The Past

9 Comments

Poem Commentary

Poem #6 for RHPeat's school of poetry on the OP forums.. 6 quatrains for a total of 24 lines, 8 syllables on each line. Structure and rhyme pattern: line 1 = 8 syllable a line 2 = 8 syllable a line 3 = 8 syllable b line 4 = 8 syllable b I really don't care for the way this came out - it's way too sing-songy. I think I made it worse by using too much alliteration. In short, it needs a total rewrite. I'll work on it later. If anybody has any suggestions I'd like to hear them.

The Past


In times of loss, in throes of pain
We'd say we'd like to start again
Turn back the clock, rewind the spring
To see what a fresh start would bring.

Return at last back to the past,
Before the die of fate was cast...
But time has one small trick, you see,
We are what we have come to be.

Erase the woe, erase the hell,
Erase part of yourself as well.
Through joy and tears, for all those years
Our past's the path that brought us here.

Experience molds who we are,
Both tender kiss and battle scar.
This simple truth we cannot hide:
To kill our past is suicide.

There is no way that we could be
If we erased our memory.
We cannot from thin air infer,
Nor grow from things that never were.

What's past is past, what's done is done
A race that's lost is never won.
The question posed by life is clear.
Which pathway should we take  from here?

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Springsize commented on The Past

10-07-2010

You have followed the instructions for this poem, using exactly 24 lines and a consistent meter for each. Also, your intent in this poem is a good one, a kindly offering of moral wisdom... and it all fits... except for the 2nd line in the last verse... I was disappointed with that line.... however, your ending question is perfect !

ginga commented on The Past

07-25-2010

cookie, A poem of life's choices and what cannot be changed. I always enjoy pieces that spring from one's psyche and one's viewpoint. ginga

ApaqRasgirl commented on The Past

07-24-2010

Wow, that was one powerful sentiment of how we have changed our ways over time. If only we could go back and replace what is lost. Our lives are what we made them, I only hope and pray that we have in some small way learned the lesson of our destruction. great write dear friend, the flow and rhyme read easily off the tongue, and the words you chose painted a picture so well of our tears from the fate we created. thanks for sharing love asha

Teardrops commented on The Past

07-23-2010

You have a great write here my friend its flow is unbelieveable you have talent you been hiding.Thanks for the read Marie

RHPeat commented on The Past

07-22-2010

Cookie. I have no problems with the sounds in the poem at all. By end-stopping all the lines you lose a lot of nuances in the music that could be better served by enjambing the lines. Writing through rhyme into the next line. This would soften many of the hard hitting end-stops on the lines. Much of your syllabic meter is actually iambic as well. I don't see you having much trouble when you get to that point at all. You seem to be hearing the rhythm within the lines quite well. That's why I suggested even numbered syllables for the lines. To force the iambs to show up. Nice write Cookie. A poet friend// RH Peat

Poetry is what is lost in translation.

Robert Frost (1875-1963) American Poet.

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