated by this collection of expressions and phrases. I read it over and over...................stunning and brilliant write.

    NevillePark

    09/08/2009

    Somewhere else on one of the threads it was suggested that our poems never should be a closed writing. Being different from an established song which fans would not care for you changing, I believe we should go back and rework a piece as often as we see things to change. I used to think a first write is best left as is. I know this one can get improved. Thnks for the encouragement.

    jeanpnkldyg commented on FAME

    08-17-2009

    I had to read this more than once to fall into its meaning and flow. I sense that is an indication that I have a lot more learning to do. I appreciate that you invite critique and respond so gracefully. Thank you all.

    NevillePark

    08/21/2009

    To be open with you, a lot of poems seem to write themselves. This I tried to fabricate with my mind. I don't think it is nearly as fluid as others I've done. However when I write a song, I always always, work the meter to accentuate the vocal ambulation for performance mode.

    wheelsal commented on FAME

    08-06-2009

    You have a great way with words. A little tighter in some spots, example: V4/L1 "will" passive verb take it out. "Wind of change sweeps through clover." A few the's, for's, and but's could be eliminated. Remember a poets' mantra less is more. A poet friend. Sally

    NevillePark

    08/06/2009

    I think the song writer in me likes the prepositions and such.

    NevillePark

    08/06/2009

    OK Sal

    soulwriter commented on FAME

    07-25-2009

    I enjoy a poem that is thought proving, a piece that is open wide for interpretation - so what if this needs a crunch or two - that is open to the writer, however this reader enjoyed each line - "wouldn't have it any other way". I did keep going back to this thought "A mosaic set of circumstance" - there's a piece of work there waiting to be written.

    NevillePark

    08/09/2009

    Yes my man - I believed you and your suggestion so I'm writing a story about water rights in the Middle East. We have wrongful deeds and things misconstrued by evil minds serving to perpetuate the political riff, my needs are better than your rights.

    RHPeat commented on FAME

    07-25-2009

    Interesting write here; might make a couple suggestions in L4 you could intensify your metaphor and main your content's intent by making the line read (A mosaic set (in) circumstance) implying that the step-stones are set in a mortar of circumstance. The (wind of change ) is a cliche'. This line is fab: (So now assess the journey’s worth) This is so right on. I don't see any intention in the splitting off of the last stanza when it reads right through anyway. I say close the gap. The half verse makes all the intenseness that is needed anyway. It stands out as the ending as a full and complete stop in the presentation of the overall form. It's a good closure on the piece. A poet friend// RH Peat

    NevillePark

    07/25/2009

    You have a good eye for detail and I'm a happy benifitiary of it. I'll work on it. A lot of times I can know something's out of wack but valuable input from outside my head is the good breakfast we all should have. Thanx

    NevillePark

    09/08/2009

    RHpeat - I've wrestled with changing the descriptor - mosaic, to the noun but I feel it dissipates the import when divided somehow. 'Still prefer to have it carry a quantitative definition. Thought about ...like to add the pluralizer "ezs" but THAT doesn't do it either. Oh well!

    When power leads man towards arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the area of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.

    John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) Thirty-fifth President of the USA

    NevillePark’s Poems (38)

    Title Comments
    Title Comments
    They played For Keeps Cuz Time Never Sleeps 3
    FORGOTTEN SOLDIERS 2
    Come by and Pick me Up Lord 5
    RAINMAKER 13
    Reflection 6
    O Son of The Morning 12
    Love Fish 6
    THE ALLEY 3
    UNREQUITED DEATH 6
    Sudden Death 2
    The Poet and The Sea 5
    Dawn 4
    The Journey 5
    Rappin It Up 3
    Poems in Love ~ Edited sayings of Mother Teresa 8
    ON TIME 10
    W- Five 9
    Painter Eleven 3
    Yellow Red and Grey 2
    Nam 4
    FAME 6
    High Rollers 3
    Gimmy The Beat 2
    A KILLER PASSION 2
    Here Fishy 4
    Alive In The Spirit 2
    Bitterness 3
    88 in the Shade 3
    ASLEEP 6
    THE MINUTE MAN 1
    BATS 0
    The River 4
    The Meaning of Easter 3
    Selma 0
    Hells Bells 5
    Fields of Change 3
    In A Yellow Sky 3
    Love Is 17