Love's Refrain

10 Comments

Tags:
  • Passion
    • ,
  • Lost Love
    • ,
  • Sadness
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  • Life
    • ,
  • Love

    Poem Commentary

    Poem #8 for RHPeat's poetry class in the OP forums. This one needs a lot more work. The assignment was to write a "Hollander Sonnet" consisting of 13 lines of 13 syllables each. I complicated it by using end rhymes in the structure. This one was difficult for me. I really needed one more syllable per line. I had to make so many compromises in order to fit everything into 13 syllables, I feel like the rhythm of the entire piece suffered. On top of that the rhyme scheme really bugs me. Perhaps I'll re-write this later and work on those prosody issues.

    Love's Refrain

     The summer night in passion drapes the world in it's folds,
    Crickets, lost in endless love, fiddle their earnest song,
    While breezes kissed by jasmine tell of secrets untold.
    Bullfrogs, by romance bemused, so freely sing along.
    The mayflies now, with passion spent, go to blissfull sleep.
    The stars in crystalline light embrace the velvet sky.
    Love's crysalis locks the butterflly in golden keep.
    The moon cavorts with treetops while the clouds softly sigh.
    The fish exchange their kisses while insects on the leaf
    Court and mate and celebrate their lifetimes, far too brief.
    But here, on this summer's eve my love has been in vain
    Because, alas, my only love will love me not again.
    Death has wooed and won her to his underground domain.

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    Springsize commented on Love's Refrain

    10-07-2010

    Your attempt to create the 13 lines, of 13 meters is almost perfect in both Form and intent... but then I stumbled in reading line 11 [as in the life, the experience was difficult]... and the following line 12, has an extra meter, measuring 14... and this is the point in your poem that mirrors the heart's intent to pen in perfection... noting that you find this poem needing work --- this is the only place that I find requires a more smooth and fitting word use... ok, other than a comma after "secrets, untold".
    Reply to Comment

    gmcookie

    10/07/2010

    Eeep... I didn't notice that scansion problem in line 12. To tell the truth, this assignment really frustrated me. By the time I finished it, I hated the poem and would have immediately trashed it but for the fact that it was an assignment and needed to be kept up. Yes, trying to enforce a rhyme scheme on a Hollander Sonnet was a bad decision. Besides being incredibly difficult, it had the effect of creating breaks at the end of each line instead of rhythmically flowing into the next line. It ruined the whole piece. Still, I like the idea behind the poem (if not the implementation), and there are some nice word pictures in it. I intend to go back and rewrite it some day as NOT a Hollander sonnet. hehe

    SavVySam commented on Love's Refrain

    08-18-2010

    Maybe it is a step away from your usual cadence, feeling different..however it reads really well, and I enjoyed the entire work!
    Reply to Comment

    Helios commented on Love's Refrain

    08-05-2010

    Well... Mr.Meisenheimer, you started on the lessons of our mentor R.H. Peat and [ though difficult] you have reached the annoying "Hollander Sonnet". As for myself, I'm guilty of laziness. I felt I was in the country side [ a pastoral scene] innocent and united in love. Wunderbar! Helios
    Reply to Comment

    gmcookie

    08/05/2010

    Helios... Lol.. Well, I'm certainly glad I wasn't the only one who found the Hollander Sonnet annoying! I had an extremely difficult time with that assignment. Mr. Peat did point out that I only complicated it by using end rhymes and end stops. He says the form actually flows much better if you run your phrases through the end of the lines and stop them somewhere in the middle of the next line. I realize that that form does make a poem flow a lot better sometimes. But this assignment drove me up the wall and left me dissatisfied with the results... hehe

    rsalassi commented on Love's Refrain

    08-03-2010

    Not to offend anyone, I think you're "prosoding" too much. I liked it piece whether it conforms or not. My "Uncivil Discourse, or Won't You come Home, Bill Buckley" was my attempt at the Hollander, and with a rhyme scheme, also. But I fear I didn't "prododize" enough. But I was happy with it, as I would be with this, were I you.
    Reply to Comment

    gmcookie

    08/03/2010

    Richard, This one was a gut wrenching piece for me. I think it is easily my least favorite poem. BUT... It met the requirements for the class (13 lines of 13 syllables each), so I suppose I shouldn't be so unsatisfied with it. One of these days I'll rewrite it in a different format. Thanks for the review, my friend.

    rsalassi

    08/03/2010

    Believe or not, I feel the very same way towards mine, too!

    ginga commented on Love's Refrain

    07-31-2010

    ccokie, Such nature exposed here. I love this genre as you may know. Rapture to mother earth is my interpretation. ginga
    Reply to Comment

    Poetry comes nearer to vital truth than history.

    Plato (BC 427-BC 347) Greek philosopher.

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