Monsters

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    Poem Commentary

    Another bus poem. I guess I was in a strange mood this morning.... As always, feedback is welcome...

    Monsters
    There is a twisted little man
    Who's tortured all he's met.
    He makes us writhe,
    He makes us squirm,
    He makes us wince and fret.
    He takes from us
    Our peace of mind,
    This monster named Regret.

    His sister is a piece of work.
    She preys on human need.
    Enticing us
    With things we want,
    She closes in to feed.
    And takes, at last,
    The heart of us,
    This demon known as Greed.

    Their traveling companion is
    Most always by their side.
    He woos us with
    False images
    It's hard to put aside.
    Then takes away
    The ones we love,
    This devil is called Pride.

    Sometimes they bring in with them
    A ghastly grim soul mate,
    A hellish beast
    That lives inside.
    Our heart is it's estate,
    It slowly gnaws
    At our free will,
    This creature we've named Hate.

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    PoetsofBlood commented on Monsters

    09-08-2010

    Nice write, The Poets of Blood are here to turn you upside down to see if you have any more Dark Poems in your pockets
    Reply to Comment

    gmcookie

    09/09/2010

    Poets, I don't write a lot of dark poetry, but I think you might like "Death does not Equivocate" or perhaps "On the Point of a Pin" or "Tiger in a Cage". Let me know what you think. Oh... then, just to put things into perspective... try "Mayflies".

    Chaos128 commented on Monsters

    07-12-2010

    On the money, GM! The anthropomorphization of untoward characteristics is an idea whose time has come ha ha… and to those who might criticize my use of a personal pronoun to cover abstract concept… hey… we’re anthropomorphizing here! : D
    Reply to Comment

    rsalassi commented on Monsters

    07-11-2010

    Far be it from me to suggest this, but here goes anway: I would drop the last line as is and use either: "The creature's name is Hate." or "This creature we've named Hate." To my ears it sounds better, but, hell, far be it from me to expect anyone to listen. Excellent write, sir!
    Reply to Comment

    gmcookie

    07/11/2010

    Richard, I think you are absolutely right. This poem was just penned on Friday and was less than 48 hours old when you commented. I find that it usually takes several weeks of tweaking before they settle in. You can see that I tried to vary that final line in each stanza so that it wasn't rubber stamped throughout the work. I think your suggestion "This creature we've named Hate." is an excellent one, and, of course, you are right. It does work better. Thanks much for the suggestion.

    rsalassi

    07/11/2010

    I am humbled. And if you would do me a slight favor, there's a new posting of mine that has already generated some emotional response. Would love your opinion of Cruel and Unusual Punishment.

    Teardrops commented on Monsters

    07-09-2010

    The poem is truth in a few words and i love the way you dress them as demons of the soul . Great write truly a poem for the ages thanks for the read Marie
    Reply to Comment

    BlackButterfly1 commented on Monsters

    07-09-2010

    I like this!! You should incorporate the other deadly sins.
    Reply to Comment

    To have great poets there must be great audiences too.

    Walt Whitman, American Poet (1819-1892)

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